Advice on changing habits

JWMS1985 · ‎05-10-2019

Hi all, I’m Jack and I am new to the forums.

I have depression, on medication and have managed it as best as I can. I have been honest with my family and partner but I recently realised I have not been honest with myself.

Earlier this week I had a few drinks, went to the strip clubs on my own, watched porn and wrote off Friday; thankfully I did not have to be anywhere. This is something I do every now and then but this time I ended up in a club with a group of people I did not know. I eventually came to, left and come home. My partner does know about what I have done but does not judge me for going but is upset I go by myself. I am looking to shake this habit as I often feel guilty about going afterward, spending money and that I have gone on my own again.

I am looking to change my habit but unsure I where or how to begin. I am looking to go back to professional help but can not afford it at this moment. I would like to mention I do not have anything against those in the adult industry; I am looking for advice on changing my habits.

Thanks in advance for help and support.

Croix · ‎06-10-2019

Dear Jack~

Welcome here to the Forum. I have no idea why you break out occasionally and go to strip clubs and so on. I agree spending money you may not be able to afford, particularly just on yourself, does not seem good.

I guess maybe this is a two-person problem.

My I ask why you go by yourself? Also if I can ask a delicate question do you and you wife have levels of intimacy that satisfy you both?

It may be that you are seeking different things, in my experience a partner may well need comfort, security and tenderness in order to become intimate. Visual stimulation simply may not work, and can even have a negative effect if a partner feels she has to compete with what is basically fantasy.

Do you think you could talk to your partner and see waht suggestions she might have, and also of course how she feels about this. Acknowledging what you do is not the same as being comfortable about it.

Please let me know waht you think

Croix

romantic_thi3f · ‎07-10-2019

Hi Jack,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us. I'm glad that you're looking for some advice here and can see that you've already gotten some support already. Just to add - if you look at Mental Health Care Plans from your GP, you can potentially find a bulk billing psychologist so there'll be nothing out of pocket to you. I can go into that more if you like, but there are options.

With that said though, Croix brought up a really good point about asking why you go. I think looking at that is important with any sort of change. In the same way that we might ask a person what runs through their mind when they light up a cigarette, or where the temptations are.

You also mentioned in your post that one of the reasons you want to stop is about money - could that be more of an incentive for you? Maybe as an example on the days you decide not to go to a strip club you could put the money you would have spent into something that's more important to you.

The last thing that I'll add is that change doesn't have to be about going cold-turkey. It's not black or white. Perhaps if you go x amount of nights per week, you can drop it one night, or even go but leave earlier. Making the steps easier is going to give you the best chance possible at keeping it up long term.

Hope there's been some helpful advice in here! It's certainly not a quick and easy answer.

RT

JWMS1985 · ‎09-10-2019

Thanks for your replies Croix and RT. Sorry for the late reply, I wanted to think about how to reply.

My I ask why you go by yourself? Also if I can ask a delicate question do you and you wife have levels of intimacy that satisfy you both?

To be honest, I do not know. I do not know if this is the case but I identify as demisexual and it could be me looking for a connection and may feel I am not getting that romantic connection I had prior; we have both had our work lives change lately. I would like to mention I do not blame them for this lack of connection, we've just both been out of sync for a while.

Do you think you could talk to your partner and see waht suggestions she might have, and also of course how she feels about this. Acknowledging what you do is not the same as being comfortable about it.

Yeah, I have spoken with my partner recently and asked for their take on this and how they feels and again they drove home it was more about why I was going on my own. I have spoken with them about how I am going at the moment and how we're going at the moment; I am not saying we're the perfect couple but we're on good ground (last night we cuddled on the couch like we used to), small steps.

...look at Mental Health Care Plans from your GP...

I am aware of this and have utilised it in the past. I am currently in a line of work that is casual and am looking for something a little more consistent. I will be utilising this as soon as I can.

...you could put the money you would have spent into something that's more important to you.

This is something I discussed. I love video games and I am going to look at having that help me; instead of going out, I play a video game. I also set up a system where I place an amount in out shared account every time I go (the model is $5 for one night of a month, $10 for two, $20 for three, $40 for four, etc.) so that might help.

The last thing that I'll add is that change doesn't have to be about going cold-turkey. It's not black or white... Making the steps easier is going to give you the best chance possible at keeping it up long term.

This is something I need to remember. I used to try to think something either is or is not and this ended up creating plenty of internal frustrations and me not knowing how to manage it. I will take small steps to see how I can go.

I feel better knowing I can talk with people about this. Thank you both again for your take on this, I appreciate you both for taking the time to post.

Croix · ‎10-10-2019

Dear Jack~

I'm glad you turned those things over n your mind, it may not always mean answers but even hte thinking about it can be good.

I realy like RT's suggestions about not having to be cold turkey, makes a lot of sense and take some of the pressure off.

If you are both having taxing times at work then you my be right about demisexual, the affection you had before might be obscured by simple occupation and fatigue.

I can understand your partner being unhappy wiht you going by yourself. It may sound a silly question but have you invited her to go wiht you? Yes some people might find this an insensitive question but trying to make a partnership work as well as possible might mean trying lots of avenues.

I've no idea if the cash arrangement you suggest would be good, I do get the impression your are someone that appreciates fantasy, be it strip clubs or computer games. sometimes a two or multiplayer game can capture two people's imaginations.

I hope we keep on talking

Croix