Have you ever felt this way?

[the_motorcycle_boy]

"Well, oh well I feel I'm in decay"

The first line of a popular Midnight Oil song and I think a description most apt, for some people experiencing depression.

Have you ever felt this way?

One of the biggest dilemmas I've faced in "depressive-illness land" is the one of being alone and having no viable means of changing that fact...let me explain...

My depression causes me to be apart. I feel different from others. I find it very hard to mix with people who are "alive and well". So, I remain alone bundled up in a safe but miserable cocoon.

Have you ever felt this way?

I know what I need. I can feel the loneliness, an ache inside. In my mind's eye I see a ghostly parade of familiar faces, old friends, all gone now. Still, I need people, people to talk to, to communicate with, maybe God permit, a laugh!

Have you ever felt this way?

But I can't escape what I'm in, so I must wait for it to pass...weeks...months...years.

I'm reminded of a quote by Charles Bukowski regarding his drinking/literary lifestyle. I think it fits depression too.

"And as my hands drop a last desperate pen, in some cheap room, they will find me there and never know my name, my meaning nor the treasure of my escape".

[HA1]

Hi motorcycle_boy

A great post, albeit somewhat sad.  And the short answer is a resounding 'yes' to each question.  But 'acceptance' has made it a lot easier to deal with, and allowed me to plan for a lifestyle change that might just do the trick. 

Love the quote by Charles Bukowski!!  🙂

Take care

K

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Greetings K!   (Sorry for the long delay between posts).

Thanks a lot for your supportive and slightly cryptic reply. I was glad you could identify with the questions I posed and with the Charles Bukowski quote. I admit the post was a bit sad. It just sorta fell out.

 I take it that  When you say "acceptance" you are referring to accepting your illness. Because I'm a bit of a perfectionist, I struggle to accept mine. I'm continually striving to be better, to be illness free but it's a long, winding, uphill battle.

Feel free to enlighten me to your lifestyle change if it suits. 

All the Best from TMB

P.S. Here's another quote from Charles Bukowski

"Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must live".

[Mz13114]

Hi the_motorcycle_boy,

I got a lot out of your post.

I hope you are going OK. Love a good quote that makes sense to me. Depression is still shunned in so many workplaces. That's my experience and I'm learning a lot on these forums.

My mum blamed my obsession with Dostoevsky and Kafka when I was young. Why do we have to blame something. My husband has had much worse depression and he sounds like you, putting in so much effort to help himself, and is such a great person.

We talk so much about this illness and yet I can see the shame both of us feel. So much has happened and I just hope I can support people who are having such a struggle and hopefully see Australia become less patchwork about mental health.

Here's a quote I love. (Not as literary as Bukowski)

Some of us are out to win, some of us are out just to aim.

(Terry Reid).

Mz13114

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

I found your post to be insightful and one in which I can relate to. I must be the odd one out here as I did not find it sad. The safety cocoon becomes the friend in lonely times, it is constant and reliable. I understand the need to still talk to people - sad is when I find myself talking to check out staff just to have a physical conversation. The laughter still is there from time to time.I did enjoy the intellectual quotes, but I find when I need to feel a lighter moment in my crazy world I lean towards the wit of Monty Python. I know - each to their own 🙈🙉🙊

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hi Mz13114,

Thanks a lot for your great reply. I'm really glad you liked my post. It just sort of fell out one day. I hope you and your family are going good.too. If you like a good quote, and haven't seen it already, check out the one by nyandaj on loneliness by Jung in the inspirational quote thread. It's awesome.

Yes, depression is tough, tough for others to accept and tough to handle, your husband sounds a brave man. And you are too, looking to help people. You can get a lot of help here at the forums.

I think we blame things because we learn to as kids from others. I don't like to blame because you're saying people should be different than they are. It's better for me not to.

I've read a little Dostoevesky and Kafka, I liked Kerouac, Irving and most of all Hesse but don't read much these days.

What an interesting quote by Reid! I really like it , it's so different. Here's one from another Reed..."Between thought and expression lies a lifetime".

All the Best

TMB

[the_motorcycle_boy]

Hi Indra,

You have a lot of deep insight too and a wonderful way of expressing it. I could identify with talking to the checkout staff as well. Today , I was walking down a main street when a man sitting down yelled out to me. I turned to acknowledge him then continued to walk while he kept yelling out. I kept replying "Yeah Mate", "Righto mate" etc etc. The really funny thing was that I started to feel good like I was actually talking to someone. crazy. Thanks for your very understanding post. I love "The Life Of Brian" it is just sublimely clever!

[HA1]

Hi TMB

a massive apology to you - I missed your reply from a few weeks back.  

Regarding my cryptic reply, I guess you mean the bit about acceptance. Well by that I mean that after many many years living with undiagnosed mental health issues, I now understand better who I am.  In the past I existed wondering about why I was the way I was; worrying, over-thinking, sad, obsessed with one thing or another, etc, etc. Now I have been on journey of discovery, learning to be true to myself.  I am who I am.  I am trying to let go of the past, and living the life that I think I would like to live. (Hmmm, does this make any sense at all?)  The lifestyle change is part of this.

To summarise, I now understand my illness, I know what the triggers are, and I endeavour to manage them.  I don't mean through avoidance type behaviour, but through acceptance and managing them through a lifestyle change that allows me to readily counter any possible triggers and bad thoughts.  Of course, I still have many bad days, but it is becoming easier to deal with it.  

Argh, what a ramble - but I will try and clarify in subsequent posts about progress with my lifestyle change.

k

[Indra]

Hey TMB,

Nothing crazy in responding to someone random - sometimes you need to hear your voice. If it made you feel good, even for a moment that's a positive and any positive is a good one! For me Holy Grail would be my favourite and lines from the film pop into my head at obscure times - "this could be all yours" - "What - the curtains?". Any who - had a better day today and hope you did too. Keep writing - Cheers Indra 

[Mz13114]

Hi TMB,

Thanks for your reply. Quotes from amazing people mean so much more to me now. It's like I am a different person reading them. I still love reading, though my eyes don't sometimes. Is that Herman Hesse, you speak of. I'll look it up.

I am just beginning to erase the way I blame myself for being how I am. I am responsible for what I do about it and I am just getting the hang of knowing when I am wallowing in my own muck for too long.

Thanks for your reply.

Cheers.

Mz