Not sure what to do anymore

Steph · ‎19-06-2016

I have suffered from anxiety and depression since I was 16 (Im now 30). I go through highs and lows, however I am in a real low at the moment...probably the worst I have suffered in a long time. I don't want to do anything (cook or clean), I don't want to hang out with anyone or even leave the house. I have been taking medication for over a year, and I have just increased to 60mg. I am seeing a psychologist but it's only early days yet so not finding it effective yet. When my anxiety is really bad, I tend to take something codeine based because I feel hopeless and just want the anxiety gone which the codeine does for about 24 hours. The anxiety literally makes me feel like I want to die. I am terribly, terribly sick of living this way. I feel like I'm not even living. I feel like I have black tar pulling me down, making every movement, every activity feel like the biggest effort. I really just feel like I can't deal with this anymore. I feel exhausted. I feel like everyone expects something from me, and that makes me feel resentful in the mood I am in because I just want to be left alone. I really just don't know what to do anymore.

White_Rose · ‎19-06-2016

Dear Steph

Welcome to the forum. It's good for you to be here and talk to others who have travelled the same road. Firstly I am concerned you are taking medications not prescribed by your doctor. I have no idea what your other medication is but the two meds could well be adversely interacting and causing problems for you. Taking unprescribed meds can be dangerous. Sometime prescribed meds have an adverse effect. I know because this happened to me, but at least the doctors knew what I was taking.

Please make an appointment to see whoever prescribe your meds immediately and tell him/her what you have been taking. Taking 60 mg of a drug does not mean much. It depends on the drug. I take 75 mg of my new antidepressant, and often the dose is 100-150 mg. The drug I took previously was 20 mg. While the amount you are taking is important it cannot be compared with something else because the properties are different. Sorry to have put on my lecturer's hat, I want you to know how these things work.

I do know about anxiety as this is one of my problems. Also panic attacks. It may be you need a different medication but this is being hidden by taking the codeine. Ask your doctor for a medication review and be open about the codeine. I am worried you may be making things harder for yourself.

Can you tell me something about your life such as do you have a partner or live alone? Children? Full time/part time work? Who is depending on you? Perhaps you are taking on far too much responsibility for other people. Have you talked about this to your psych? If not I think it would be a good idea as this is stress you don't need.

How often do you meet with psych? I know from my own experience that it takes a little while to feel OK chatting to someone about your private thoughts and actions. Even the more public activities can be a little difficult. You don't want to be seen as a complainer or useless yet you want to know how to get out of this muddle. It will come but I think a little more slowly than you want. But then we are never patient about things that cause of pain and grief.

Please write in again and talk more about how you feel. I know this will help but only talk about the things you are comfortable with. This place is safe.

See you soon.

Mary

Steph · ‎20-06-2016

Hello Mary

Thank you for your response. I am going to organise to see my GP in the coming days. I understand what you mean about the medication possibly having an adverse reaction. In the past I have told the GP about the codeine but they never seemed to think of it as an issue...but then I may make it sound like I don't take it that often, because I am quite ashamed that I do that. In a way, I think of it as a form of self-harming...I know it's bad for me, but it makes me feel better for a short period of time.

I have a husband and work full-time. I have always been very focused on trying to make everyone else happy. I am not someone who says "no" very often, so sometimes it feels like I am always doing things that I don't really want to be doing. I am seeing my psych on a weekly basis...and like you said, I think I am impatient about it working...

Thank you very much for your advice, I have taken it on board and will definitely go back to my GP to have my meds reviewed.

Steph

White_Rose · ‎20-06-2016

Good to hear from you, and good you are going to see your GP. What helps sometimes is to write down everything you want to say and discuss. Not word for word of course, just a list of topics. So one point would be how much codeine you are taking and how often. Also tell the doc that you feel you are self harming. This is an important aspect to taking the medication. And do not be ashamed. We focus on what we do wrong far more than what we do right, yet I am certain we do more rights than wrongs. The brain really likes to trick us into thinking we are bad and/or stupid.

Doing things you don't want to do has a huge effect on your life. Of course there are things you don't like. I do not like cooking. I can cook because I need to but I really wish I could afford to pay a cook. But what you are talking about is different. All those jobs that get fobbed off on to you. It's a good thing to discuss with your psych. There was a book around some time ago called When I Say No I Feel Guilty. Can't remember the author. Perhaps your local library has a copy. I think you would find it interesting.

Looking after the needs of other people can be an indication you do not consider yourself to be as worthwhile as them. Their time is more valuable than mine so the best I can do is help them even though it means I cannot do the things I want. Yep, been there, done that, got the Tee shirt.

Helping someone in genuine need is good but not always something you should do. Sometimes the other person needs to find a different way to manage. For example I know quite a few grandmothers who look after their grandchildren for several days each week. Some actually drive long distances to do this. The grannies say they want to do this and who can argue with grandma wanting to spend time with the littlies. The reality is that the parents should make arrangements for the care of their children.

And of course there are those who just plain can't be bothered. Hope you can continue to write in.

Mary