Well here goes nothing.

[Bones90]

Hello,

Right now I'm sitting on my bed trying to figure out where to start. 

I've always known even from a young age I was different. I've always craved some sort of acceptance. I remember in primary school, I used to do and say things so that other kids could show me some sort of acceptance or what I believed to be acceptance by my own standards.

I would never put myself first. I would analyse every single action or comment other kids would say and think about them 1000 times over. It's not easy being someone you're not everyday, than getting home and having all these thoughts running through your head, while acting like everything is fine because you don't want to put a burden on your family.

Even in high school I remember doing the same exact thing, although this time I was being bullied even though I used to act like everything was fine at school. I still remember being called "Losty" or be made fun of all the time, and it hurt but I didn't want to show weakness so I never did anything about it. I used to act like I was fine then I would get home and lock myself in my bedroom.

I feel like I'm stuck and I've been the same way my whole life. I always try to think about the future and say to myself "Hey, everything is going to get better" But its not I still do the same thing today. I'm too scared to be myself and feel like I'm never going to change. Im grateful to have friends but I feel like me being around them is just bringing them down. I can't speak to my mother because I don't want her to worry about me, she has five other kids to worry about. I don't speak to my dad, he tries but we don't have a connection, and it's sad but he wasn't really around when we were young, always working and trying to provide us with a better life so we never really got to build a relationship.

I've been to a psychiatrist and he has diagnosed me with social anxiety disorder and while I understand the concepts behind this disorder It's still so hard to get over. I sometimes look at my friends and ask myself why can't I be like them? Why am I trapped? I've never been in a relationship and feel like I'll never be in one. Who would want someone who can't even be himself? I feel like I'm ugly and hate my reflection in the mirror. You know I have suicidal thoughts but It's too hard to do, because I know how hard it will be for my family and friends so I'll never go through with it. I just honestly can't see myself in the future. I struggle with life everyday.

Thank-You

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[TheSteve]

Hi Bones,

Thanks for sharing your story. Although it may seem like we are the only ones that may experience these feelings of isolation, anxiety, sadness, and hopelessness for the future, it is much more common than you know. Although others, our friends, etc. may "seem" normal to us, we don't know what they are really experiencing at any point in time. Nor do they know what you are experiencing. We can only really "know" what is happening from our own perspective. Understand this - you are not alone.

Our early life experiences are what shape us as adolescents and also as adults. The habits of thought, feeling, behaviour etc. that we pickup at an early age are often carried through our lives, and they manifest in different ways at different times. If we don't give conscious attention to these thoughts and feelings, they will simply gather a momentum and life all of their own, and they will shape us. We can, however, take back the power to shape the way we think and feel, by getting the right help and using a mindful approach to all things we do.

Please continue to see your psychiatrist, or, find a good psychologist or behavioural therapist to help get you on track. Just like these feelings you experience are "learned" (ie: you were not born with them), you can also "unlearn" these and "relearn" healthier habits and ways of being.

Each time that scared voice in your head says that you can't do something or you can't be something, just pay attention to that voice. Don't judge it, just listen to it. Now, how can that voice be "you" if "you" are the one listening to it? See that there is a silent, peaceful, quiet being at your center, one who does not judge and feels no fear. And there is also the waves of thought and feeling that constantly rush over that quiet being. These are your "habit" energies, and the moment you understand that they are not "you" is the moment you can start to liberate yourself from layer upon layer of habit energy that has calcified in you over time.

Google the term "mindfulness" online and start here. I wish you all the best.

Steve

[Bones90]

Hey Steve,

Thank-you for taking the time out of your day and giving me some advice! I'm really grateful. 

[Bluegirl2014]

Hi Bones, you truely are not alone. I'm glad you have taken some steps towards getting help.  I too have difficulties with friends and others socially,sometimes those worries mean that I miss some social occasions, but the important thing is not to beat yourself up about the times when don't make it, or the times when you are with others but are so anxious you feel they can see right through you. they wouldn't be around you if you didn't have something special to offer. Bones you sound like a great, kind caring person. please take care of yourself and continue to seek help. 

[TheSteve]

Come back and chat anytime Bones, we are here for you. Whatever you need.

Steve

[Bones90]

Hello Bluegirl2014,

I just wanted to thank-you for your kind words and hope you have a wonderful future ahead, with the proper support and help, I'm sure not only me but you can start feeling better too! I am trying to keep positive and while it can be hard like Steve said you have to fight with those insecurities. 

Kind Regards

PS: I would like to apologise for the late response, I have been keeping myself busy with uni and work.

[sarahl]

Hi Bones!

Welcome to our community and thanks for sharing your story - I want you to know its my story too!!

I'm 31 years old now, I'm not sure how old you are, but I promise with a little bit of help, things can be wonderful. I didn't have my first relationship until I was 27 because I so scared that I'd be left worse that I was before - I spent so much of my 20s hiding at home for the same reasons you do.

When I was in high school, and the social anxiety really kicked in, my school counsellor asked me to write a list of all the things I'd been invited to that I hadn't gone to because I was afraid, and I realised I was missing out on so much for a reason that was pretty much all in my head. With the help of my counsellor and a little bit of courage, I would set myself small challenges. I'd go to a birthday party for one hour. And if I made it through the hour, it was okay to leave because i'd done it. But if I was having fun, I could always stay. My mantra was 'I don't have to do anything I don't want to do - and I can change my mind at any time.'

University was equally as scary - new people! But you will find everyone is a bit anxious in a new situation. You therapist will be able to help you with Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and Mindfulness, which I have found very helpful too - ensuring you are not worrying about the 'what ifs' is a great place to start.

You will find that some people simply won't understand what you are going though, but most people are wonderfully supportive and encouraging, and more than happy to head home if you are not feeling right, or help you take a few deep breaths.

Do you use social media? I found wonderful communities of people on Twitter with social anxiety, who feel they can speak openly and freely express themselves from the safety of their computer. This is not a quick fix, but rather a place where you can meet likeminded people and potentially connect with the in real life for a coffee or a drink, and meet some new people. (Just remember the common sense stuff about meeting people on the internet!) 🙂

It can be a really tough time, but take each day - or each hour - as it comes and always remember that you are not alone. My parents don't really understand me (and I have a brother with depression so I understand the other kids to worry about bit) but this group is always a great place for friends and advice.

Best of luck Bones!

Sarah L.