What to do from here

[Artax]

Hello I am new too foums I have posted in the chronic illness section. I am feeling really lost. I have been to gp and phycollogist ect but I do not seem to be finding answers.

I am a bit icd whuch is set off by my anxiety whuch is triggered by memmory loss. I have panic attacks then spiral into free falls which leave me feeling like there is no end. I have reached out at these times for help through doctors and call lines. I get to a stage a feel like I can not go on and would like to be put in hospital but they say no I do not need to be. And even if I was I still have the world waiting for my return bills and more.

I get up every morning to the same thing same routine same pressures. I am on my own and do not see my grown up children very often only when something is needed I suppose. So I am alone with this feeling of dread.

I wish there where more available options for people like me somewhere to take time out and ride the storm but there seems to be little help. It has bought me a new understanding as to why people break why so many end up in prison and on the streets. Take care everyone and thank you for this forum to give a voice ro what I am feeling.

thanks Artax

[Paul]

Hey Artax,

I'm glad I read your post, I feel there is so much potential for you and at the same time I understand you are in pain and nothing seems like it will change how you feel. I can relate to that feeling.

I wonder if you would mind a few questions?

If you could change one thing about your life quite easily, what would it be?

Last question; do you have any hobbies or anything you would love to do if you had the energy and motivation?

Paul

[Artax]

Hello Paul

I would have moved to country area when I was young.

I do keep busy always have been a workaholic or volunteer when I could not work. I raised 2 boys on my own they had everything they could want. I have 15 horses at home I only own 3 the others belong to the lady who owns the place and some to another lady I am helping out until she finds somewhere for them. So I am always busy as they are all hard fed and rugged ect not just paddock ponies. I also work fulltime with a good bunch that help keep me busy and know I am alittle weird lol

Its when I am not busy I struggle. I live alone and have one of the ladies with the horses comes a stays a night or 2 during the weekend.

Sounds so intense but if I stop I plunge into a hole.

Thank you for yor reply Paul

Artax

[Artax]

Hello Paul

sorry I did reply but may have done something wrong.

Something I would change would be move to the country when I was young.

I do have hobbies I have 15 horses home.3 are mine and the others belong to the lady I rent from and another lady who needs a place to keep hers. These are not paddock ponies all are hard fed rugged and yarded of a night. I work them and look after them.

I have always been a workaholic if not in a job I volunteer doing something. I work fulltime with a great bunch that know a little of what I am going through and when I have my moments make a joke out of it even when all this hit home and I lost the plot I kept going to work and they kept pulling me out of my anxiety attacks so I did not go full panic attack at work. Great people. They only know what I tell them and that ok. I a terrified of taking any large time off as the last time I had a week holiday is when I really lost the plot lol

I live on my own as my boys are grown I raised them on my own and they had every experience I could give them from music lessons to boating and cadets to private schools and they have seen heaps of australia. I hardly see them now I talk with them occasionally but they are always busy with their own lives which is good as I raised them to be independent.

The lady I rent off stays 1 or 2 nights a weekend to see her horses ect I work every second weekend.

Sounds intense but its when I stop for to long I spiral worring about things I can not remeber and feel alone and lost. I have a genetic auto immune disorder which is rare and I blame alot to it. I have only recently realized I have not been to a shopping centre other then th local woolies ect in years and I have not been out for dinner ect for years I never see freinds I had years ago ect I lucky my father lives near alarge shoppibg centre and he buys my clothes ect as I need as he goes over every day. But he is not a person I can talk to as he is mentally abusive as in everyone is wrong and idiots can not do anything right and is moody but his way of showing he cares is doing little things like going to shops for me. I see him regularly to make sure he is ok.

thank you

Artax

[Paul]

Hi again Artax,

Thanks for your reply. It sounds like you are doing the things that you love doing with living on some land and looking after the horses.

When you are alone, what sort of things spiral around in your mind? I know you said you feel alone and lost, what else puts your mind into overdrive?

Your dad sounds like an interesting fellow, it's good that he is there to help out with getting things from the shopping centre.

Is there someone at work who you are closer to than the others?

Take care

Paul

[Starwolf]

Hi Artax and welcome to these forums.

Reaching out, sharing/venting your feelings is the way to go. Physical and mental illness makes us feel socially isolated. I agree with you... doing it tough isn't easy, going it alone is even worse.

Have you thought of making slow, gradual changes to your routine ? Keeping busy with work is a good way to focus the mind but it often leaves our other needs unfulfilled. We sometimes wall ourselves in a small, private world and end up prisoners of it. Habit makes us feel safe but it is limiting. Then of course we feel something is missing out of our life. Perhaps a short, overdue stroll around the shopping center, going out for tea/coffee if dinner alone is too daunting...Anything that could stretch the boundaries without creating distress could be beneficial. Taking it slow, one small step at a time is the secret to success.

Meanwhile, navigating these forums will let you know that you are far from alone. There's great company to be had here at BB, tips and ideas to be exchanged, tears and laughter to be shared.

Great to have you on board.

[Artax]

Hello Paul and Starwolf

Thank you for the welcome. I fixate on things that I am not sure of which is a lot lol get so caught up I try to chase things up from years ago many without success ir I pull the place appart looking for sonething I know I had years ago and freak out if I cannot find it and not alwys anything of importance silly stuff.

with everything I do I seem to make notime for havung freinds as they bring up stuff I cannot remember and then I start my fall again. I get to the point of the mental pain is unbearable and I think I cannot take anymore.

People see me and would not know how I feel as I hide it well at work ect I get confused in big shops abd am uncomfortable around lots people so I do not go out I have a little dog who is my best mate I take everywhere with me Dad babysits him while I am at work so he is always with me in the car when I am out most times. When he passes I will be lost for sure I feel.

I am enjoying reading posts and realising I am not the only one who does things like driving back and checking I was doing the right speed or worring when I leave the house I turned of everything ect

thank you

Artax