Working hard not to be anxious and sad, but...

Felicity · ‎09-10-2015

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here. It sometimes feels quite lonely struggling with anxiety and sadness even though i do have a small group of people, including my partner, who know about what i am going through. But I think it's a great idea to chat about it with others who know what it's like from the inside

I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping for a while now and am crying a lot, feeling conflicted and overly concerned about so many things. There's a lot of reasons or triggers I guess - my life is changing ( resigning a job ), going through a 10 month period of travel/ art residencies, and hormonal changes (I am a 55 year old woman). So much of what is going on in my life is good in objective terms but its tough not to have thecomfort zone of a stable home and I am relating to new people and situations a lot, and trying to manage myself in this new phase of life. Its easy to feel a bit useless and rudderless, or to be overwhelmed by possible ways to manage ones time/ goals.

I have some good strategies in place - daily mindfulness, and walking, limited caffeine and alcohol use, pretty good diet. I use a tranquillising medication only when I feel i just cant stand to have another bad night's sleep or to go on as I am when I'm feeling just too worried and obsessed about everything or crying all the time ( like lately) . But i am starting to wonder if it wouldnt be a good idea to be taking medication more regularly. I used to take antidepressant drugs - for 6 years - and they really did help with sleep and a generally damping down of extreme emotion but i didnt like their side effects on my digestive system and libido and the fact that i felt a bit numb. Getting off them was such hell for me however and that i decided i never want to take them again. In the past Ive done some CBT and it helped a lot, and try to do some of that by myself Sometimes.

Lately i am feeling discouraged - i work so hard at dealing with this thing but it just feels like pushing shit uphill . And i dont want to have to think about it all the time. Also I am never sure how seriously i should take my desire to just withdraw socially for a while till i get through the bad patches, or whether thats the 'wimp's course' . And do you explain to people that you're not well or that youre anxious and a bit depressed?

Anyone else feel this way, or have some ideas on how to keep oneself encouraged when it all feels so hard?

kaylen · ‎09-10-2015

Hi Lizhi,

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I do understand having had anxiety and depression since childhood myself.

Like you I use mindfulness and avoid caffeine and alcohol to help me get through. I have seen countless psychologists but I'm still looking for the one which really makes a difference.

I have been on anti depressant's for 10 years and don't intend to stop. Maybe you just need to find the right one to avoid all those side effects you mentioned. I also take tranquilizers as well. For the most part I am able to lead a normal life, have a good job and pay the mortgage.

I have learnt not to disclose my anxiety/depression especially at work as it has caused discrimination in the past.

Dealing with this illness feels like a full time job in itself! I try not to be discouraged and just remember that things usually do improve and that what I'm feeling won't last forever.

Kaylen

Felicity · ‎12-10-2015

Thanks Kaylen,

It was good to read your thoughts. I feel less alone. Maybe there is a better medication out there - i read on the Beyondblue site that theres a tranquilising drug thats an antihistamine and maybe i'll try that down the track. For. Now i guess i'll stick to the on and off tranquiliser approach and keep trying to do things that help, and to not alienate everyone around me with my moodiness. Meanwhile i'll work on trying to accept that im just going thru a rough patch, and youre right - it will pass, it always does, just got to keep putting one foot in front of the other and not be hard on myself

i agree that it feels like a ful time job! Good luck with your self-care. You sound like youve got your feet on the ground and a realistic attitude. Thanks!

Mindful_bubbles · ‎12-10-2015

Hi Felicity. Changes and routine shake ups can be so hard. You're definately not alone! Agree with above about a different medication. I hear adult colouring books are the new mindfulness tool. I haven't outed my anxiety at work. Just my best friends and hubby. I started to unravel myself after a job change and birth of my two kids. I take my daily smile pill and can't see that changing anytime soon. I used to feel like I'd failed needing medication, but honestly, it just helps me function. I hope you're doing well today

HelenM · ‎14-10-2015

Hi Felicity,

Isee you are 55 like me. I've had depression for 14 years since age 41. When I was 47 I had an increase of meds that finally put a stop to roller coaster. For over 3 years I didn't have any depressive episodes. Then one morning I woke up depressed. That was six years ago. I did get one year free but other than that I've been on a roller coaster. Last year the depression came as anxiety. I often wonder if the menopause started my illness off again. Without meds I would really struggle though I get very few side effects.

InJuly a friend took his life and I've been very up and down since. At the moment it 's dominating my life.

Wishing you well

Helen

Felicity · ‎14-10-2015

Hi Mindful Bubbles,

yeah, i dont generally tell people unless i really trust them about my anxiety, but i watched Qand A on the ABC the other night...on depression and really good ...and i noticed that some people were open about it. Its a legitimate illness, its disabling, why should we have to hide it? But i will keep doing so, mainly, for now 😉 . I think i'm doing a bit better today...still anxious, crying a bit, getting into this thing where i procrastinate forever...but i eventually went for my daily walk and feel so much better for it. Plus i took some medication. Thanks for your care.

Hey, knitting is a good mindfulness tool too. And do you know the thing where you stop yourself and note 5 visual things, 5 sounds and then 5 feelings eg the feeling of your clothes against your skin

Felicity · ‎14-10-2015

HiHelenM,

thanks for your thoughts. I think menopause is definitely a factor- not justthe hormonal business causing sleep problems, mood things but also going through a change in life stage. They say it leads to greater wisdom though!

I feel for you going thru grieving over your friends suicide. It will get better with time (6 months is often mentioned as a time for going thru the worst of it) but it seems grieving is a rocky process and different for everyone.

HelenM · ‎14-10-2015

Thanks for your reply.

MyMum says that life is much easier as you get older. Here 's hoping.