Struggling so much

HelenM · ‎19-12-2015

Life is not good. Three weeks ago my anxiety worsened. I'd been having five or more good days between a bout of about a week. About six weeks ago I had to go for a scan for a post menopausal bleed. Uncertainty is a MASSIVE problem for me. My fear was that the stress would make me severely depressed again. I wasn't worried about my physical health. I know that doesn't make sense. I was so scared that I ended up going private even though the Dr said it would be only three weeks wait. Since then, apart from a handful of days three weeks ago things have been very bad. I get the odd afternoon or evening when my mood is OK. Normally when I'm unwell my mood never becomes worse. Most of this is fear. Fear of my mental illness. I think as time goes on I'm more afraid. I carry on and I'm very lucky that I'm able to continue my routine. I don't think Christmas is making me worse though I'll be glad when it's over. If I don't reply to any post for a while it's because computers stress me a lot. I said the other week (though most unclearly) that I wish I was an old lady. Then I would only have a short while left.

. I hope you know what I mean. Life is very hard just now. A change in meds isn't possible. Because it's kept me well for so long they think it would be risky to change it. Thanks for reading. I know you care. Helen x

Chicken_Wings · ‎20-12-2015

Helen I feel your fear.

its such a scary place when you have uncertainty. My mental health also gets worse when I am worried or stressed about other things.

sometimes I feel it coming over me like a shadow. You feel it coming and you fear it because you've been in this shadow before.

its ok to be scared, I'm scared right now too. So we're scared together. I don't know if it helps to know you are not scared alone, but it sort of makes me feel little more connected.

does crying feel good right now? I know you don't want to get stuck there, but sometimes a good cry can just let it out. It's like undoing the cap on a fizzy drink and releasing the pressure.

i understand what you mean about being an old lady. Personally I want the opposite, I want to be young again so I can avoid the things in my life that have lead me to be how I am and just be normal/happy.

but remember how you said you were having good days? Remember those, hold onto those, aim for more of those. I know it's hard, I know it's scary, but keep going Helen.

HelenM · ‎20-12-2015

Thanks CW for your post. Yes it does help when you're not the only one who's scared. I think that's why we like the forum. We know that we're not alone. I'm very open about my mental health, but I'm beginning to think I want to be more private. I find myself feeling judged even though that's probably not true.

Take care, Helen x

Neil_1 · ‎21-12-2015

Dear Helen

That feeling of being judged is common and again you are not alone. But it stems purely from our illness. It’s another tentacle of evil that it spreads through our being – I wrote a list of other traits that it wants us to feel about ourselves on the other thread that we’re chatting in and this one, “being judged” is another thing that our mind focuses on.

“Oh my god, what is that person thinking about me”

“Oh wow, I saw the look in that person’s eyes and they looked really down at me – why did they do that?”

“Did I really hear that – I think they were talking about me!”

“I’ve read that three times and all I can think of, is they are directing those comments to me”.

There’d be so many more (hundreds more) of bad self talk that we could come up with, but I just rattled off those in the hope of you seeing that this is our mind playing evil tricks with us.

Now I hope that has come across as I wanted it to and just wanted to further emphasise is that everyone on here is a valuable, cared for, wonderful, kind and warm-hearted individual with hundreds of amazing personality traits that all blend together to make each of us the person we are.

Please know that people who suffer from mental health (as well as butchers) are the most amazing people on the planet, friendly, helpful – I’ve added butchers in here cause I’m just amazed that no matter which butcher I’ve ever gone to, they are the most friendly and helpful, up-five people I’ve ever come across in a social, interactive job.

Keep fighting Helen – don’t let the evil thoughts win. We’ll beat them.

Neil

HelenM · ‎24-12-2015

Hi Neil,

I suppose I know really that it's the illness saying nasty things. In fact when I'm well I enjoy being who I am.

I've never noticed that about butchers Neil. But then I'm a vegetarian. When I buy fruit and veg I don't come across any bonhomie I must say. Maybe I'll start looking through the windows of butchers and who knows, if it's as good as you say, I might start eating meat again.

Helen

Guest_1055 · ‎24-12-2015

Hey Helen

I can relate to what you said about feeling like you want to be private. Because I am a very reserved person and for me it doesn't feel comfortable to just blurt out everything about myself. I sort of feel exposed somehow. So I think I only let small bits out about myself. Is that like you then?

I don't know what else to say, so I guess I will say bye.

With hugs to you

Shelley xx

HelenM · ‎28-12-2015

Hi Shelley Anne

Someone told me that I make myself vulnerable by being so open. If you are very private and I'm too open, we need to take a bit of each others approach (if only it was that easy) . I suppose vulnerable is the same as exposed. When you post you are very warm and friendly. I feel I'm amongst equals on here. It might sound strange but I feel as though I'm on the margins of society. I feel I have more in common with the guy I talk to who sits begging in the street. Of course his life is much harder than mine but it's how I feel. If I were to tell my friends they would be horrified.

Like you I don't know what else to say

(((((hugs)))))) to you too, Helen

Guest_1055 · ‎28-12-2015

Hey Mary

I am not sure if your feelings of being on the margins of society are like my feelings of just sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else participate in life, almost like a disconnection feeling. I was just wondering if it was the same as you...

Hugs

Shelley xxx

Guest_1055 · ‎28-12-2015

Hey Helen, it is just me again, I got your name wrong. I'm sorry. I'm embarrassed now, and what to hide somewhere.....

HelenM · ‎29-12-2015

Hi Shelley Anne

Don't be embarrassed.

Feeling disconnected is something I've experienced. At the moment it's more like feeling I'm not as good as everyone else. As though I'm a second class person. I remember when I was working being left out sometimes. I came to realise that they didn't dislike me. It was more as if I was the pet dog. I assumed they didn't like me but came to realise that I was in a different category. I now do voluntary work and lots of us have difficulties in one way or another so they're nice. I still feel as though I'm not as good though.

I think you're a lot younger than me Shelley Anne. I'm 55.

I will go now as I'm supposed to be talking to my mum.

Take care, ((((((hugs))))), Helen