I'm really struggling with life.

[Lila1]

I was very shy and got bullied for it in primary school by this one girl who convinced my friends to push me away, I started playing this online game that my older brother influenced me to play (11 years of age) I enjoyed it for the game-play but eventually I met people on it, I learnt things I wasn't supposed to at that age and became very attached to people on it and the game - I went on it after school everyday and found it hard to get off. I met a lot of bad people (most of them predators) I had to learn the hard way of trusting people online. I was diagnosed with depression and severe social anxiety disorder soon after I first self harmed when I was 12 and I had just started high school. I had trouble with this one girl and that's when my absence first starting going down,the bullying stopped after I told staff but the feeling of depression and loneliness didn't. Year 9 - I was struggling to get up everyday, I cried and had anxiety attacks almost everyday and I never showed up to school. I decided to leave school resulting in not going to school for 2 years and my high school friends blocked me and said I brought toxic energy into their lives - I know I didn't say or do anything to so they meant my mental health and that really damaged me. I'm now I'm in Year 11 and I've been attending this different school for around 7 weeks and slowly but surely I started to skip days, I cried when I got to school last week and told my mum it was too hard to go in and I didn't even go at all this week. Everyday for the past 3 weeks I've been feeling depressed about school and the past 3 days have been the worst, I've been feeling physically sick of symptoms of fatigue, drowsiness, tiredness,crying a lot for no good reason,having episodes of feeling depressed but I feel nothing really that bad is happening to me, no one at that school is causing me trouble and my home life is fine. So why do I feel like this? Why is it so damn hard to get up? Why is it so hard for me to attend school? I don't know the answer to any of it, everyone else in the world can do it but I've never been able to go to school without feeling terrible and mentally drained. I have a choice to go to school and complete Year 11 (self paced work, you finish when you finish) or leave school and look for a job/ volunteer but I reckon I wont end up nowhere on that path. I'm so stuck and have no clue what to do. I would really appreciate any words from anyone.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Lila,

Welcome to the forums, we are so grateful that you have reached out here to share your journey with our lovely community. We're really sorry to hear what you've been through, and that you've been feeling so low and mentally drained when trying to attend school. It sounds like you're in a really tough space right now, but please know that you don't have to do this on your own, or keep these feelings bottled up inside. You've come to a safe, supportive place and our community is here to offer you words of advice and wisdom to help you through this difficult time. You mentioned that you have a diagnosis for depression and anxiety- can we ask if you are you currently receiving mental health support? If not, we would encourage you to reach out for some extra support to help you work through these feelings that you're experiencing. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, our friendly counsellors at the Beyond Blue Support Service are available to chat to, 24/7, on 1300 22 4636 or you can get in touch through Webchat (3pm-12am AEST) at www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport Our friends at Kids Helpline can also work through these feelings with you, and are there to help you 24/7 both over the phone (1800 55 1800) and through their online chat: https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling/

Please also know that if ever these feelings become too difficult to cope with, the lovely counsellors at Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are always there to help and support you. You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready.

[imbadwithnames]

Hi Lila, welcome to the forums! It takes a lot of strength to reach out, and I am so proud of you for doing so.

I understand it is probably pretty tough for you right now, please look into the resources Sophie has requested.

I also wanted to ask, are you seeing a therapist? My high school had a councillor and I am wondering if that is also an option for you? Do you think maybe talking to your mum or your parents may help you? It might benefit you to talk to these people as you may need to be medicated. Now I know that is terrifying to think about, I grew up with my family telling me I was fine which made me not believe all the people who said I was mentally ill and I needed to get help. Getting up was so hard and I hated getting out of bed some mornings. In Grade 11 I had almost a week off school due to a complete mental snap over the bullying I was going through (and then some people went and lied to the principal to try and get me expelled simply because I was doing better than them academically and they couldn't let the weird quiet kid do that). All through high school I sat by myself in an empty classroom and studies alone because I was so sick of all the bullying.

As you can see, I can relate to you a lot. I am so so sorry what happened to me is now happening to you. I never left school and completed, but that was not my decision, and I can completely understand where you are coming from.

I definately think the next play is speaking to a councillor, whether its through the things Sophie suggested or finding one in your area that you gell with. If you think you would struggle alone and you really trust your mother or have any family you trust, you can bring them with you to help and support you.

Just remember your life is not over. You are SO young and you have so much in front of you. You've made it this far, may as well stick it out so your bullies don't get what they want, right? I am so proud of you, and I truly believe you can do anything you set your mind to. You are not alone.

Please feel free to keep us updated with how you are going when you are comfortable doing so. Rooting for you!