Chemical Imbalance?

[React]

Hi everyone !    

                         I'll try to keep this short, 20 years ago i was diagnosed with MDD, i took an antidepressant for 6 months and got better after about 1 year -the antidepressant didn't really do much and i put most of my healing down to going to the gym and hanging out with friends, thinking back it was all a bit of a haze. At the start of last year i was suffering a lot with anxiety, i was also getting heart palpitations (pvc's pac's) and suffering with bouts of insomnia, all stress related. I woke up one morning in August 2022 and started to feel what i felt 20 years ago, it's very hard to put into words, here are some of my symptoms: waking up feeling hungover when i haven't been drinking, feeling like part of my brain is not working and clamped, unable to focus or think clearly, listening to some melodies/songs will make me feel sad/happy sometimes all at the same time, wanting to cry, feeling suicidal and not knowing why (i have no plans i love life), and persistent rumination which goes something like this-do i have a brain tumor? is it dementia? am i ill?  etc, also if my gf says something like "why are you rearranging your pets cage again'? i automatically start thinking oh my god she must think i'm crazy or bi-polar and get that intense anxiety/depressed feeling, also i keep trying to figure out what's wrong with me which only makes things worse, i just can't seem to snap out of it, i just want to add that all of this happens only during a depressive episode, this has been going on for over a year now, i do feel like i'm recovering and get about 18-19 good days out of each month where i feel fairly normal and motivated, what's strange is that at night i feel close to being normal again, it's only during the daytime i feel worse (during episodes).  Can anyone relate to this? does anyone have up and down periods like this? is this part of "recovery" ? i remember 20 years ago it was a roller coaster ride but it seems to be taking longer this time. I was on antidepressants for 9 months but ditched it cold turkey as it didn't really help, i've been off meds now for 6 weeks, this month i've only had 2 down day's at the start of the month and yesterday the low's seemed to have started again and have continued today, it's 10pm now and i'm feeling a lot better, any thoughts? Is this depression? I did get an evaluation and got diagnosed with MDD again. I exercise and eat healthily.

[therising]

Hi React

Having managed periods of depression over the last few decades and while being able to see good reason for each and every one of those periods, I eventually reached the conclusion 'I have the ability to feel what's depressing'. When I begin to go into a down shift these days, the first thing I acknowledge is 'There is something depressing going on here. I need to put on my detective hat'. So, it's a matter of the feeling coming first which then becomes a cue to investigate what that feeling's trying to tell me'.

With my 20yo daughter and 18yo son being highly intuitive people, I'm inclined to ask them what the heck is going on with me at times when I go into a down shift. I remember asking my son one time 'What's wrong with me?'. His response was 'Hangover', which you can relate to. When I asked him what that meant he told me he had no idea, it was simply what came to mind for him. I thought 'Okay, basically, what is a hangover?'. It's a side effect from a previous day or previous days. I then thought 'What have I been doing or haven't I been doing in previous days?'. I'll start running through a whole list of things that give me energy or deplete my energy. A list of energy promoters will involve good quality sleep (not just sleep), good hydration for every cell in my body so all those cells can vibrate/vibe at the best volume and frequency, a bit of solar power (promoting vitamin D), an energy generating diet, some kinetic energy (exercise), healthy levels of B12, inspiring people who I can feel raising me to levels of joy and excitement, deleting certain beliefs (mental weights) that weigh me down etc etc. A 'hangover' can point to a deficiency or deficit of any or all of those things. With certain chemical deficiencies, they can easily be picked up in a blood test. I can tell you a significant lack of B12 is definitely depressing. Being a gal who manages sleep apnea, a deficiency of good quality sleep can also become depressing. It's all about the quality.

General Adaptation Syndrome (GAS) can also become depressing. The side effects found in stage 3 of a 3 stage process can include heightened sensitivity to stress, anxiety, depression, exhaustion and more. Dealing with ongoing stress and challenging cortisol levels definitely comes with a hangover.

I figure, whether the deficiency relates to mind, body or soul, sometimes I won't necessarily feel it until it reaches a tipping point. Tipping point can definitely have us feeling like we're on an emotional see-saw. Into plenty of energy, out of it, into it, out of it and so on. Up and down. I think questioning so much is part of the quest, when it comes to greater self understanding. Btw, when I'm in a down I can also be channeling the obsessive analyst in me. That part of me will question the hell out of everything while in the process of finding some heaven on earth.

[yggdrasil]

Hi React,

Thanks so much for posting on here! I absolutely relate to your post, and TheRising's reply below. It sounds like you're doing a great job looking for ways to manage the depression.

1) I also had heart palpitations when I was very depressed, and under a lot of family stress. My doctor prescribed me medication, which helped. 

2) I've also had issues with insomnia, and many people I know who struggle with mental health also suffer from insomnia. I suspect it arises from the depression/anxiety not letting you calm your mind down at bed time. To deal with this I have become progressively more strict about my caffeine use, and bedtime ritual. For example, I am now extremely cautious about what forms of entertainment I use in the hour or two before bed - e.g. nothing political or "triggering". Also, my last partner would often want to discuss relationship stuff at bedtime (she was a night owl and would generally stay up 6 or more hours after me). This was a major issue for my sleep and mental health. If relevant, you may wish to discuss with your partner how crucial your "sleep hygeine" is.

3) The hangover feeling is very familiar - it sounds like burnout. For me this occurs when I've been working too hard, and operating in a high adrenaline/emotion/stress state for too long. If possible, taking leave or reduced hours/responsibility could be a good option. Over the years I have gotten better at detecting early evidence a burnout is approaching, and taking leave etc before it arises. For me I can "snap-in" to a depression instantly, but it can take months, even over a year, to recover, i.e. there is no "snap-out". This is why habits are so crucial, e.g. a "sabbath" day of rest every week, even when you feel good. 

4) Recovery for me was definitely a 10 steps forward, 9 steps back kind of thing. There were strong ups and downs. Now the downs are the more normal lows everyone experiences, generally lasting half a day at most. It took me a very long time to reach this point however, don't be discouraged if your progress is very uneven.

I hope that helps a bit, and that things are a little easier in the coming week. All the best,

yggdrasil