Terrified of going overseas, but I'm married to a foreigner...

[JimmyB]

Hi,

I'm 25 and have been married for less than a year, and my wife is Vietnamese. We love each other and have a fantastic relationship, I've never been happier in this respect (in fact I never in my wildest dreams ever thought I would end up with such an amazing girl).

I've never left Australia however, she has been here for 4 years at uni and that's how I met her. We leave in 2 days to go to Vietnam to meet her family and spend 2 weeks there during the Chinese NY period.

 The trip has me stressed to the eyeballs, the anxiety is so bad i'm extremely agitated and jumpy, I have this sense of impending doom (like I'm due to go to prison tomorrow) and I kind of feel like my life is coming to an end.

 I'm not in any way afraid of flying, I used to be in the Air Force! I've simply never had any interest in travel and since I've had to travel to so much of Australia so often for my jobs I've always pictured airports and suitcases as just a hassle. Travel is chaos and I just can't understand why anyone would seek it out and pay good money for it unless it's totally unavoidable or work related.

In addition to this I will be meeting my parents-in-law for the first time.. and we don't share a language. My wife speaks fluent English of course and will be there to translate, but I honestly don't now how I'll in anyway meaningfully communicate with them or how they'll possibly get to know me. It's not like you have a casual conversation through a translator. I'll be living in their house for 2 whole weeks, and there will be a day when they will have 20+ relatives visiting for the holiday, I doubt I'll be able to speak to many of them.

I guess the main thing is I'm highly unlikely to have any idea what they really think of me.

I've also just started a small business this year, and leaving my store in the hands of a friend of 14 days while I'm away is an extremely stressful thought.

I've never been so anxious about something, getting married was way less intimidating than this. Practicing engine failures in a helicopter is less intimidating than this.

My main worry at this point is that I won't cope well with having no comfort zone, I'll go quiet, get depressed, more and more agitated, and after a day or 2 I'll be really unpleasant to be around. I don't want to spoil my wife's first trip home in a year or have my new family think I'm horrible to be around. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[C_J]

Have you spoken about your fears to your wife?

If not, it is important for you to communicate your feelings to her.

She will have no worries as it is her family and what she is used to.

If you have spoken to her  and she does not understand the level of stress you are at, try comparing it with something she may have had to deal with in the past that has had her anxious. I would guess that coming to Australia to study would have been one for her. Maybe she coped with it fine and saw it as an adventure in which case it wouldn't be much to compare with.

Communication is very important so she knows and can try to support you with it when you are there.

Even talking to you about her home and seeing pictures of it could help too

so that you can at least recognise something when you get there.

From my understanding, Vietnamese and many asian people I have met are generally quite hospitable.

See if you are able to confirm with your wife to know if it is possible when you are there that there might be a private area for you to retreat to if you need a rest from the busyness of it all.

Also it is quite common to have this stress build up for the unknown, yet once there you can find that it just disappears once the ice has been broken.

You say you love your wife and have a great relationship, Love is the strongest weapon of all to combat fear and anxiety. Always look to that to help.

Hope these ideas can help.