Feeling emotionless and in a daze

[Garfield2020]

Shit went down recently for me (lost someone. No one died). I was distraught for a couple of days. Crying a lot. Absolutely shattered.

And then I started feeling emotionless even though I know I would and should be feeling emotions.
I feel dazed and trance like. Like a haze. I stare at things but I'm not zoning out or actually staring. I don't feel anything. I don't feel love, despair, hope, sadness, no empathy. Sometimes I get closer to feeling things but I just can't. I'm edging on feeling emotions.
When I do my evening walks, it's extra weird because I just walk like a zombie staring up ahead but not at anything and I just mindlessly walk. Completely emotionless.

I've had experienced this a lot before. I'm only just talking about it know because me feeling nothing right now is really weird. I just want to feel something. And I want to care. But I can't make myself feel anything or care. (btw I don't self harm, never have.)
The only thing that showed I still felt anything was my back pain and shoulder pain which is caused by things like anxiety or stress. But that's also gone.
I used to be scared I was a psychopath or something because I never felt anything at all. No empathy, no care ect.

I told a friend about this and they said that it sounded like disassociation but honestly I have no clue. But It could also be depression? Is it grief? I don't know. I just want to feel something so badly.
I also worry that it means I don't care about what happened or the person I've lost.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there

Sorry your post got missed, and I'm sorry to hear you've recently lost someone. I don't have a definitive answer for you honestly. But grief does go through stages so there's a possibility that that's it. My partner recently split with me and I felt very not ok, and then the next day I felt fine and I was confused but hopeful that I had just accepted it. Then I went back down the rabbit hole, so obviously not. I've also been through bouts of depression and that can be described as feeling nothing (at times), so it's possible that it's that. Everyone experiences things differently. I'm not sure there is anything that is "normal". If, however, you're finding this distressing may I suggest a chat with your GP?

Also I'm wondering about your thoughts. Do you think that you care about what happened or the person you've lost? Perhaps there's some disconnect between your thoughts and your emotions? Again everyone experiences things differently and what's normal? What do you think?

Kind wishes, Katy

[Garfield2020]

Thank you. Yea a few days after making this post, I was emotionless for a few days and I also thought I'd accepted it. And then wham it came back and I cried lots.
With the GP stuff: I've started dealing with anxiety with a therapist n crap. I'll definitely bring this up.

The thing is I do care about them. But being emotionless makes me freak out because I rationally know that I care about them (I know that because I cared about them the day before I was emotionless) and I want to care about them but i'm void of all emotions.
It makes my emotions and thoughts seem disconnected. Because my brain is going "hey you were crying your ass off the other day. You still care and love that person" when I don't feel anything at all.

I think the emotionless schtick has been going on for a while like on and off. But recent events set it off or set something similar off as a way to cope with what hit me. So it's definitely grief and something else. I know it's not normal to feel like a zombie or like you're stuck in a haze + emotionless.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there

Glad that you've posted to let us know how you're going with things. Sorry that it's both raw and painful and confusing at the same time though. My friend was telling me about grief and that our bodies/mind go through periods of 'rest', where it feels a bit like a blank space, and then we move to a different phase of grief. So I don't know if that's what's happening, as you've mentioned it's happened before. But I'm glad you're seeing someone to help you make sense of things. Check back in if you want to chat more or let us know how things are going. And be gentle on yourself. You've been through an upsetting event and you're doing your best at handling it. Take care, Katy

[Garfield2020]

I guess everything has been wack. The zoning out thing is back. I don't think it's triggered by grief.
Also one big vent/rant coming up. Also it's unrelated to the grief and stuff.

I feel like i'm rotting. I don't really leave the house much during the day. I do leave it at 10ish 11pm for ingress which is a game similar to pokemon go. I don't really do much honestly. A friend sent me a meme which had something about "all you do is consume media". And that's true. And I hate it. But I can't world build anymore. I used to be able to do it daily for hours. I can't write. I feel too miserable to write. I never feel inspired.
The other day I did feel inspired a bit. I wanted to make creatures out of clay. But I didn't. Mainly because I don't have the supplies and I thought "yay :))))) I feel creative and inspired. Maybe i'll be able to make something then when I feel like crap coz I have an idea" but I never do work on these ideas. I have trillions of unfinished projects I could be working on. But I don't.
A week ago, I tried to sit down and write. I just couldn't. It's like writers block but it's been there for years.
I want to make music but I never do. I want to make funny videos and chuck them on youtube but I never do.

I once saw a post somewhere, someone talking about how they just stare at their computer for 12 hours a day. Play videogames. Browse the internet. And yea me too. I relate.
I've had no motivation since y9. It's caused problems to my school work, but I've managed I guess. I can't pay attention in class. I can't focus. I genuinely can't read anymore. I look at it and my brain is just so fried that I can't make out a sentence. Even when I can read, I can't read anything hard. Because it just goes over my head. And this hurts me a lot. Since I used to read 24/7. I used to be able to read large fat books with fancy language. I used to be able to read tolkien (not hobbit and lotr) but the hard to read stuff.
It's like my brain has been completely fried. Short circuited. Can't work.

I wrote more but I feel like it's too long to include in here

[Garfield2020]

For context, just finished school and I'm gonna start uni soonish

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there

Just so you know, I'm just a fellow forum user with my own problems - not at all an expert - but I'm interested and care about what you have to say. So it's been ten days since we spoke last and i'm wondering if you've seen anyone professionally in that time and if so how it went for you?

I feel like I can relate to the rotting away you describe, and also a lack of creativity and interest/motivation, which I've experienced during times of depression. Obviously I can't diagnose you but that may be what's happening for you. Inability to concentrate as you've said, with books, can be a sign of depression too.

How do you feel about going to uni? I'm just about to start my final year - although I'm in my 40's! 🙂

Katy

[Garfield2020]

I haven't seen anyone in the last 10 days but I have an appointment which is good. On the bad side, my anxiety has been spiking like mad, not related to Christmas. But for some reason it's extra crap. Concerning the grief shit, I feel like I've completely forgotten and gotten over even though I know rationally, that's not the case.

With this crap, i'm just venting and shit so some of it goes off tangent.

I'm second guessing what I want to do in uni. I applied for an IT computer degree but I'm still in a bit of a crisis. Even though I've been so sure of what I wanted to do. Mid freak out, I applied to an arts degree majoring in art history or something. I won't do it but yea. I had more written about uni but I accidentally closed the tab and lost it all. I'm just freaking out a lot about uni. Sometimes I feel like I've made a big mistake by deciding to do all of this. Like applying and going to uni = mistake. I know I'd enjoy IT since I love computer stuff. But I also want to do things like art history, anthropology and politics and so on. I won't but.
I wanted to start HRT before uni but I can't (waiting lists and so on) and that's how it be sometimes. I also want to visit my oversees family one last time before HRT because I am terrified of how they'll react. Because after a few months, I won't be able to hide the affects. And I just want some happy memories with my grandparents before everything goes ass up. So I just pretend everything is normal and nothing drastic has changed and shit. My dads cool with us going oversees and shit in Jan. But now it's late December. Nothing has happened. Mainly because my mum and my dad can't agree on when and so on.

I just want some happy memories. I haven't seen my grandparents in a long ass time (for obvious reasons).

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there

Sorry I've been absent. Dealing with my own anxiety. Sux doesn't it. I'm glad to hear you have an appointment booked. It's good to be able to talk things through to help make sense of them.

In regard to uni, it's normal to be unsure of what you want to do. My son is in his early 20's and he's had 2 separate goes at uni - completely different fields, and bailed on both of them. Maybe uni wasn't for him at all. Either way it's ok. He'll figure it out eventually. Don't place too much pressure on yourself to "get it right", it sounds like you're dealing with a lot already.

Sorry, I'm not sure why you haven't seen your grandparents in such a long time. But that must be hard. I hope you're able to get there soon. You stated "before everything goes ass up" so I presume you have concerns about the future. Do you think it's something you want to/will be able to talk to them about? Are your parents supportive of you? I hope so, because it sounds like you've got a lot going on, and I hope you've got people in your life that are there for you.

And yes, waiting lists are a pain in the a$$

Katy

[Garfield2020]

I haven't seen my grandparents in a while since international travel and stuff like that. I'm definitely not talking to my grandparents about my concerns about the future. I wouldn't tell my parents either. But I'm chill with telling my therapist.
Just wanna make crystal clear because in my earlier thing it wasn't clear, that by HRT I mean the hormones for trans people.
My parents are supportive and will stand up for me. My concern is that my grandparents will not react well at all, that's what I meant about things going "ass up". And therefore I want happy memories so that if they don't react well, I still have these happy memories to think about.

As my mental health has gone up and down, so has my political crap. I swing between "yay I can't wait for uni. I want to involve myself in politics groups if they exist" and then to "this is all hopeless. Literally any political beliefs of mine are hopeless. No point. I should just go back to believing nothing at all" to "well my normal beliefs won't cut it. Should go more extreme or read about xyz".
And this sounds kinda irrelevant but I am very political and I always have been. And it's always mattered a lot to me so it's bit of a litmus thingie. If that makes sense.
I rely on it to make me care. Like I don't care about crap. So it makes me care about stuff I'd care about I'd care about when I can care again or when I used to care. It also gives me a purpose when I have no purpose. Well not really a purpose but a aim. I don't know how to explain it or word it.

And I have all these opinions and but I don't put anything into practice and that makes me feel even worse. Because in general, I don't do crap and I'm just rotting.
Honestly I'm also just desperate for human interaction. If it's real life interaction, it's overwhelming and I get tired quickly. If it's on the internet, it just doesn't fill that need for interaction. I don't know if it's loneliness but it probably is. My friends make group chats about going to places or doing things but usually, I don't go.

Waiting lists suck big time

I just wanted to add something I forgot to mention, my mental health has been super volatile. Like goin' up and down like a rollercoaster. Loads of anxiety