relationship anxiety

[danstar111]

gday,

recently i have begun seeing a long time friend in more of a dating context. while time together is normally okay, i get very anxious about our relationship in other times alone. sometimes this can be triggered by messaging, but more often just by my own thinking with no obvious causes for these thoughts. i constantly am assuming the worst will happen in any situation between us, expecting failure. because we have known each other for a long time, i am concerned if i start dating this person, they will get to know the real me and realise they can do much better - constantly feeling like im not good enough.

because of these feelings i often feel like im not myself around them, which then perpetuates the feeling that im not good enough and a 'red flag'. despite all this, i feel obsessed with this person, constantly thinking about them, our interactions and imagining future interactions. i often feel overwhelmed by it all.

for a long time i refused to get involved with anyone romantically, and i am starting to remember this is the reason why - i dont feel like myself.

i am very frustrated by how im feeling and behaving, as i have very strong feelings for this person and i don't want to shoot myself in the foot and self sabotage, before its even had time to begin.

any help or advice would be hugely appreciated

cheers

[Croix]

Dear Danstar111~

There are two things that struck me about you very honest post. I can understand it would have been a hard thing to write, but it was a wise move.

First you are talking about having avoided people and relationships in the past as you felt you were not good enough, a lot of low self esteem, and constant worry, plus imagining the worst - and this is holding you back from what might be a wonderful thing.

As someone with an anxiety condition may I ask if you have seen your GP about these long term feelings? It may well be that, like me, you have a mental health condition the needs medical support. I simply got worse until I received the correct medieval treatment. If you are having treatment you should really say it is not that effective and may need reassessing.

If not then now would be a really good time to start. I'd suggest an extended consultation wiht your GP, and set out all that you feel, not just worry about you freind, but yourself and the life you lead, the thoughts you have.

OK I put all that first because what I'm going to say next is logical, and you are in an emotional state, so you may dismiss it.

It's quite simple, if this person has been a long-term friend then they will already know you. Going further is a two person thing, and you have to credit the other person with the sense and judgment to already know you, it is not a question they will 'find out' after.

You are right about the self-sabotage, this is based upon your own ideas of yourself which is prejudiced against you - others will not feel that way.

I would suggest having a conversation with your friend and say you would like things to go further if they would too. As they are your friend already they are not going to say anything horrible or hurtful.

Please let me know what you think

Croix

[danstar111]

hi croix,

i have not seen my gp - this is the first time i've reached out to any extent really and i think it was probably well overdue. i think i agree that i should see someone and plan on making an appointment.

in regards to your other comment i think you probably make a valid point about them already knowing me and making a judgement. i hope to have a conversation with my friend on this topic.

i REALLY appreciate you taking the time to offer your advice. getting this neutral second opinion has been huge and i cant thank you enough.

cheers again

danstar

[Croix]

Dear Danstar~

I found that talking to a GP took courage, the same sort as coming here. When I did I was worried first it was face to face, and second I'd either forget to say something, or would be too embarrassed or frightened to to. So I spent a few days writing down in point form everything I'd felt or done, and all the other circumstances in my life.

Then I booked a long appointment with a GP a freind had recommended and handed over a copy of the paper. Then of course the doctor had the list and it was too late to "chicken out" of mentioning anything.

It was not too bad, I basically answered questions about the points I'd written. Fortunately the doctor was prepared to run overtime even on the extended appointment I'd booked and understood what had been happening.

OK, you will feel uncomfortable for a few minutes, but you feel uncomfortable in a different way most of the time. It can help a lot.

I can't help you with your friend, who may or may not be interested in taking things further - though if your instinct says "probably" then it may well be right. I've been lucky in the very few I've talked to have all felt the same way. Still even if one had not I think I'd have got over it and inside I would know I was capable of asking, something you are not aware of at the moment.

I hope it all goes well, please let us know how you get on

Croix