What future?

[Bibbetyboo]

Long story short I didnt do well in school at all. I just wasn’t very good at anything. I could write stories but they were hardly readable due to dyslexia that remained undiagnosed. That also affected my ability to tie my shoes, read a clock and tell the difference between left and right as well as limited me to a grade 3 education in Mathematics. Don’t ask me how i got to year 11.
I had a mental breakdown due to some seriously bad nightmares that went on for a few years in year 12 and dropped out.
I was withdrawn and terribly depressed, my family made fun of me.
Fast forward I’m now 36 and have never improved.
I’m smarter but i am a recluse. I had a addiction issues with alcohol through my 20’s and due to bad anxiety didnt hold down a job.
My family have all but disowned me but were never very loving anyway its where the bulk of my pain comes from.
Now i have left another abusive relationship but this time I have a son.
He’s 10 months and doing very well but i am the shell of a person. I was homeless and pregnant and have only just managed to claw up a roof over our heads. His father is on an IVO and contributes nothing.
I’m saving for a car finally but never learned to drive after many attempts.
I dont know who I am. I have no super, no house or assets I’m nearly 40 and have no idea how to get work without family to help take care of my little boy.
I have no idea what I am going to do now that i care about someone else. If it were just me I wouldn’t even care but I look at how other family’s at least have pets or siblings or a future and i cant even provide that for him.
I love him so much it hurts. I wish i wasn’t such a loser, he deserves better and it’s breaking me into pieces. I am so tired i hardly laugh or smile I’m always sad or angry. I just feel like i wasn’t meant to be for anything and don’t fit anywhere.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Bibbetyboo,

We're so sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult situation. We recognise how much you have been through and we want to commend the amount of strength you have shown. We are sorry to hear that you feel like you don't fit anywhere. We think you are so brave reaching out and sharing your feelings here on the forums. We're sure that a lot of our community members will relate to these feelings and hopefully some of them will pop by to offer you words of wisdom and kindness.

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.
 

[TheWookie]

Believe in yourself. Also congrats on your baby.

You have come far. You can go further. Don’t look at others and compare yourself to them and what they have. It is hard not to, I understand that, but try not to. You have a little fella to be the best version of yourself for. Everything else is moot. No matter what age you are, there is always time for self improvement. You have strength in you, obviously, or you would not have made it this far.

[geoff]

Hello Bibbetyboo, thanks for posting your comment and please as TheWookie has said, you can't compare yourself to anybody else, simply because we all have different lives, independent situations and opposing circumstances, so person A can't be like person N, they don't just match, OK there may be similarities between you but certainly not the same.

Can I suggest going to Anglicare, they were a terrific help to me when I was struggling, they provide counselling, legal aid and can provide a house/flat until you finally are able to start your life with some confidence.

Can I ask, and only answer if that's what you want to do, but after I do, we really want you to get back to us, I was just wondering whether alcohol is still an issue with you, and I know of what condition you are suffering from and we don't want you to be afraid, because each one of us has been through our own type of depression and situation has not been easy to cope with, so we understand what's happening with you.

Take care.

Geoff.

[tranzcrybe]

As your son gets older you will find yourself swept along with the momentum as he enters preschool, social support from other parents, financial assistance and other support mechanisms as a sole parent. You will also learn a lot along the way, so although you feel lost right now, the child will come into his own identity with the love and support from his devoted mother.

It's not "just you" and your journey has taken on a whole new meaning which can only enhance your life and sense of purpose. You will also learn a lot about yourself which may lead you into more fulfilling relationships in the future as you rise to the challenges before you. Being there to assist others will see the favour returned (sharing the care duties, for instance), lasting friendships can develop through shared interest/need. You will also have more freedom (for employment) once he begins school and thus be able to provide for his needs as well as your own.

Saving for a car also shows you are motivated to take charge, and it is natural to be concerned for future obligations. Nevertheless, you are more capable than you believe.

[Bibbetyboo]

Hi Geoff and thanks for your response, I apologise i didn’t reply i have been so busy and tired.

I no longer drink I don’t have time for it and every cent of my income goes towards my son bills and saving for a car. I have no addictions, I don’t even buy junk food.
I am not the person I was since I was pregnant, escaped family violence, homeless throughout birthing in a pandemic ect. This whole experience (which has gone on for nearly two years) of homelessness and matriescense, has completely erased who I was.
I have ready reached out to every viable resource including Lifeline, orange door, PANDA Anglicare all playgroups you name it but at the end of the day I am still left with the panting fear that I am never going to be able to provide for my son.
I don’t compare myself to others, I noticed that is a theme here what I am doing though is looking to the future and wondering how since I was in a hole so to speak before i got pregnant i am not going to get myself and my son out of it logically since i have nobody else helping me or that will take him even for an hour.
I have a financial planner now and since the last post have got a lot of ducks in a row and many people seem very keen to attack that and put me down again but I’m not letting that happen again.
My ex partner wouldn’t let me terminate the pregnancy. He admitted he aimed to get me pregnant so that I would be too afraid to leave, he picked the wrong woman.

I am building a very good future for my son and one day i will write about it all to help others in this very real situation so that we can all get out of the Hollywood hills fantasy that is shoved down our throats every single day.
I am determined to put to bed the opinions of my parents (poor people raise bad children) that have disabled me in so many ways rather than comparing myself, i have been compared all my life and I am finally removing that from my programming to set a better example for my son than what I had.
Thank you again for your response.

[Bibbetyboo]

I dont have any diagnosed condition except for complex migraine.
I would say that anxiety had been a huge problem most of my life and caused a habit of avoidance, alcohol was a bi-product of it however i dont believe i was an addict. I overcame that fortunately when i found out i was pregnant.

I have had to do a lot of self exploration to find out what had hurt me so badly and there were many things related to childhood that there are not enough words.
My mother played a big role in disabling my attempts at life. Pushing my parents away and starting again was next to quitting alcohol the best thing i have done for both me and my boy.
It turns out after 2 years of hard core self reflection i have just let too many people with really bad intentions in rule my life and having my son has changed me from a victim to someone with guns that really doesnt take that anymore.
This is what has made the most difference besides realising that i am extremely resourceful.

[Bibbetyboo]

That was an amazing response thank you very much for taking that time.

I realise since i posted a lot of what you are saying and with that in mind every day i have overcome so much of what i wrote here with practical and resourceful solutions looking ahead.
Just paving my own way.
My son is my new heart, i don’t remember much about the old one I hardly know if it was beating but in fear especially that i wasn’t smart enough to count back change.
his development is fast and mine isn’t too far behind.

Thank you again.

[geoff]

Hello Bibbetyboo, thank you for getting back to us, this shows you that you're truly capable of living a normal life, and as your son develops in age, then this will benefit you in many ways, I'm proud of you and please keep in touch with us.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi Bibbetyboo

You are truly astounding, incredibly amazing and downright extraordinary. Definitely hard to fit into certain categories when you're this kind of person. I can't help but wonder whether you're bypassing a lot of the help many people seek because you're raising yourself. Because you've raised yourself out of family abuse, you've bypassed support resources for kids. Because you've raised yourself out of domestic abuse from your partner, you've bypassed places like White Ribbon. Because you've raised yourself beyond what would destroy most people, you've bypassed certain mental health services. The list goes on. You are definitely a truly amazing person who has raised themself so incredibly to the point where it's kind of like you're beyond the kind of help a lot of services offer. I actually feel pretty triggered for you. Where the heck are the resources that help and guide those who have moved beyond but want to keep moving. There's definitely a need for such services in Australia. I can't help but wonder whether accessing certain services most would have used would land you in a kind of pool of resources that can take you where you need to go. I'd like to imagine Services Australia would be responsive if you were to explain 'I've managed to lead myself our of a life of domestic violence but I have no resources when it comes to where I need to go from here. I need help and support.' Anyone who says 'Sorry, we can't help' is questionable. Question them, 'Who can? I'm desperate. I need help. I need you to think, to wonder, who can help me'. Sometimes it just doesn't seem right that our future depends on who is on the other end of the phone, the person with a closed mind or the one with an open mind who will think outside the square for us.

You've obviously raised yourself to the point of pure exhaustion. It's far less exhausting when there are a lot of resources, services, people raising you. They take some of the load off, especially when it comes to the kind of mental energy required to make a difference in a person's life.

Being a mum myself, I feel the need to ask how a child could find better than a mum who has worked so hard to reform her life. How could they find better than a mum who is devoted to them, to the point where it hurts. How could they find better than a mum who would never let them go through what she has, a mum who is determined to raise them, not bring them down. I believe, your child could find no better mum than you.

🙂