First timer looking for support

[parker1976]

Where to begin!!! 43 yrs old, married for 15yrs now divorced, 2 girls (Teenage). Had a long term relationship of nearly 5 years until recently. Always brushed off mental health (typical male attitude) until i felt it myself. My ex long term partner (lets call her 'S')was diagnosed with BPD after she had an episode (dont know if thats the right term) and pushed one of my kids. My reaction was not the best and I ended the relationship. In my up bringing i felt my parents never put me first and I know how it made me feel, i suppose that is why I reacted the way i did and ended the relationship as i didnt want my kids to feel like i had. I kept in touch with S and was so proud of her for how she treated her BPD diagnosis and the DBT training she did. I told her she turned from a girl into a women and I was so proud of her. During our relationship I was not the perfect partner and I had commitment issues which came from my marriage. I was scared to commit, live together etc which resulted in a few break ups of my doing over the relationship. Last year I suddenly lost my father who lived in the UK which obviously came as a massive shock. After returning from the UK i decided i needed some help with my mental health. Losing my father made me realise there were things in my life that i had never addressed and because of this i made some poor decisions (not committing, ending the relationship with S etc). I was still speaking with S and were sleeping together, neither of us had looked for anyone else. I made a decision to commit to her but when i told my kids they were upset and i was weak and broke it off with S again. I told S that I needed to work on my issues so that I can be a better person for me and for us. S said I needed to do it for me not us. I said ultimately im doing it for the both of us because i love you and she said she loved me. I had been trying to contact S but she snapped back at me in a msg to leave her alone. I went to see her a few days later and she seemed off. I asked her where she'd been and she told me with a friend, i didn't believe her and asked if she'd been on a date? she said yes, I asked if she slept with him? she said Yes. I was/am devastated, she has now completely cu me out of her life, blocked me on everything and i am struggling. I think of her all day everyday. I know she has moved on with someone else and its killing me. How is she able to move on so quickly when she said she loved me. I cant stop beating myself up.

[white knight]

Hi Parker, welcome

The loss you feel is little different to the grief of a death in your family. I’ve had that 3 times myself in 3 long term relationships all over 7 years duration.

Each time like you, I couldn’t cope. In the end as I write this reply, I reflect and know in my heart that time is the only remedy along with activity.

Activity? Well I stumbled on that really, See my ex wife and I parted ways. A week prior I was suicidal so it was a serious period. I landed in s caravan park at 40yo with little more than a 10ft caravan. Those first few weeks were terrible.

I worked in security 12 hour shifts then was offered another job on my days off. Then I spotted a block of land and secured it, ordered a kit home and built it myself in whatever spare time I had. Obviously I was exhausted and suddenly it dawned on me- I didn’t have time to think about my lost marriage anymore.

google beyondblue fistraction and variety

Back to you. I have various beliefs now. One is- if is isn’t meant to be then it shouldn’t be. Another one is- if a step parent doesn’t love all children with a nurturing attitude then they are not good partners for the parent.

With children, even teens, you reap what you sow. My last partner was very possessive even jealous of my children, hence it lasted 20 years...9 years too long.

Your now ex GF might always claim you were indecisive, non committed blah blah, but we are all the subject of our past lives, our upbringing and our genes. Blaming by her or yourself to yourself won’t fix anything, it will however cause you internal turbulence that won’t be helpful to you nor your kids that adore you. For those reasons alone it’s time to take some weeks to recover, find activities and come out of this with a healthy new vision.

google

beyondblue topic the best praise you’ll ever get

beyondblue topic variety and distraction

youtube Maharaji Prem Rawat sunset

youtube Maharaji Prem Rawat the perfect instrument

In fact listen to Maharaji videoes when you can, he has many with motivation and lateral thinking- you’ll enjoy thrm

Repost anytime

TonyWK

[parker1976]

Thank you for your words TonyWK, I know they say time is a great healer and im hoping it will be. Im trying to stay active however, in this current climate its hard. I know i need to stop thinking about her but its just so hard when all i have is time on my hands. I cant help but think is she ok (Coronavirus) and think is she worrying about me? probably not knowing how she was able to cut me out of her life so easy. I will stop thinking about her im sure at some point, its just so hard right now.

Thank you for the links to google, i'll give them a try.

[parker1976]

still cant stop thinking of her. I know i need to stop but i just cant.She was the love of my life... when i left my wife of 15yrs i didnt think twice about leaving her but this girl has got me messed up big time. id never felt love like i had from her and ive screwed it all up!!!!! i cant see any light at the end of the tunnel.