God being lonely sucks.

[Baileysmells]

There’s this emptiness I’ve been filled with recently. My life on paper is slowly improving but I feel like I have no substance in my day to day.

I don’t find myself letting my guard down around my family. I can’t be ‘me’. So in order to feel connection and to be comfortable I search for it in relationships.

That’s where the problems start, I actually feel happy when I’m talking to or going on those first few dates with someone and I let my hopes get way out of check. When it doesn’t work out it- devastates me. I am then sent back into depression and self loathing for a few weeks.

I used to be okay with isolation, but since I started dating it feels empty. I’m just not sure how to find that sense of comfiness and warmth without a partner and I’m not sure I can. How can I cope/work on this? 

It’s weird, I’m way more confident when it’s a 1-1 conversation with anyone but add another to the mix and I’m reserved af, making meaningful friendships is hard for me. Making friends in general sounds pretty terrifying to me now that I think about it. I’ve stopped talking to my old friends since I moved to a small town. 

[Baileysmells]

You are right, I appreciate it. I’ll be able take that leap soon with any hope

[james1]

Hey Baileysmells

It was tough, and I am very thankful to have had those friends.

The people side of university sure can be really full on! It's a crazy time. My sister is turning 24 this year and the stories she tells me remind me of those existential quarter life crisis problems I had as well. I think I found it strange because it was the most social opportunity I'd had in life (and realistically, it's probably the most social I've been since as well), but I also found it a really challenging time to make really good friends.

It's really great that you've been independent, even just for the last year. I expect that'll set you up well, even if it is pretty hard at the moment.

[Baileysmells]

I just wish I could take advantage of the social opportunities I get but instead I’m becoming anxious and depressed again

[james1]

😞 I'm so sad to hear that, because it reminds me of how I often felt as well. It probably doesn't help all that much, but don't forget that there are plenty of people at uni who also feel really isolated and have very similar thoughts. If only there was a simple way to get in touch with them!

Have you had much of a look at the different clubs and groups that unis often offer?

[Baileysmells]

I have not, tbh I don’t see myself as the type of person to join a club; that sounds like it’d give so much anxiety and I wouldn’t end up getting anything out if it. That’s if there were a club for me anyway 😞

[james1]

Ah, I understand. I found there were a lot of clubs that just were not my thing either, but I ended up finding the nicest group of friends in salsa dancing. Which was strange because I hate dancing, am super self conscious about it, and had no intention to join except that a friend pulled me along. As it turns out, that group became my uni group and really carried me through uni from a social perspective. I ended up dropping out of the dancing pretty quickly, but the friends were nice.

I hope you don't mind me asking this so bluntly, but I'm hoping it can help me understand where you are coming from a bit better. You asked in your first post how you can cope with or work on finding a sense of comfiness and warmth without a partner. We've also talked a bit about how hard it is to make friends, and how it can feel really lonely for you. I suppose I am wondering, are you looking for some really practical suggestions on how to make new friends and deal with the loneliness, or have you already got some thoughts and maybe just need a bit of time and support from us to put them into place?

Please let me know if I'm completely wrong on both accounts, or even if you're just not sure. Depression and loneliness can be absolutely exhausting, and I just don't want to be putting any more pressure on you. I hope your week is going well!

James

[Baileysmells]

I’m honestly lost and have no idea what I want, when I don’t have friends I’m depressed about it but when I do, I’m depressed because that relationship isn’t enough

[james1]

Hey Baileysmells,

It sounds like you're doing it really tough at the moment, and I understand you feel pretty lost about what to do. What you have said reminds me a lot about my own experience about 6 years back when I was really confused about what I really wanted in my friendships and relationships. I think it's quite a normal thing to go through, and I am seeing it my sister as well as her friends. It's kind of like a quarter life crisis moment, and I suspect it has to do with how our social circles change dramatically after high school. So I'm not sure if there is a solution, but I do think it's something that we figure our way through and actually come out the other end with a much better sense of what we want in our friendships and relationships, which is a good thing overall. It does suck a lot in the moment though.

Have you ever spoken to a psychologist or counsellor? I have a psychologist who I see regularly and, even if she can't necessarily tell me exactly what to do, I find it helpful to just have someone who I have learnt to trust and has my best interest.

James

[redandblue]

Hey

I often feel some of the same feelings you’ve shared. While on paper my life is together I just feel so empty. I can’t connect with anyone or be myself around anyone not even my partner. I find myself  day dreaming 24/7 and trying to escape reality.

I don’t have many of the friends I once had and find it impossible to open up and make new friends or even to talk with a stranger face to face or even make eye contact. 

Even though I feel like this often I know that it’s worth it for the odd good days now and then and there is always another period of happiness to look forward to