This year started off really well, and I felt like I was on track. I enter a masters course with the intention of going on to a PhD. I got an internship at an amazing company with a great team. I have wonderful friends and family who are loving and supporting. But over this year things have started to fall apart.
I tried to write my final thesis and found the task insurmountable, I just sit at my computer every day trying to write something, but I felt what I wrote sounded idiotic and ridiculous. I wouldn't go to my supervisor for help because I felt like he would think I was stupid and that I should be doing this course.
At the internship, I fell into managing a social media role. But I began to be paranoid that the people at work also thought that I was stupid and what I was doing useless. I would hide what I was doing on my computer because I did not want my colleagues to see what I had done and think I was wasting company time. I would try and get all my work done at home and pretend I had done that during the day. Furthermore, my role required posting information to social media and I found that this was overwhelmingly stressful. I always worried that I had made a grammar/spelling mistake or I had misunderstood a critical piece of information and that I would embarrass the company and myself on a public forum. Last week, due to my anxiety over posting I had a panic attack(tight chest, shortness of breath, shaking, dizziness) thankfully I made it outside of the building, so no one saw, and I went home saying I felt sick. But the fear that I would have another one in the office has to led me to resign from the position even though I cannot financially afford too.
I had a slow build-up of being anxious before social events. It was mild, to begin with, I just felt uncomfortable going to gatherings at night time, particularly if they included people I didn't know. At the event, I was quieter than normal feeling too nervous to talk to anyone. It has slowly gotten worse over the last couple of months. The last time I went out, I felt so uncomfortable that it brought me to tears in front of a group of people a bearly knew; I was so embarrassed. I have several events coming up over the next couple of weeks and I cannot stop worrying if I go, I will end up in tears and ruin the event.
I booked in to see a phycologist, but even then I feel guilty because people have much bigger issues in their lives and I am just self-sabotaging.
