Daughter cutting me out of her life

[HelloGail]

Hi. I am at the end. There is nothing in my life worth living for and am hoping this heart ache will end my sorrows. I can only be myself and my only child told me today that she no longers wants me in her life. In fact on Christmas Day past told me over the phone after I reached out to her for a reconcile "if you were not my mother, I wouldn't have anything to do with you". And today she confirmed this. If you read my previous posts of December 2022-January 2023 you will see what I wrote. Yes I had eye surgery on 12/12/22 and she left me, blinded, as she wanted to go back to her partner in Albury. Left me blinded as I had 12 stitches still in my right eye. My eye has since recovered from the surgery but her total rejection when I needed her the most after the surgery showed to me for the first time that my daughter does not care or even likes me. I raised her alone, got her through to university thanks to Kip McGrath. I worked hard to get her a Scholarship and she was granted a thirty thousand dollar scholarship which paid for her university campus accommodation and now she is fully qualified looks down on me as I am on a disability pension living in community housing. I did the best as I could on the little money I had. What happened? I do not know. My friends had warned me that I was spoiling her and now I believe I did so, it turned her into a person who does not appreciate me anymore. Sorry, I am in shock and lost for words.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome back,

Ok, briefly, I have 2 daughters, the eldest wonderful 33, younger one terrible to me 29yo. After many years of narcissistic deeds by the younger one I had to remove her from my life. I know your pain.

I'll be realistic. There is no sure way of ensuring continuous relations with anyone and I dont believe you've done wrong any any over the top way to justify your situation even though you'll search for reasons. At her age she likely needs much more life experiences in order to appreciate things including you. That is going to take a couple of decades if ever.

Her treatment of you when you needed her is, yes, unacceptable but I'm wondering if her intolerance pushed her to the edge and she couldnt stay. In these situations we gather as many reasons as we can to make us feel vindicated with our feelings. It's likely that she couldnt be relied upon for any such task at all given her lack of overall appreciation or maturity. By asking her for support in a time of need wasnt the way to go upon reflection. Her actions seem cruel but the bigger picture is more valid. She didnt have the capacity or desire to take on such responsibility imo. And no, spoiling her as a child I dont think is the reason, some kids just develop with deficiencies.

What now? Well there actually is a whole life out there full of laughter and general happiness that doesnt include your daughter. Focus on what you have not what you have lost. Find your passion, cement friendships and blend a new life with therapy and relaxation and other ways to cope with your loss. 

In some situations a meeting once or twice a year is possible, it wasnt with me as my daughter would try to extract money from me as her prime purpose plus her narcissistic behaviour. But give it some time and a brief letter suggesting that might satisfy her. Brief- one paragraph and no anger I suggest.

You might not agree with my answer, that's ok, take what you do agree with and store it away. 

I have a thread for you to look at.  Good luck, I hope you repost when you desire.

 https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/grief-and-loss/losing-a-child/td-p/314497

TonyWK

[HelloGail]

Hi and thank you White Knight, I am feeling better, at the time it was a shock to hear her tell me over the phone that she won't be seeing me before she leaves in first week of June for overseas, her plans are to live, work and travel for at least three years. I was happy and excited for her but her bringing up the past on matters concerning "my" behaviour was painful to hear. I can't contact her so should she call or text me, I will be open as I have never ever shut her out. The ball is in her court so I am getting on with my life, today is day 2. I got busy tracing my family history as started this in 2009. I had my own website on it but I deleted the website. I need a computer for this as no longer have one. My mother was adopted in the late 1920's and advertised in RSVP SMH and met my new found cousin through it and I know who my mother's natural father is and I am now keeping busy with that through FB. I rejoined it a week ago so I could see photos of my daughter while she travels overseas but that won't be happening now. 
I will just keep on truck'n as Prem W use to say. Thank you again White Knight.