I Truly Feel My Life is Over

[Cookiebelle]

Hi All

I have posted recently regarding my son turning 18.  I feel so responsible still.  He is not very mature and is yet to get his licence.  He has been hanging out with 'friends' who smoke weed.  He does have a part time job which I secured for him.  Plus he is doing online Bachelor degree.

I feel like a doormat.  He is pulling and pushing me every which way.  He wants to be responsible but then proves he can't be.  He claims now he is 18 he can do what he likes!  Not under my roof and at my expense!

He has nothing much to do with my ex (his father) and again...I have had 18 years of constant responsibility with no help and I am in my late fifties..I really cannot cope with this much longer. 

My life revolves around making sure he is ready for work/uni..cleaning up his rubbish ....dealing with his 'mates' that come here and think they can party on.....??  I am so absolutely over it.  I have given him EVERYTHING......my life ended when I left his father due to violence. The money I  have spent...the different schools because he didn't like certain people...the private school and the course last year that cost me thousands.  I must be so absolutely useless that my own son can use and abuse my generosity and love?

I have next to no friends. I don't really care.  I had so many dramas throughout his school years with so called friends and I pass.  I have zero help from anyone.  I always thought that I have to get him to 18 then if I die it doesn't matter as I have a large insurance policy in my name.  I never thought I would make it as I had melanoma and other stuff and now we are here I am surprised. 

I am sorry this is a bit rambling.  I guess I am trying to convey my sheer exhaustion and depression at the state of my life.  As I gave everything up for him I have no idea who I am anymore.  He is not violent but he does remind me of his dad.  In that he gets his way everytime through stubborness and using my age and exhaustion against me.  

He has his 'mates' come here and I have told him over and over there is to be no alcohol or weed......next thing his mate rocks up with an esky of JD and then this guys Dad calls me to figure out where his JD went?  I told him the truth and I reiterated that under my roof I am responsible!

All I want is peace!  This son of mine is killing me.  I love him so much but I am sick of being his mother. 

[ecomama]

Hey Cookie, I can see the sheer frustration in your words!
No wonder either.

Time to STRATEGISE. 

I'm going thru similar but not with my teens at home. THEY're a work in progress.
It's my Adult Children still taking financial advantage of me - driving me nuts. 

I get it! WE ARE HUMAN, not door mats. 

Time for boundaries so you can create a life you thought you wouldn't have! 

Can you think of a response to these questions: I think he's gonna learn REAL FAST when you change some things, slowly but deliberately BECAUSE you love him. 

Why do you clean up his mess? 
Why do you get him up & ready for work / Uni? 

Have you thought about changing the locks? I did that.

This is NOT your fault. You have loved him so much.
Atm he's an entitled, disrespectful teen. 
No more. 

Next time he throws the "I'm 18 so I can do what I want!" at you (CHEESES!)...
indeed that's correct TO A POINT. 
Not in your house he can't. 

No way would I be taking responsibility for "adults" of OTHER parents having to bow to their demands. 
Yes it's your house. 
That parent needs to talk to their OWN child. 

My Life Insurance goes to the kids when they turn 30yo. 

Love EM

[Sophie_M]

Hi Cookiebelle


It's nice to have you here on the forums tonight Cookiebelle, but we're sorry to hear that you're feeling so down about your son and your parenting journey right now. 


We can really hear that you're struggling intensely with your feelings around what he is getting up to, how he is treating you and your home, and the struggles of navigating this period of parenting, especially when you lack support.  Parenting a teenager can be a really tough and thankless task and when you're doing it alone, sometimes it can be incredibly isolating and feel very unrewarding and thankless.


We will leave you in the hands of our beautiful supportive online community to give you their pearls of wisdom and emotional support, but we would like to remind you that you're not alone, and that reaching out for support can be the best thing to do when you're struggling especially..


Please don't hesitate to call BB counsellors (or even go online to our webchat option if you prefer), and perhaps consider getting some other counselling support, and/or doing a parenting of teenagers course. There are several options and they can be incredibly empowering and helpful. Resourcing parents http://www.resourcingparents.nsw.gov.au/parents/courses have a lot of links to evidence based programs and helpful information that might be of interest. 


Kind regards,


Sophie M

[Baileysmells]

There comes a point where we have to put our foot down, I was in a situation like this but flipped as I’m the son.

People who don’t take initiative to even clean after themselves have been conditioned that it’s okay to do that from people since there is no consequences. I’m not saying this to put blame on you at all, think of it like a dog begging for food- if you feed the dog (in this case clean up and entertain the immaturity) then the dog will learn that there is a reward for begging (as in no consequences) 

You still love your son, have you ever heard of the saying if you love something you have to it go? Doing this but in a different way such as an ultimatum will make things change. Other wise he will then treat his partner if he ever gets one the same. It’s tough to do and hard to hear, but it’s necessary. Young men who are trapped in that type of phase need responsibility and I say that from personal experience 

I hope you find the strength and your days get easier, you’re a good mum for going through what you have. -b

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Cookiebelle

Thank you so much for opening up here. This is very much appreciated. 

I actually love both responses from the community members: one from the position of a mother and the second from the position of a son. How amazing to get these two perspectives! 
Both of them, however, encourage you to try to think and hopefully then put into practice: setting some boundaries (your personal), as well as clear responsibilities for your son. 
If he wants to live under your roof, he needs to follow certain rules. The rules are there not to “punish” him but make him realise who is the real boss (and certainly not him) and that he must respect you and what YOU want. 
I hope I am not going to sound too harsh but I wouldn’t try to make him understand this on the emotional level, I somehow feel that his mates might be prioritising the list. Just dry list of basic house rules that you want him to follow. 
Give him two weeks, or whatever you think to adjust and see how you guys go. 
I am with you on stopping the mates coming over asap. Especially, if they think they can “party”. You want to feel safe and comfortable in your own house. This must stop and I like the idea of even changing locks, if necessary. He must know how serious you are.

How do you feel about it? 

Take care there and let us know please how did you go and if we can help some more. 

[ecomama]

Dear Cookiebelle, how are you doing today? 

It's great that Bailey was able to come on and give you his perspective from a young adult's POV. 

I truly empathisize with you being exhausted over all this and not having any help. Me too on both counts. 

The thing to know is this.... if you start with ONE boundary, perhaps the least intrusive one on both of you eg 
not prepping him for Uni / work and stating very clearly. "Because you are 18 now, as you say, I'm not going to baby you and prep you for work / Uni. It's YOUR job to work out how you're going to do this now you're an adult". 

THEN never ever ever yield. 
Never. 

Things WILL change but not if we yield to their toddler temper tantrums. They're adults after all. 😉

EMxxxx

[therising]

Hi Cookiebelle

You're a beautiful mum, with all the love and care you've shown your son over the years, partly to make up for his dad. Being a mum myself (to a 19yo gal and 17yo guy), without a doubt it can be tough going at times.

A sensitive mum's a whole different creature in comparison to an insensitive mum. It would definitely be easier to be insensitive, unfeeling. We could discipline without a second thought, without feeling self doubt. We could scream/dictate whatever we wanted and smack our child into submission without feeling the impact that would have on them but we don't do that because we feel for them. We feel what they feel.

When they're little we may want them to feel nothing but joy. With little joy in cleaning up, we may clean up after them. We may want them to experience opportunities that lead to their growth, so we may invest (financially) in much of that kind of growth. We may open our home to play dates, so they can make and maintain friends but not foresee how to manage the friendships they develop later in life, who they bring home. We may serve them with quick fixes for happiness, peace etc, through things like their favourite food, drink and activity but may not be prepared for the quick fixes they choose later in life (alcohol or dope etc). We may love to serve, to see them joyful, stress free/free of dis-ease but this can backfire. 

With compromise (a common promise between people) there may be some initial discontent. Might sound something like 'I promise our home will be open to you and your friends drinking responsibly at 18, as long as you promise to not bring illegal practices in' or 'I promise to help you financially with certain opportunities as long as you acknowledge the financial challenges I face. When you demand money, be prepared to not get it on demand. You may consider working to ease my stress' or 'I promise I'll not serve someone with a self serving nature like your father has but I will serve a giving unselfish person' etc.

In mentioning compromises/contracts with our kids, this is something I need to start doing more of myself. Compromises are not a 'my way or the highway' thing, they're about finding ways to share the path together.