Defeated

[SailorsGirfriend]

Hi

I think I am depressed.

Lately I have been having problems with my fiancé in the bedroom. We haven't been able to be intimate for 2 months now because he is suffering from erectile dysfunction. At first I blamed myself, that I wasn't attractive, but he assured me it wasn't that. However it keeps happening, and it is really starting to take a toll on our relationship. I feel as though he is being very selfish in his own feelings but keeps forgetting how it affects me, despite continually telling him. It seems to be putting more pressure on the situation but I can't help feeling anger and hurt toward him for it.

I am at the point where I feel not living is an easier option, the arguments and low self esteem are so draining. Perhaps it has triggered my feelings of worthlessness. In the past 2 weeks I have had 3 panic attacks, and begin crying for no real reason.

I just want to stay in bed and not go to work tomorrow. I get so tired of having to pretend I am happy.

I don't know what to do anymore...

[Croix]

Dear SailorsGirfriend~

Welcome back. You sound very distressed by the things going wrong in your relationship and I really think there are not one but two things in your life that need to be fixed.

The first is of course you, thoughts that killing yourself might be easier than living are a huge danger signal, and the low self esteem, crying and feelings of hopelessness are no doubt all a horrible part of it too.

You really do need to deal with them right now. Doing so has two parts. First the short term danger of feeling overwhelmed, in despair or frightened you might go to far. A safety plan is a good way to cope with that - as I've found myself.

Have a look at:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

It includes an app, BeyondNow, which you fill in in advance. It has all sorts of things in it, not just emergency numbers, and is there for you to reach for when in need. I had my partner help me fill it in, it makes for good understanding. Talking of emergency numbers I'd suggest the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) who are experienced and a real comfort.

In addition you need to see your doctor. If you are already being treated for anxiety or depression then you need to say it is not working properly. Don't be reluctant to talk about suicidal thoughts. They are important so the problem can be addressed. Doctors are used to these situations. I improved out of sight once I had the right treatment.

Now the other thing is your fiancé. To have problems in bed can come about for all sorts of reasons, some physical and some psychological. I doubt very much if it is a lack on your part, much more likely it is a problem he may or may not know he has. So he too needs to see a doctor and should have a complete physical and mental assessment. Once the problems has been identified steps can be taken to put things right.

Failure to perform is a pretty big thing for most males and I would not be at all surprised if this overshadows all else for him. Of course it has a big effect on you, however he may be too preoccupied to see that clearly.

Ill feeling and arguments are only going to make the situation worse, you feeling unloved, angry and maybe not good enough, him feeling pressured and stressed. Pretending too is an isolating sort of thing, with you on the inside and the whole world outside and not realizing what you are going though.

Can you have a calm friendly talk with your fiancé and agree to get help?

Croix

[SailorsGirfriend]

Hi Croix

Thank you so much for your reply. You've given some great advise.

I have booked in to see a doctor because I recognise I need help.

I have spoken with my fiancé about getting help a month ago and he saw a doctor then. But because the situation seems to be getting worse maybe it's worth going back again. It's tricky because I have asked my partner to communicate with me, but he holds everything inside so I often feel left in the dark, he doesn't proactive try and change the situation and seems to think things will get better on their own.

Nonetheless, thank you again for the advise. Because it's a private matter I haven't been able to share my feelings with anyone else so it's a relief to finally let it out.

[Croix]

Dear SailorsGirfriend~

You are not alone, there are plenty of folks here who have had troubles like yours, so talking here is a pretty good idea.

It may well take more than one go with your fiancé to get him to talk with you, however it is important, it is a two-person problem, not just you. If you are going to spend a lifetime with someone they have to care for you, see when you are hurting or upset, and try to make things better for you. Just hoping it will be right is not enough.

I would imagine he would feel very embarrassed, pressured - and worried. Some people have difficulty talking to their doctor about such things, so talking to their fiancée would be even harder.

I guess you have to try to get him to show his love for you in terms of consideration and care, not just in bed.

Please let us know how you go, this is having too much effect on you to try to soldier on alone.

Croix