Exhausted and lonely

[Pelayn]

I suffer from depression. I don't hate myself. I dont hate my life. I have a supportive husband and i have friends.

I am doing therapy. I'm on medication. I'm trying to keep 'doing' things like seeing friends. I've reached out to one closer friend for support.

Still I'm consumed with depression. I feel empty and lonely.

I'm not close with family as that is where my depression stems from in the first place.

Today was a day i could take a break from fighting it. Not have to put on the fake smile and pretend. Not have to get out of bed. But my husband accepted a last minute play date. I couldn't put on the brave face so i left the house while he had company.

Tomorrow i will have to be strong again to get the kids to school and go to work. I'm mentally and physically exhausted.

How do people keep finding the strength to push forward will little sign of improvement?

[CMF]

Hi,

I'm hearing you loud and clear. I'm feeling this way too. I just feel so lonely and empty. Besides work and family do you have any hobbies that may give you a sense of satisfaction or achievement? I have found that exercise helped lift my mood, taking a good walk, which I prefer to do on my own. I could walk and be with my thoughts and not have to put on a face for anyone.

It's a bonus that you have a supportive husband. How old are you your children? Do you feel that everyday is just the same old thing? Do you enjoy your job?

Hope to hear back from you.

cmf

[Pelayn]

Hi.

Thanks for your reply.

Don't really have any hobbies but I do love singing. I joined a singing group 2 weeks ago as an attempt to feel happy. I didn't enjoy it like I thought I would.

I don't get a lift from exercise the way others do. The past few weeks i haven't had motivation for anything.

My kids are 5 & 6. I went onto medication when my youngest was 1. About 3 months ago i had a really bad time and started therapy.

Since then i feel I've been pulled apart and have no idea how to put myself back together.

Work was my escape as i could hide my depression and be a different person. Now not so much. I'm finding it really hard to put on a brave face at work.

I had 3 really great days a few weeks back but fell hard after that.

I'm glad im not the only one. Have you shared your feelings with family or friends? Do you have a support network?

[topsy_]

Hello Pelayn

How do people keep finding the strength to push forward will little sign of improvement?

I find when this happens to me I do one of 2 things -

1. I fill my time with mind numbing activity. For me that means playing games on the iPad or reading.

I realise that's a bit difficult for you with your 2 littlies. Do they have iPads/tablets each? My daughter has each child's fav shows/DVDs on their technology & they all sit down together at times, together but with their separate activities.

2. When I feel totally overwhelmed & that I can't cope for another day/week etc, I narrow the time frame. I tell myself I only have to get to lunchtime, or if that's too far then morning tea. If that's still too far for me then it might be the next 10 minutes.

If I achieve that, then another 10 minutes I will often begin to pick up a little confidence. Not after 20 minutes, but when I notice I am reaching these mini goals.

This is just what works for me. I hate exercise so I've never even tried that!! And I don't have anything to do with my family of origin as my problems began there too.

Luckily I have 3 daughters & 9 grandkids so I am able to enjoy them.

I am sure others on this site will have lots of other ideas to share. Just remember - no matter how hard it gets, it WILL get better. If you can't find that belief within yourself then hang on tight to someone else's belief. That's what I did & they were right. Things are much better than in the bad old days.

Take good care of yourself - you are so very worth it. Lyn.

[hope4joy]

Hi Pelayn,

I'm sorry to hear how tough things are for you at the moment. I get what you mean about having to just go through the motions of life and try to appear happy when inside you're overwhelmed and sad and disconnected.

I just wanted to share that sometimes after starting therapy things can seem like they are getting worse and unravel and get messier and emotions stronger. Well that's been my experience. And then down the track a bit, especially when I take a break from counselling, then i can suddenly see how far i've come and grown. It takes a lot of emotional energy to do therapy but (just my opinion) if you build a trusting space it can really help bring about change.

Its nice having you on the forums here, do keep posting and chatting, there's lots of great people to connect to.

And I'm just wondering, do your kids like to sing? Could you aim to sing one song with them each day? Sometimes it takes a while of doing something before the joy comes back... but it does eventually.

Kindness your way,

Christina 🙂

[Pelayn]

Hi, thankyou everyone for sharing.

Lyn - I will sit with the kids while each doing our own thing so at least I can be close to them even if not completely engaging with them. I like the idea of setting little goals like I'll just get the washing in.

I also love your suggestion using someone else's belief that I will get better.

Christina - I feel exactly as you described - things can seem like they are getting worse and unravel and get messier and emotions stronger. -That's why I feel so exhausted. It's funny you mention about signing with the kids, I was sing my daughters reader to her the other night. She said she chose that book because she knew I liked it. It melted my heart.

As I mentioned in my first post I had a really bad day recently and have had 2 days off work to get back on track. My lovely husband has been there with me. One of the reasons it was so bad was that the close friend that I had reached out to and had been supporting me over the last three years wasn't there for me. This is my lowest point in the last three years.

She knew exactly what I was gong through and when I reached out to her when I needed her most she didn't offer to visit me, call or even say I wish I could be there with you. That made me even sadder. She said I was one of her closest friends. I felt so let down.

I'm happy to say that last night I called a friend from work who has had a similar experience and opened up to her (only the 4th person I have confided in including my husband) and one of the first things she said was I want to get in the car and come and give you a big hug. That is all I wanted from my close friend.

So I've been going over and over in my head why she wasn't there for me. I don't think I was wanting too much from her. In 'analysing' this situation after my emotions have calmed down I'm wondering if she was the right support person. Her words were always so caring and sincere but recently when I said I need more support ie. catching up for coffee every couple of weeks, she said things like 'I have a busy life and a lot of friends and don't always have time to catch up'. Her words don't seem to match her actions.

What supports did/do you use? Did I just get unlucky with my friend? I can't afford to believe that there aren't people out there that are willing to be by your side.

[Pelayn]

Update - my friend and support contacted me last night to say id hurt her. This was completely unintentional on my part. I tried to put her away to protect myself.

I worked through it with my husband without falling apart. But i think i had a panic attack. I have been shakey on and off today.

Woke feeling ok but have been fighting sadness today. I tried singing and played my new piano for 2 hours but still feel the same.

I'm not sure what else to try.

I'm unable to contact my friend and until we speak i can't imagine feeling better.

[hope4joy]

Hi Pelayn,

I'm sorry to take so long to get back to you. It sounds like you've had a really awful couple of days. And also that you've done amazingly well to get through it - and to try singing even if it didn't lift your spirits. I loved hearing that your daughter chose a reader because she knew you liked it - that is magical.

As to what is happening with your friend, to be honest I'm very unskilled at relationships of any sort. And from what you've written it seems like there was some sort of miscommunication/ misunderstanding between you guys? Like you friend felt very hurt (for something you didn't intend/ realise) and then she with-held her friendship/ kindness when you needed her friendship.

I guess a few things come to my mind. One is that it is so easy to accidentally upset someone, and we humans miscommunicate all the time. Another is that friendships can either break or get stronger at these points of intersection. Recently I felt very hurt and let down by my best friend and ended up telling her while sobbing - because basically I'd missed her friendship - and it was kind of awkward at the time. But neither of us attacked each other in words - we just said our part. And since then our friendship has become more open and stronger. I've also had a history of becoming friends with people who can't meet my needs - people who are quite emotionally cold and unsupportive - because I'm used to being treated like that - and so their rejection confirms how I feel about myself.

Are you able to meet that friend and talk more about how you're both feeling? And let her know you value her friendship and support? And try to gauge where she is at?

I really hope the situation improves for you. Its a hard thing with mental illness and when we don;'t have many friends around - because those that are become ever so special and important, that it is devastating when they're not around/ there is a hiccup in connection.

I'm also wondering Pelayn, do you think your medication is helping with your mood? What did it do initially to how you felt? I'm just wondering because you sound like things are so tough. Are you keeping on talking to your GP with how you're feeling?

Kindness to you,

Christina

[Pelayn]

Thanks Christina. Thats very helpful.

I have found these forums have really helped this past week.

I am very much wanting to talk with my friend and she said she will when she is ready. She is out of town at the moment. There is a lot to this, much more than i can write.

I haven't really been through this with friends before cos i guess i haven't been that close to them before. The depression has resulted in me becoming closer with this friend but has also caused problems. Hope that made sense.

It probably is just misunderstanding. I'm wanting a bit more emotional support but have never said that. Her words are kind but she seems a bit standoffish. Time will tell.

I have read that other people have trouble keeping friends as the depression can cause irrational behavior which some people can't understand nor move on from.

As for ADs the first one i had worked really well for about 3 years. I have tried 2 others since and had 2 strength increases in the last month or so after commencing therapy. I can say my current dose has stopped me crying as much and i don't get the really scary lows anymore.

Day by day.

[hope4joy]

Hi Pelayn,

Thanks for your reply. I hope the chat with your friend goes well. Its such a scary thing to say when we're needing something and something isn't working - its brave to bring it up - and can make friendships closer. It sounds like you're doing really well in addressing this. I hope your friend is ready to chat to you soon. I guess she has her own insecurities/ issues as well that will impact how she feels and interacts.

Yes I agree with you Pelayn mental illness does affect friendships. I guess for me in terms of depression, it can often leave me with such little energy, so I become more quiet and focussed on what i'm doing, and people can read that as aloof. I can also see the world through quite negative and/or angry terms at times, which is a heavy energy for others i suspect. Sometimes when I feel really low it is hard to interact with everyday banter. For me though its mostly the lack of confidence that depression brings that impacts my friendships - being afraid to be myself and say what i really feel, and at times not even knowing how to communicate what i feel. I often need to sit by myself to figure out my feelings before i can communicate them to someone else.

i'm feeling a bit foggy and tired at the moment Pelayn so not sure if this is making sense! its good to hear that your last increase of the anti depressant helped, it is very much trial and error I've found. I'm just wondering, it seems like these is a lot of pressure on this friendship, are there any opportunities for you to grow other friendships too? Do you have any acquaintances that might be someone you'd like to get to know more? I'm in a similar situation with just one main good friend locally and it makes a fraught and precarious situation I find because I rely on her so much and don't have other people to catch up with in between.

Its also nice to hear that the forums are helping you. They're a nice place to connect.

Kind wishes,

Christina