am I depressed or just lazy?

[char0239]

This is my first time posting on these forums so I don't really know how to start this.

I don't know if I may have actual mental health issues like depression or if I am just lazy and stupid. I'm 20 years old and a university student but I hate it. I've spent 3 years failing classes & am on the verge of getting kicked out because if it. I find it so overwhelming & exhausting, I find it difficult to even think about study without spiralling into a sickening panic & I can't seem to motivate myself to work. I feel too stupid. I can't concentrate. Instead I end up zoning out for hours every day basically doing nothing but trying not to think about uni. I fail classes because I can't get the energy to do any assessments & eventually stop showing up to classes because I can't get out of bed. My parents (who I still live with) have no idea how bad it is since I act normal & go to work & say I am doing uni stuff when they ask, they don't know I failed any classes let alone might be expelled & I'm too humiliated to tell them.

I also have no friends, I was on the outskirts of my friend group in high school & once we graduated I lost contact with most of them. The ones I still talk to occasionally are more like friendly acquaintances, we have nothing in common & the thought of meeting up with any of them just makes me feel anxious & depressed since they all have great friends & hobbies & are about to graduate, meanwhile I feel like I'm stuck in this dark hole & don't want anyone to know how pathetic I am. I have no hobbies or interests anymore, when I was 16 I began to lose joy in the things I used to like. Now I just spend most of my days sitting alone in my room. I just feel really low and hopeless most of the time, & can't imagine a future where my life is worth living.

But the problem is that I can still act normal around my family, I can go to work & paste a smile on my face, sometimes I will be doing something & not feel sad at all & think 'maybe life isn't so bad' (although that vanishes as soon as I remember my fear of university or loneliness or my hatred of myself). So am I depressed? I can't shake the feeling that I am just a lazy person trying to excuse their laziness. I don't know how to go about seeing a psychologist & I'm terrified that they would just tell me that what I am experiencing is normal & I am just too weak to deal with it like everyone else is, & I'm too ashamed to tell my parents I'm struggling so badly.

I have no idea what to do.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Char0239,

Welcome to Beyond Blue, and well done for reaching out.

I am sorry to hear of the struggles you are having right now. I must say though, you seem to have already identified part of the problem, when you said "the problem is that I can still act normal around my family, I can go to work & paste a smile on my face" .... this may sound a bit weird, but perhaps you could begin to address the problem by being honest and actually telling someone what is really going on for you, before the situation gets any worse?

You could perhaps start with seeing a counselor at the Uni you are attending? There are usually services like that at most places these days, all you need to do is ask. And that way, talking to a counselor, or at least someone who is not so close to you/or your situation, can take off some of the pressure or worry of 'disappointing' them. After all, that's what they are there for; to help you through the tough times.

And even though you say you have no idea what to do; well, you've already done yourself at least one little favor, and that is you have reached out on here.

Perhaps too you could consider talking to your doctor and get a referral from your doctor to see a psychologist. I think you may get a number of free sessions with a referral? Your doctor can also help you to develop a mental health care plan.

In the meantime, we are here for you and with you for as much and as long as you want and need. Please remember that you can come back to this thread as often as you want. Even join in on other threads of those in similar situations to yourself. It usually helps to know that you're not alone in this. There is always someone else who feels the same, who will perhaps be helped, even just by reading your story!

Anyway, I don't know if that helps or not. I hope it does, even just a little.

Take care. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. xo

[paddyanne]

Hi char0239. Firstly, correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the feeling you're attending uni because it's expected. Depression can cause tiredness which also causes us to struggle. People who don't really know how we're feeling or what we're feeling will mistakenly accuse us of laziness when in fact we're struggling from acute severe depression which completely zaps your energy. Sobercilious hit the nail correctly with the suggestion of seeing a Dr for a referral to a councilor. Maybe too look at the subjects you've chosen for uni. Are you comfortable with them. What do you feel comfortable about. Would changing your subjects help? All these things could be part and parcel of the depression which is clouding you. You are far from stupid. Concentrating when our energy levels are down is 'mission impossible'. Depression is similar to a heavy blanket that we can't lift alone. Perhaps think about writing a letter to your parents outlining how you feel, the pressure you feel from trying so hard when you're soooo tired. A Dr will help, also reinforce that to your parents that you need medical help. Self hatred is a normal part of acute depression, self hatred, fear of reprisal for letting ourselves and family down. You aren't letting anyone down, you're being totally honest.