Hi all, new here.
I have a job in motorsport which is very high pressure and requires decisions to be made very quickly and concisely as a result of constantly changing situations. Unfortunately after 4 years persisting and moving up the ladder I am coming to realise that my ability to handle the pressure in a manner where I can enjoy my job is non existent. Ever since I first began years ago now, in a lower position with less stress I struggled to enjoy it and I found the only time I enjoyed myself was when it was over and I could go home. I persisted though, because motor racing is the dream job and I was apparently living that dream and my peers often made a point of how great I was doing to have such success in this niche industry. So to quit simply wasn't an option.
Gradually I moved up the ladder, I am good at what I do (mostly because I'm terrified of failure so I work hard to ensure I don't) and as a result the opportunities continued to come. The anxiety of it has also climbed with each opportunity though and I've continued on with the belief that more experience will make it easier to cope and that is true to an extent however I'm finding that in my recent role I am crumbling with no improvement in my anxiety as I gain experience, if anything it's getting worse. There's usually a 3 to 4 week break between each event and the strange thing is when I get back home after each event I feel fine, almost like I forgot how anxious and stressed I was during the previous event but still I never look forward to the next one, I instead always count down the weeks, wishing I had more time before having to leave again. Whenever I have been offered a new, bigger opportunity in the sport I don't feel excitement, I feel dread, that awful sinking feeling in the pit of the stomach and almost instant sweating of the palms, it's not the reaction someone should have if they're pursuing their dream.
I'm not on medication and the issue is that anything which could cause drowsiness and a lack of concentration would be a big problem for the role, not to mention having a reliance on medication to cope into the long term future wouldn't be healthy.
I've realised writing this out that I'm basically making the decision already, but I'm extremely worried about the fact I have nothing planned to go back to and my skillset useful in that industry applies to little outside of it.
I'm struggling to come to terms with the thoughts of regret to let the "dream" go.
Cheers,
