A tough ride

[Gravyboat]

Hello all.. My names Alex and im 30 years old. This is my first post or attempt to reach out to a mental health community... Ive been suffering from axiety and depression most of my life, ive kicked super big goals in the past with travel, and careers and relatipnships, but only temporary (even if that means a few years). I grew up moving alot, getting abused by my parents, i didnt have alot of people to relate to or spend my time with that wernt toxic. I made it out on my own by 17 and lived with friends, grew my career, went through a few really hard breakups. These relationship came with new friends and people willing to let me into their lives and families. Struggled with mental health and having no one around who understands it for such a long time has made this worse, my friends have always said just pick yourself up and move on to whats next. Ive been able to do that time and time again, but the last few years have spiralled. I no longer care about my career, i cant trust people, i am haunted by my best friend leaving me opposed to offering support. I understand what a normal life is, but it doesnt to me at all. What do you do when you dont have anyone, when your burnt out from the simple act of trying. Work gives me no satisfaction, and the many things that i used to love barely even exist anymore, as are my want for them. I dont seem to recogise the world anymore, i see people walking around happy, families, partners and friends, people supporting each other through their lives. I cant let in anymore, between my family and the people ive loved breaking my heart, along with the stesss of mental health. Its so exhausting, at times its like trying to hold up a sand cliff, its just impossible. Does this go away or is this how my life is, is it worth it? when i dont feel, and its not a short time, its all i know. Literally no one understands how i feel when i talk to them, medications have not made an impacyt, theropy made impovments for a time. All i think about now, is mental health, it saturates my brain, ts far too easy to not want to be here anymore, and its unfair that i cant make the people left in my life understand any of this.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Gravyboat,

You have clearly been through a lot. I feel your hurt, loneliness and perhaps feelings of being lost. I think not knowing who to turn/not having someone to turn to is very painful...

I think you missed out on a lot as a child. Missed out on a lot of love, care and positive role models. Instead, you grew up in an abusive environment, which must have been so traumatic for you...

At the moment, you sound very disconnected. I know you’ve lost interest in a lot of things, but your lonely heart is what stands out to me most..it must be so isolating to haveno one to turn to...

I’m not sure what exactly will help. But I know you said that you’ve tried meds and therapy, which helped but only to a limited extent. I imagine that would feel a little discouraging...

Personally, I found it was/is a combination of things that help my mental health. To a large extent, there’s still a lot of trial and error for me...some things work, others don’t, some things work for a while then stop working, etc.

I agree with you that genuine connections are important. I feel they can be hard to come by...

I’ve had to completely overhaul my current offline social and personal network, because I realised I was getting minimal or no real support from most of the people around me...many of my existing connections were/are even very dysfunctional & toxic.

So what I did (& I’m still doing) was I had to cast my net further. I have been meeting new people...

It wasn’t/isn’t all great. I don’t always connect with everyone, but that’s normal and I’m getting better at recognising certain attributes in people that I want to avoid. In time, I did find some people that I felt a connection with, and I’m now slowly getting to know some of them...

I suppose what I’m suggesting is one aspect of self help (not all of it) is about maybe looking for the “right” people, but that takes time and trial and error. I’m not sure if you need to do what I’ve been doing in the same way. But I suppose what I’m getting at is maybe looking further afield might be helpful if your current support network isn’t quite working...just a gentle suggestion...

I feel for your struggles, and while online support can never truly replace offline support, maybe it can still be cathartic for you to unload and connect here. Absolutely no pressure or rush to write or respond to me though...only if you want to.

Thanks so much for bravely opening up.

Kindness and care,

Pepper