Hi Kyle
Whether an altered state of consciousness is induced by drugs, some naturally mind altering experience (trauma included), the way our brain chemistry works, the belief systems we've been raised with or something else, the things we're led to become fully conscious of are what tend to dictate our perception. This is what I've discovered from my own experience, based on my 55 years on this earth. Consciousness shifts depending on experience and state of mind.
I've found states of consciousness or awareness can be dictated by inner dialogue at times too. 'Everyone's staring at you'. Where the heck does that one come from? 'You're absolutely hopeless and a waste of space'. What about that one? How about 'It's time you reach out for help, you need a solid guide'. Some paranoid aspect of us? Our inner critic? The sage in us? While we can tap into the paranoid part of ourself or it can be triggered to life without us consciously channeling it, being able to get a better handle on self understanding can mean coming to know certain aspects of ourself much better while also mastering such aspects. Yep, far easier said than done at times. It sounds like your constructively wondering about something along these lines, trying to pinpoint certain influences such as from when you were a teen. Fair to wonder about whether there was a part of you that dictated to you how tough and cool you needed to be.
It sounds like you're opening your mind to a number of things. Personally, I've learned that an open mind needs to be managed. Finding someone to help us explore our open mind and wonder with us can be key at times. Whether that person is a professional detective (psychologist) looking for clues, a friend or family member, people on the forums here or someone else, I find having someone who can help fast track me toward answers or revelations can cut out a lot of time when it comes to wondering. Regarding an open mind, it's also important to manage knowing how to close it. For example, if drugs open it to the idea that 'I'm a character in this world, that everyone's look towards', that kind of open mindedness needs to be closed. If not, it can create a great sense of disorder in life at times, such as that which can come with anxiety or mental, physical and emotional hyperactivity. While activity can be energising, hyper activity can become exhausting if experienced long term.
I'm wondering whether looking into 'grounding' exercises would be of any help. While I absolutely love positively mind altering and mind opening forms of research and revelations, I'm also a gal who's learned 'I have to practice coming back down to earth (grounding myself)', otherwise staying 'high' on certain concepts can lead me to altered states of consciousness that just aren't practical in this world. For example, while I could easily stay in my imagination (an incredible place with so much to explore), staying in there full time is also known as 'maladaptive daydreaming'. Or while I can become fully conscious of everything that's depressing in my life (so as to constructively manage those things), I can't stay in that state. I need solid and key grounding strategies to take me up and out of it.
