I’m all alone

[Autumn_]

Hi Everyone,

I’m not usually much of a sharer but I don’t know where else to go, so here it goes.

I’ve always felt alone in the big blue world and tonight is no exception. Most days, I justify it by telling myself I’m a lone wanderer, but sometimes it gets on top of me.

I’ve never had many friends. I think I’m too quite. I’ve dated men who seem fabulous but they always end up emotionally abusing me. My most recent relationship (which also seemed the most promising) has just taken a similar turn.

I think my dad taught me to accept poor treatment. He is extremely selfish and has left when I was a teenager so he could travel the world. He still messages every so often, but I think it does more harm than good.

My relationship with my mum is better but still not great. Despite living out of home for many years, I’m always doing something wrong and I think she complains to others about me when I’m not present.

I moved out of home when I was 17 because of my parents and had to grow up very quickly. I’m tired from constantly worrying about money and putting a roof over my head.

My only friend and I are growing apart. I find that I support her (she has a range of things going on) but she is never there when I need a shoulder to cry on. I’m at peace with it but I always find my relationships follow this format.

I feel really alone and sometimes wonder what the point even is anymore. If life is always going to be more pain than happiness, what’s the point.

[uncut_gems]

Autumn.,

Welcome to the forums. I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this tough time– between your parents' behavior, money worries, crappy partners, and a friend who's not being there for you, you have a lot on your plate and deserve so much better.

As you say, you had to grow up quickly, and in your current friendship you are doing most of the caring. But it sounds like you haven't been cared for in the way that you need and you deserve. It's only natural that that would lead to intense loneliness and a grim sense of the future.

While we can't choose our parents, we can choose how to relate to them, and we can form our own friendships and relationships to our liking in our own image. Some people spend time alone more than others– sometimes much more– but I don't think anyone is truly a "lone wanderer." While you may enjoy solitude or be an introverted person, this loneliness is beyond that. I think it's your circumstances at the moment, but certainly not your fate.

In the meantime, feel free to come here and chat when you need to vent.

Warmly,

Gems

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Autumn,

You sound so down, sad & lonely. I felt your pain in your writing...

I’m glad uncut_gems has already reached out with such a caring & warm response though...

I felt a sense of grief & loss over your strained relationship with your parents. There must be so many difficult emotions that you feel towards them...

I think purpose or “the point” is a really difficult but also personal/individual answer. I don’t think there’s a single umbrella purpose that we would all agree with or all be able to relate to...

I think it’s something that we each have to figure out for ourselves...but it can be a confusing process. I, as have so many others, haven’t figured it out yet either...

So if it comforts you a little, it’s not just you who struggles with this...sometimes I think it takes time to figure it out. Besides, I feel purpose/the point can also change and evolve many times too...

About loneliness, I know it’s a painful and horrible feeling. But I want you to know that you are not alone in your loneliness. I understand loneliness in my own way, as do many others...

I know that doesn’t make your own loneliness go away of course. But I think sometimes it can be reassuring to know that others can empathise with where we are coming from with our struggles. At least that’s my view anyway...

Thinking of you...

Kindness and care,

Pepper

[mocha delight]

Hi autumn welcome to the forum and I’m so sorry to hear about what your going through but just know if you ever need to chat that I’m here for you ok

[PhoebeWings]

Hi Autumn,

That lonely feeling is joy-sapping isn’t it?

Today, I’m feeling the full weight of a lonely day, which had been building up despite efforts over past couple of weeks to keep it at bay.

Much of it is circumstantial, much of it ingrained from past trauma.

It gets pretty black, so I’m just keeping myself a little numbed, rather then fight it or overfeel it.

There will be time for standing up to battle - today’s not that day.

And in my book, that’s OK.

I always remind myself ....

« This too will pass »

You are not alone dear one.

Love

Phoebe.