Existential depression

[GuestQM]

I feel like no one understands me, and it makes me incredibly lonely.
It started when I was in school, and I thought it would get better as I grow older. I’m now approaching 30, but I’m still not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
I tried to understand others, to listen to their problems without judgement, and to give advice (when asked). I’ve been told that I’m a good listener and a good friend. But when I need someone to talk to, no one seems to understand. Sometimes I am misinterpreted, other times I am ignored and even criticised. It seems the more I try, the more I am misunderstood, and the more I feel frustrated.
I hate going out to parties or meetup groups. Everyone seems to talk over each other, and no one listens. The more I socialise, the lonelier I feel.
I tried to improve myself, to read books, to try to think more rationally, to communicate more clearly, so that others can understand me better. But after years of trying, it all seems fruitless.
It’s no one’s fault, really. I have a sensitive temperament that makes me a little out of sync, a little hard for others to understand, I know that. I can’t change who I am, nor can I change other people. But this doesn’t make things better.
On most days, I’m okay. I’ve adapted by spending most of my non-working time alone at home, reading books, watching movies, etc. I like stories that have some philosophical themes, e.g. existentialist writers like Sartre, Camus, Kafka, etc. Some of these may be depressing, but at least they make me feel understood, which is something that the people in my life cannot provide.
I can feel myself changing over time, becoming more isolated, more cynical, more resentful, and less trustful towards other people. I know how counter-productive it is, but I don’t know how else to cope.
On some bad days I feel like wanting to end all of this. I just came out of a bad depression, where I spent days in bed and even had suicidal thoughts… right now I’m feeling a little better.
I’m thinking of seeing a psychologist. But where do I start? I don’t even know the name of my problems, other than ‘depression’ and ‘loneliness’. The few counsellors/therapists I’ve tried were of no help at all, and I often felt worse after speaking to them.
I’m also thinking of moving to another city and start over (after the virus ends), but I’m not sure if this would help. I’d hate to waste so much effort just to end up back at the same place.
I guess I’m just hoping to find people are in the same situation, or have been through something similar… what worked for you? how did things improve?
Anyway, thanks for reading through all of this…

[missingpuzzlepiece]

Hey GuestQM,

you are begining to see there are more of you than you realised, the problem is, we are all sitting at home wondering where al the normal are and then analyse the ins and outs of what life might be like if we met them.

Your grievances will never go down well with others, because you already come prepared, you have your references and dot points to all that it may entail, where others want to flitter over topics, the detail isnt important for them, and that is ok. Their opinions may frustrate you, and that is ok too, because you already know you frustrate them at times, so it equals out doesnt it? When they bring up their greivances, simply agree with them. Oh yes terrible isnt it, oh no what are we all to do! Why? because they are only venting. Remember you analyse, they may not to the same degree, so the response sought is very different. You want discussion, they want to vent.

Socialising is about fun, and while you may enjoy a debate on philosphy beyond the catchprhases, others are not there to stress any intellectual thoughts, its about fun. Conversation will be light, it wil be frantic, the rules of conversatin gone, for free flowing outbursts and banter. You can enjoy it too, jsut listen, follow what you can, dont think of replies, jsut listen. If anyone says, You're quiet... just smile and say YEP. The ONLY reason why they said this, is beacuse they thought you might be feeling left out, and were trying to include you. Nothing else, you smiling says you are fine.

So make a list of your favourite speakers, find out if/when they will be in Australia and buy a ticket. Go to the venue, and smile and nod at those sitting around you. When its over, look around and remark how great that was, hoping it will be or that might get awkward. If a person responds, well apart from "be quiet it hasnt ended yet", then there is a conjuncture of possible freinship forming, because everyone in that room, is your kind of people.

and one last for the road... Cheers!

[Lenscap]

Hey man,

Great reading list. Maybe byron put it the best; "those that know the most must mourn the deepest, the tree of knowledge is not the tree of life."

Im gonna call you out because I did the same thing. The intellectual limit you are putting on life is more powerful than the obstacles holding back your happiness.

The phone, internet and computer all may feel like friends, but really they are a devil.

Im not suggesting you need to live in a cave, the opposite exactly. Aspire the tennets of the romantics and reconnect with the aesthetic of nature. Eudaimonia man its the key!

The key to a better life is in fact also the key to your front door.

The Greeks believed it was as much a sin to neglect the body while exercising the mind as to do the inverse.

Honestly, there is no escape from the lethargy, it is in fact a cruel signal that we need to move more.

It's so absurd (as the existentialists would say) that a walk around the block could lead to a more fulfilling life, but the reality is you can't plan it out, you must probabilistically improve your chances of finding happiness and that begins with changing your environment.

I would recommend meeting a GP, not for the intellectual conversation because you will be underwhelmed, but as an empirical measure of your success and a guide through the financial support available on your journey. Balls in your court man. Time to step up and head out. No more excuses.