Decisions

[Learningcurve]

Hi everyone,
I joined BB a few years ago, but haven’t been on here much at all! I struggle with anxiety/depression. Most of the time I am unmedicated, Ive always felt worse medicated so tend to avoid it unless I get really low. I have a husband and two children 19 &17. Here are my current struggles.
JOB: I currently work full time in a job I HATE. I started back at this job 2.5 years ago, I worked there previously, so knew I was going going to hate it, but my job at the time was finishing and we couldn’t afford for me to be unemployed so I took it. I decided a few mths ago to start looking for something else. I have applied for so many jobs that I’m qualified for, but just can’t seem to land one. As you can imagine this constant rejection is not good. It’s so hard to keep getting back up and then rejected.
FAMILY: My husband doesn’t know how much I struggle with my depression/anxiety. Previous times I have involved him he does the let’s get this fixed which we go off to the doctor etc and then he never brings it up again. His mother suffered badly with mental health problems so I think his way of coping is to ignore it, until he has no choice but to get involved. So my way of dealing with his non involvement is to suffer on my own. But safe to say I feel so alone in our marriage/family life.
FRIENDS: We have a close group of friends, but I constantly feel like the one left out (typing this feels like I should still be 16 & back in school)!! I feel like the only reason I am with them is because everyone likes my husband. He is such an extrovert and fun to be around. None of our friends know about my depression/anxiety, because I don’t feel close enough to talk about it with any of them.
I have hit a major cross road, I feel like I would have a better chance of being happier & managing the anxiety/depression if i was on my own, that way I can avoid a lot of the situations that make my anxiety worse (ie:social events where I feel unwanted, family who I can’t talk to etc). I find the hardest part is feeling alone surrounded by so many people. But then I’m concerned that totally isolating myself cannot be good for anyone? At this point there is not one area of my life that feels good/right. I cry every Sunday night starting a new week and the worst day of the year for me is coming around “New Years” that feeling of how am I going to get through another year!! Anyway just needed to get this out of my head and onto paper. Thanks for for reading..

[PamelaR]

Hi Learningcurve, welcome to Beyond Blue

It's pleasing you've found your way back here and able to write about how you are. Thank you for sharing. I find writing helps so much with clearing the head and making it easier to think. You are doing really well.

You say you have 3 major stressors - job, hubby and friends. These don't help with anxiety and depression do they?

I'm not a health professional, though I do live with PTSD, anxiety and depression. And each of your stressors have been mine too in the past. I'm retired now so, no longer have the job stress, however, retirement brings it's own stress. Can't get away from it. For me, I think it's all about how I think, or more to the point what I think others think of me. It's taken years of work with my psychologist to work through my past traumas and to help me find better ways of thinking about myself.

Do you see anyone other than your doctor? For example a psychologist or counsellor?

I also relented on the medication front. I refused for years to take any anti depressants. But had to relent when I had a breakdown. It was imperative, otherwise the doctor would have had me hospitalised. I continue to take medication, and while it was increased there for a short while after my retirement, I have now reduced it back to my usual level. There are times I'd like to stop it altogether, however, when something new comes along to stress me, I say thank goodness I didn't stop.

So for me, managing my anxiety and depression has involved -

• finding a good doctor and health professional (e.g. psychologist) who supports me and gives me tools to help me manage my stresses, anxiety and depression

• taking prescribed medication

• living a health lifestyle, e.g. regular exercise, balanced diet, limited alcohol

• building and sustaining friendships that are good for me. Friends who aren't good for my mental health, I've left behind and actively looked for new friends who support me

• social outings. It is good to get out even though it is anxiety provoking. I keep telling myself it's what I think of the situation and not what I think is happening. I have the extraordinary ability to make up stories about what people think. I've found I have to challenge these stories - what are some alternatives to these that I make up.

Just a thought for the new year - are there 3 'good' things that you want to happen for yourself next year? Do you think you could build on these? Not sure how much this helps.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Learningcurve]

Hi PamelaR,

Thank you for your reply. I feel at the moment every part of my life is a stressor and a struggle. The only peace I get comes from my dog & cat, they calm me. But by far the biggest is the job, spending 40 hours a week in a place you hate, that is really hard to counteract. But to make the decision to change and then not have any control over if you get chosen is stressful because you can't do anything about that and the constant rejection eats away at what little self esteem left.

I am currently not seeing a specialist, I know I will be put on meds if I go back. I haven't had a good experience when on anti-depressants, I feel so different and not me when on them. I get put on one, they change it again and again, but throughout that process if I am feeling good (sometimes too good) I go and make life changing decisions that I never would have made off meds and the aftermath is spent dealing with those decisions, so i am so hesitant to go back down that road.

Thank you for your list on how you manage your depression/anxiety, i think that's where my crossroads are coming to a head, I feel some of the things need changing is not really compatible with my husbands ie: friends we hang around with, time to myself to recharge etc. I am feeling that if I was on my own I can make the necessary changes that are right for me. But that's something I need to work through?

Your question about next year, thats hard as I have hit a point where I dont plan things in the future, I am so up/down that one week i can be planning and motivated about something and by the following week something has deflated that enthusiasm and I just quit it. So I literally have no plans and no joy.

The other thing I have recently noticed is I don't know anymore what things I enjoy doing. If we have a nothing weekend I get so sad as I have spent all week at work counting down to the weekend and then to waste it makes gets me really down. But I actually spent sometime recently thinking about if I have a weekend with no plans what would I like to do and I literally came up with a blank. That tells me I have gotten lost in what my needs/likes are. I feel I have put everyone else's needs in the family first and I dont know me anymore. Another thing I need to figure out. Anyway thanks for listening.

[White_Rose]

Dear Learningcurve

Welcome to the forum. This is a good place to talk about those things that trouble you. Although we all hurt in different ways I think the bond of mental health issues helps us to help each other.

You sound very down and your depression has taken all the joy out of your life. That's not a good place to be.

Like Pamela I resisted taking antidepressants. I can manage on my own was my cry. Like you I tried a number of AD with little or no success. This went on for 18 months and some of the side effects were horrendous. Eventually the psychiatrist decided one was OK but I needed a second AD to counteract the side effects of the first. Ridiculous. Eventually I had a bad reaction mixing the AD with another prescribed medication and fell apart. I stopped both meds until my GP suggested I try a tricyclic AD. Much to my surprise it worked well with no side effects. It has made a difference. Whether I will ever be able to stop taking it I don't know but then I no longer care if the whole world knows I take an antidepressant pill. Check out the TCA group of AD with your GP, it may be of more use to you.

I am sorry your husband does not appear to support you. I know many people are nervous around any mention of mental illness but you deserve his full help and support. Does he know anything about depression? Beyond Blue has heaps of information about depression. Look under The Facts at the top of this page. You can download anything you wish except booklets. Place an order for any of these to be sent to you. No charge at all. Ask your husband to read a couple. There is a publication specifically for friends and family which may be helpful for him.

I understand your husband thinks a quick visit to the GP will fix up everything. He does need to know how you feel everyday. Reading some of the information can give him some insight into the things you struggle with. I believe your depression is not simply a five minute illness that needs a shot of TLC. He needs to know how serious this is and how he can help you. If you need to remind him every day for a while then do so.

Also under The Facts you can access the K10 checklist. It's not a diagnostic tool but it gives an indication of where you are on the depression spectrum. You may find this useful also. Show it to your GP.

I left my husband 18 years ago and ironically I fell into my pit of depression a year later. I think it would still have happened even if I had stayed.

Will write more later.

Mary

[Learningcurve]

Hi Mary thank you for your reply and insight, I will over the next few weeks spend the time to have a good look over the website and see what I can find that might help. It will be nice to be amongst people that can atleast symphathise with what we are going through, that will atleast be a nice change to feeling so alone.