Tips on how to be less awkward and socialize more in social settings

[44Max44]

So I've just gotten back from holiday celebrations with my family, and I honestly couldn't be more relieved. I am so so bad at socializing, I can't help but think that I'm constantly being awkward, and I just don't know what to talk to people about. For a lot of people socializing comes easy, but for me it takes 110% of my brain power just to have a 5 minute long conversation. I don't know what to do with myself, I don't know what to say, I just don't know what to do at all. In all honestly I'd rather have nobodies company but my own, but I also love my family and want to interact with them to show them that. I'm 21 years old yet I feel like a child.

Because of all of the above I've just become super withdrawn and try to socialize as little as I can. In the rare occasion that I'm out socializing I'll just be sitting by myself, not talking at all unless if I'm spoken to first, and just looking around the place pretending like I'm absorbing the scenery or something when in actual fact I'm just constantly worrying in my head. Instead of enjoying myself I'm just patiently waiting to get back to my room and be by myself again so I can relax.

I think I have ASD or maybe ADHD but I'm yet to get a diagnoses, so that could explain my behaivour, but it could also just be a lack of social 'training' and my anxiety. I also injured my eardrum as a kid so I think I'm partially deaf in one ear so I'm constantly having to ask people to repeat themselves, or I pretend like I heard what they said and just agree/laugh/whatever else and hope that was the right response to what they're saying.



It's eating away at me. I hate it. I just want to be normal in social settings but I don't know how to be. Online I am completely fine with talking to people, but face-to-face I'm almost always silent.


If anyone else is like this or was like this, what are some helpful tips you could provide? What's something I could do to get better with my social skills? I've never gone to a psychologist but I'm thinking I will in 2021.


Thanks guys.

[44Max44]

I forgot to mention that the only way I can really socialize without being constantly anxious is with the aid of alcohol. It sucks because I really don't like the taste of alcohol and I don't like drinking, but it's the only way I know of where I can act 'normal'. I really want to ditch the habit of drinking whenever I have to socialize because I don't want to become dependent on alcohol to socialize.

[Guest_342]

Hi Max!

I know this feeling well! I know what it's like to attempt small talk and constantly feel like they are thinking I'm boring and the conversation is awkward, and it feels forced by both parties, etc. I have, many times, arrived at a party to almost immediately wish the time would hurry up so I can feel I've made my appearance for long enough and can go home.

But I've learnt that big social events are just not my cup of tea - I thrive more off small group settings or one-on-one catch-ups over coffees, lunches, etc. Also, like many people, I live 'me time' to just potter about or watch some TV. This doesn't mean we have a flaw. It just means we know what kind of social interactions work well for us and which ones don't.

I met my new partner's friends and family for the first time a few weeks ago - and I made a point of saying that I don't do well in big groups and could we please just have a few small group catch-ups instead. He was accepting of this and I felt so much more at ease.

I also used to find that I needed to drink to boost my confidence in social settings. However, since I've been gradually being a bit more honest with myself and open with others about what kinds of situations I'm comfortable with, I have found that the need to drink isn't as strong because I am in situations that I'm more comfortable with.

hope this helps a little bit.

[Gambit87]

Hi 44Max44,

I find going to hobby events/game nights a great way to socialise and practice social skills.

I usually go to weekly poker games. I usually dont know anyone (there are a few regulars at the games) and there's not much talking/socialising except for game talk and banter.

my social skills have definitely improved.

all the best!

[44Max44]

Yes I am much better with small gatherings too, if it's just a couple of friends or a few family members then I'm usually fine, but I still don't really talk a whole lot even in those situations. I just find that I have nothing interesting or worthwhile to talk about. I'd much rather just sit there in silence.

I find that I try to avoid social situations as much as possible because of how bad I am at socializing. I was invited to a few different New Years events and refused them all because I just don't have the energy to socialize and whenever I do socialize I'm usually depressed afterwards.

I also find that I will always play the same situation over and over again in my head. Something as simple as me doing an awkward handshake or saying something awkward I play over in my head over and over again and I beat myself up over it. I know that in their minds they probably don't even think twice about it, but with me I will remember that awkward handshake for years to come.

It's really annoying because I can't really build relationships with anyone because I'm so bad at talking to them consistently. Socializing just doesn't come naturally to me at all.

I love the idea of going to hobby events, at least that way I'll have stuff in common with other people that I can talk to them about.

Anyways, thanks for the advice guys, and have a happy new year!

[JacintaMarie]

Hi

You can ask people about them, that's what I get told to do, everyone loves to talk about themselves though I still get anxious in social situations & I'm 38! I feel awkward & I try to be quiet so I don't say the wrong thing. Sorry I'm not helping, if you ask about people, how they are & what they're doing, that's a start!