Seven - My battle with OCD

[AshleighD]

My alarm went off at 6:40 today, I didn’t want to get out of bed.
But I did.
Everything was so quiet, my mind was quiet.
I felt calm.


I felt... anxious.
Why am I anxious?


I touched all of the doors, I checked the locks.
The kitchen was fine.
One... Two... Three... Four... Five... Six... Seven...
“I have to leave for work, I’m going to be late.”
But leaving doesn’t feel right, do it again.


One... Two... Three... Four... Five... Six... Seven...


Seven.


Breathe.


On my drive to work my mind is loud.
Was the garage shut? Did I run a red light?Was I speeding?
It doesn’t feel right, turn around and do it again.
I’m going to be late.


At work there is no routine, my day is unpredictable.
This feels nice.
Sometimes I question myself, “why did I say that”, “I wonder what they think of me”
But today, I didn’t count at work.


My drive home was long, I had stopped and turned around twice.
It didn’t matter because that felt right.


I’m tired, my mind won’t shut off.
I need sleep.
I need quiet.
I need... I need to check if I turned the microwave off.


One... Two... Three... Four... Five... Six... Seven...
That didn’t feel right, do it again.
One... Two... Three... Four... Five... Six... Seven...
Lights off, walk away.


The doors are locked, the lights are off.
Go to bed.


Did I leave the oven on?
I didn’t even use the oven.
This doesn’t feel right.


Out of bed, lights on.
One... Two... Three... Four... Five... Six... Seven...
Four power point switches and seven knobs on the oven.
Seven feels right, why doesn’t it feel right.
One more time...


Why can’t I stop?
I am so frustrated but I have to do it until it feels right.


I just want it to feel right.

[Marcus_33]

Hi Ashleigh D,

Sorry to hear that you're having a hard time dealing with some symptoms of OCD and anxiety.

I've been through bouts of OCD and intrusive thoughts myself and benefited from seeing a therapist about it, there was some advice that I got that might be helpful to you.

Treating your thoughts as small waves that you don't need to run and hide from, but thoughts that you can just ride out and let them pass, the more comfortable you become at riding them out then the less affected you are.

I will tell you that it will feel weird and you might think it's pointless at first because the doubts feel so real, but just stick with it and let your strength build up. Everyone thinks these things that you are thinking throughout your day, but the ability to let them pass without reacting to them is where symptoms will begin to subside.

The OCD symptoms become reinforced the more reactive we become to them as we tell our brains that we were right in freaking out at any set of particular thoughts.

The less dangerous you perceive your thoughts to be, the less fear your body and brain need to be in to "protect" you from things you feel might go wrong with your day.

This is just my experience with dealing with OCD symptoms and I hope it might be helpful to you, there's some really great content online if you just search around.

https://ocdla.com - has some really nice articles that I found very easy to read on there.

Also, regular meditation, stay hydrated, get enough sleep - these are all things that I overlooked but were so important at helping manage my state.

Best of luck Ashleigh!

[Croix]

Dear AshleighD~

You have painted a very clear picture of living with thoughts that are reaching the stage of controlling your life. Frustrating, and so limiting (probably not a strong enough word). Frankly I think you are doing a pretty good job, holding down employment whilst trying to cater to all the unwanted thoughts you are having.

You ask why can't you stop. I'm sure you know the reason, you have an illness that requires medical help to overcome. My own anxiety, which is a different form to yours, simply could not be righted by myself, in fact it worsened.

So may I ask if you are currently under treatment? If not may I suggest you book a long appointment with your GP and say exactly what is happening, how you feel, and how much disruption is is causing in your life. See how you go.

Of course if you are already under treatment I guess the same applies, it obviously is not as effective as it should be and t your current regime may need review.

Sometimes the perspective of another can be very helpful. Do you have anyone to rely up who will care and support?

To get further information I'd suggest starting here:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/types-of-anxiety/ocd

and then perhaps also Googling:

OCD beyondblue forum

To find a fair number of treads on the subject.

I do hope you come back and talk some more

Croix

[geoff]

Hi Ashleigh, and welcome to the site.

I understand why you need to count to 7, mine is 4 as I also have OCD and know these urges and thoughts control our lives in a way that is almost unexplainable.

How can someone with this illness ever possibly explain why we have to do these obsessions/rituals, I gave up a long time ago, but someone who is trained in this field will recognise why, but to say I have to check the oven 7 times doesn't gel for many people.

Sometimes an action simply doesn't feel 'right,' and so we repeat it to relieve this tension and for you to have to do it 7 times, doesn't necessarily mean it's done 7 times, although in your mind you count to 7, but the actual action could be done 10 or even more, but as I say you count in your mind to 7.

I have learnt how to hide it is what I do, then there are no questions asked by others, and know that Exposure and Ritual Prevention (ERP) is something my psychologist has said to me that can help with OCD, although I'm not qualified to say and was never done.

I can only go on what she has said.

I take medication for OCD and depression so are you able to visit your doctor and discuss this with them.

I hope you can reply back to us because I'd like to continue talking with you.

Geoff.

[Alexlisa]

Hello Ashleigh,

It sounds like you’re having a really rough time. I also have quite severe OCD and can understand your frustration and the feeling of being trapped by your own brain. I was wondering if you see a psychologist, because OCD can be a difficult monster to get on top of and having support and guidance is so important. There are specific types of therapy that are best for OCD - Exposure Response Prevention, so it would be great if you could find a therapist that has a good knowledge in this area.

Having said all of this, OCD beats me everyday and has taken a great deal from my life. If I could go back in time I would get treatment EARLY because in my experience and what I’ve heard from others, OCD tends to grow over time. More complex systems that need to be followed, more different types of worries. I think of it as ‘collecting’, because that’s what it feels like- I’m unfortunately collecting new triggers constantly.

There’s a great resource that I know of that gives great insight into OCD, treatment and generally staying positive. Her name is Kimberley Quinlan. She’s a therapist based in US, but is Australian, and specialises in OCD and anxiety disorders. She has a podcast called Your Anxiety Toolkit. Check it out, she’s so knowledgeable.

Take care

AlexLisa

[Summer Rose]

Hi Ashleigh

I hear you. There was a time when I couldn't start the car until my daughter had tapped the dashboard 100 times. OCD is exhausting, time consuming and difficult for others to understand.

I have supported my daughter in her battles with OCD over the past seven years. I know the beast. I want you to know three things.

First, you are not alone. OCD is unfortunately quite a prevalent illness. Reaching out here was a smart move as you are connecting with people who understand and care.

Second, you are not your thoughts. The thoughts you are experiencing are just that, thoughts. They can't hurt you and they will pass.

Third, with the right treatment you can better manage your illness. Remission is possible, some people beat it. It can get better.

With medication and CBT my daughter has experienced great healing. She was once house-bound, unbelievably sick whilst hospitalised and I didn't know what would become of her. Today she is attending university, travelling on her breaks with friends, going to gym regularlt and working. Hang in there and never give up hope.

Kind thoughts to you

[geoff]

Hi Summer Rose, I know that must have been an awful experience for you and how sorry I feel for you.

What I forgot to say Ashleigh is that any obsession and/or habit/ritual that any person suffering from OCD has, can change over time and from one residence to another place or from one workplace to another and also from one relationship to another, for example, you have to step on all the cracks on the footpath between concrete sections, but if you move house you may stop doing this, now it doesn't concern me.

However, it maybe replaced by doing something else or it may not.

It can all change as you get older.

Geoff.