I'm not sure if looking for advice or I just need to get this off my chest

[Simon1234567890]

I'm a male in his mid twenties who feels like the biggest failure in the world. I have had so many opportunities in life and I have failed every time. it's mainly due to substance abuse that I make terrible decisions. I'm lucky that I have above average intelligence and ive been told that when I put the work in, I look attractive however I don't feel it. It makes my life so much easier and i feel I would be much more depressed if I didnt have those two things going for me at least. my girlfriend of nearly two years, my longest relationship, dumped me earlier this year. At the time I was happy because she had been very clingy and needy at the end and she was often getting angry with me, however I understand why now. The whole time we had been dating, there had only been one moment where she felt a real connection with me. I shut her out the rest of the time emotionally. looking back, whilst I'm not under the delusion that she was the perfect person and I have dated since, I feel I made the biggest mistake by not trying harder to connect with her. she was constantly trying with me and is the most open minded person I have ever met. She understood me like nobody else has ever, including my own family and cared for me more than anyone else ever has.

aside from that I am constantly worried I am about to lose my part time job that I love and I'm now worried that I will lose the mon-Fri job I just got. I have been abusing a prescription medication. I have taken it so much that I've lost a dramatic amount of weight and I was on it at work causing problems. ive never had meth but the doses I'm having of this makes me feel like what I'd imagine meth to be like and ive stayed awake for up to three days on it, barely eating or drinking. My only salvations are the sport I train, sleeping with women (which I only managed because of my looks) and weightlifting. I haven't been able to do any of these lately due to my drug abuse, instead staying home just zoned out between wasting my life away watching pointless youtube videos. I feel anger building up inside me and I'm worried it will explode, like a jack in a box. the sport I do is a martial art and my job puts me in a position where I can hurt people and I'm very worried ill snap and do that. I've managed to push all my friends away so that I now have nobody. there's more but ive reached the length limit so ill leave it there

[geoff]

hi Simon, (just briefly no names of any medication are allowed to be mentioned.)

I'm always sorry to hear that anybody who is addicted to a substance drug is questioning what their life hasn't been, so to compensate you need a drug to make you feel better, well this may happen first of all, but then you get hooked so the meaning of life means nothing at all, except to worry about your next dose.
It seems as though your g/friend was trying really hard to connect with you, hoping that she could stop you from using this drug so that the relationship could grow stronger, but unfortunately the power of drugs overtakes any love that someone wants to give you, except for sexual intimacy.
Please I'm not having a go at you here, because we want to help you through this so that you can then overcome this addiction.
Questions will start to be asked by your bosses on why you look so skinny and perhaps how you look and may want you to have a drug test and then decide what to do.
Having any addiction is not easy to overcome, because it takes time and diligence to be strong enough to say 'no', but it also needs support, because to go cold turkey requires a great effort, which some people aren't capable of doing.
I can see a person who has so much going for you but you're locked away by using this drug, however your doctor will be able to prescribe you some medication that will stop this urge, but it will only work if that's exactly what you want to do, otherwise it's a waste of time.
Your training to get your black belt meant that you had to practice, dedicate your time and compete in competitions, and all of this required your brain to continually function, so I hope you can feel the same in overcoming this addiction. Geoff.

[pipsy]

Hi Simon. It appears from reading your post that depression initially caused you to start substance abuse. With depression, often rather than admit to the condition, we look for the 'quick fix', rather than see a Dr and ask for help. This sets off a 'chain reaction' where we will use a particular substance, booze or drugs. Our body starts craving for the continued substance to keep us functioning. The down side to this is it often also includes abusing those nearest and dearest, (in your case your gf). As Geoff pointed out, you have become addicted. Until you see a Dr and admit openly to abusing these substances, you are going to continue this spiraling affect. You may also require counseling to help you withdraw from the substance as your body will crave the continued 'quick fix'. With withdrawing, the side effects can be horrific, causing severe delusions. You seem to recognize you need help so that's a good start. Your Dr, hopefully will not judge, he should listen with an open mind. He may lecture slightly on the abuse situation, but that's part of his role and he is trying to help. If your gf is completely aware of your addiction, she, hopefully, will 'forgive' and be prepared to work with you in your recovery. If she isn't, telling her would be a good start as she needs to know 'why' you behaved the way you did.

Lynda