Relationship anxiety

[E_elizabeth]

I really need help or advice. My partner and I have broken up 3 times (we have a child together) and now I’m constantly worried that it will happen again. We have been through so many bad things together that’s probably half the reason I feel this way but I’m having anxiety to the point I can’t eat. I’m worried things are going to go bad for us again and whenever I ask him to reassure me he won’t. I’m afraid I’m going to make this bad for us. I’ve started taking medication and I’ve joined the gym but nothing so far can take the worries away.

[sparrowhawk]

Hi E.elizabeth, thank you for posting here.

Relationship difficulties can be awful and it is undoubtedly a very challenging time for you. It would be very hard to be in a relationship but not feel secure.

Have you told your partner honestly about your anxiety? Your anxiety sounds debilitating but I am glad you have an outlet in the gym and are trying medication. What I have learned myself is that these things can help restore us to our baseline, but they won't change our thought processes.

What do you do when you feel anxious? Do you have any techniques that may help? I am going through depression and my GP recommended something called the "Rule of 5" which I can use if my traumas or depressive moods are triggered. Essentially you try to focus on:

5 things you can see around you
4 things you can hear
3 things you can touch
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste

I don't know if it will help you. Sometimes it doesn't work for me, but it usually acts as a helpful distraction and triggers gratitude and wonder instead of trauma.

[Here_I_am]

Hi E.elizabeth,

I just wanted to add to sparrowhawk's very wise words by suggesting how beneficial it might be to stick around here on the forum and talk it through for as long as it's helpful. A helpful part of processing our thoughts - especially in relation to anxiety - is giving them an outlet; the forums here let you speak freely about what you're feeling and what you're going through.

Kudos on the gym activities and reaching out to a GP to start medication. Are you also linking in with a mental health professional through your GP? Medication plus talking therapies work really well together!

Talk soon.

[White_Rose]

Dear E.elizabeth

Welcome to the forum. It's a good move to make as you can talk to others who have gone on this road also. Pooling ideas can be helpful. Not everything used by someone else will work for you but you will get a number of tips which can help you find something that does work for you.

Making sure your body is healthy by going to the gym and making sure you have a good diet is essential. Just lately I have not been eating properly, or at all, and I have noticed a corresponding decrease in my energy and mental health. Try to eat very small meals more frequently.

Constantly asking for reassurance from your partner is not productive. It would not surprise me to learn he is also anxious about the continuing relationship. Perhaps he is looking for reassurance from you. Letting go of your anxiety and living together as though this is going to last forever gives more chance of staying together. I know this is not easy and your anxiety is always in the background ready to pounce at the smallest opportunity.

So what can you do? Having a frank talk with your GP is a good start. I think you have started this by getting some medication for your anxiety. Discuss accessing a psychologist via a mental health plan. Your GP can explain the details. I think you would benefit from this professional help and can talk about your fears to him/her. They will be able to show you how to manage, but please know it is not a fast cure. Your insecurities have been with you a long time and may take time for you to understand and change your thinking and actions. This can help enormously taking pressure off yourself and your partner.

I love sparrowhawk's Rule of 5. Such a easy process because you do not have to engage in mental gymnastics. Just look around and think about what you see/hear/touch etc. It's very similar to mindfulness but easier to follow at first. You may want to explore mindfulness later on.

I do understand your uncertainties as this was how I felt when my husband and I got together. I worried about him leaving, not wanting to be with me, how would I cope. It was a truly bad time. Like your partner he was not good at reassurances. If your partner did try to reassure you would you believe him? At first my husband did try but it made no difference, I was still very anxious. Really it was time that helped. We stayed together and gradually my anxiety went away.

Ask your GP for help and try to see what exactly it is that distresses you.

Mary