What a year... How to keep up

[Zazu]

So this year so far, in order, I've changed jobs from self employed to full time employment, moved house, pulled out of uni as it was too much, gotten pregnant (am still), and 2 weeks ago lost my grandfather who I was quite close to, then last week find out my Mum has bowel cancer and has to have surgery in 2 weeks and prognosis isn't looking good.

A couple of things I could do with advice on:
1. Nothing I say or do for mum is making things better and I don't know what to do. I live 2 hours from her, and have organised with work to adjust my hours so I can be up there with her 3-4 days a week, limited by my own need for doctors appointments for pregnancy and work commitments. My idea was that I can help out with stuff around the house, shopping, cooking meals for the week etc. I tend to 'solve' and be quite practical and have no idea what to actually say to her. She said today that I'm not taking it seriously enough and don't realise she'll be dead soon. She is sure she will not make it through the operation and will only plan for her passing, not plan anything for the scenario of her living.. i.e. how can we make sure she has meals, who can check on her when I'm not there. She will only focus on who gets what and making sure I don't throw out anything of hers that is expensive. How do I handle this? Any ideas? What does she need from me and how do I balance that with what has to be done?

2. How do I keep my own head above water? I'm hormonal, grieving for pop, stressed for Mum, barely getting my job done, strapped for cash and already today felt that lovely breathlessness and heart pumping of my old friend anxiety, where I even had to end a work phone call quickly before I couldn't talk. I know I can't look after others if I fall apart, so how do I summon the strength to get through this and be there for mum?

[Here_I_am]

Hello Zazu,

I want to acknowledge that the experiences you have described above are significantly stressful - it is no wonder things are coming to a head and that it's becoming a concern!

I don't want to appear like some keyboard counsellor that dishes out pragmatic solutions, but there are a couple of things that initially stand out for me that may be of value.

1) What does mum need from YOU? There are many agencies and community supports that you might be eligible for assistance from that could help with the physical stuff like cleaning and shopping and welfare checks on mum. Does mum need a housekeeper in her daughter, or does she need her daughter to sit and listen?

Do you feel comfortable in checking out your state's Carers Australia service (1800 242 636 - Australia wide service), who can assist with suggestions of services and referrals that can get on board with some of the running around stuff? This could free you up a little to actually recover from some of the stress you are experiencing... maybe even start processing some of the thoughts and feelings you're having that have been building up.

You say you tend to 'solve' things. So, can you turn that skill introspectively? Sometimes our need to 'do' for others is due to avoidance of something more than a need to do anything. You CAN solve things; you've been doing it for mum. Can you use your powers for good on yourself, no matter how painful that process might be?

Counselling/Meditation/Self Care. What are you doing in these areas? If your answer is 'nothing; I don't have time', what is the reasonable outcome of the next couple of months likely to be for you? These are valuable things for our ability to keep going; we do ourselves a lot of favors when we MAKE time for self care. Even within the workplace, simply letting colleagues know what's going on may assist with some respite from some of the more stressful aspects of your role. "Hey guys, going through this at the moment... do you mind if I just focus on the stats and spreadsheets for a few days and stay out of the way of people?" This may or may not be an option, but it's worth considering.

Hope some of this is of value. You've of course done one of the most helpful things for yourself by reaching out and speaking up. 🙂

[White_Rose]

Hello Zazu

Thank you for telling us your story. Any one of these events is enough to be seriously stressful. Please accept my condolences on the loss of your grandfather. It is always hard when someone we love passes away no matter that is half expected because of age.

You have not mentioned your father being with mom. I wonder if he is still in the picture.

Your mom sounds as though she is expecting to die soon from this bowel cancer and cannot focus on anything except her forthcoming death and the need to put her affairs in order. I also suspect she is afraid. It's not an easy thing the face the prospect of dying soon as I have found out. I think she needs some reassurance about the future and/or death. Here I Am has made some great points, one of which is to simply sit and listen to your mom.

You cannot fix everything in someone's life, especially serious illness. Are you afraid of losing mom? Often people fly around doing 'things' to stop themselves thinking about the possible future. So in a way you and mom are doing the same thing. You want to make sure her home is clean, she is eating OK and taking any necessary medication. Mom wants to make sure her precious possessions go to the people she loves. I know it sounds a bit trivial in many ways when set against her forthcoming surgery but this is how our minds work. Concentrate on smaller, more easily considered matters to avoid thinking about the elephant in the room.

To your mom the only subjects she is interested in are her surgery and death. I think you will not be able to move her from these prior to the surgery. Since this will be taking place soon, why not leave all the practical matters until the surgery has been completed. I am sure she will be kept in hospital for a while, especially if the surgery is as serious as it sounds. Once mom is recuperating will be time enough to put matters of care in order.

If you want to do something practical contact My Aged Care, https://www.myagedcare.gov.au/ to find out how they can assist her after leaving hospital. This is the federal body that takes over from NDIS after a person reaches 65. They can arrange all sorts of services, including nursing for when mom leaves hospital. Chatting to these people will help you feel you are planning for her future in a practical manner and at the same time being able to spend time with mom. This will give mom far more comfort than knowing the house is tidy.

Please look after yourself.

Mary