mother issues

[jj123]

hi,im currently struggling,i cant talk to my mum anymore, she doesnt listen, or care, she saw my sister twice over xmas and didnt even call me at all,its been like this for years and years,and if i talk to her on phone it takes a week of anxiety and anger to get over it,i cant do it anymore, i think i need to go no contact...its been like this ever since parents divorced at a young age,,i need to break ties,,i just try to be nice to keep the piece ,but im so angry with her all the time...its affecting my anxiety, we spoke this morning, ive done alot of exercise to help it today,but nothing fixes the anxiety and anger,it takes a week to subside then it starts again next time we speak. anyone else in this situation,i dont have anyone else to talk to,i havent spoken to a human person since beginnong of december,thank you

[indigo22]

Hi jj123,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I used to think it was only me, but being on the forums have taught me that for many of us, family can be one our biggest challenges. Whether that is one person or the entire family, it's always complicated by the fact that we don't feel quite right about breaking ties.

I bit the bullet about 11 years ago and broke all contact with my narcissist sister. She had pushed me beyond what I could tolerate and that was it for me, and I have to say that life has felt more stable ever since making that decision. I can't advise if this is right for you or not, only you can decided that, but it was the right choice for me. I also broke ties with my mother for about 6 months when I was in my 20s because she had crossed a line that I could not forgive at the time. My family was always dysfunctional to a large degree and it sounds like you have some dysfunction in yours too. I guess we need to weigh the consequences of either decision and see what feels right for us. It is a hard decision to make but if it is affecting your health, you owe it to yourself to give both options equal consideration. The only other option is detach yourself emotionally, and that isn't easy either, family know exactly which buttons to push.

I would be happy to continue this conversation if you wish.

Take your time and think it through before making a decision, just make sure you are looking after yourself in the process.

indigo

[jj123]

hi, thanks so much for reply,i feel we relate well,sorry to hear you have similar issues. Yes my family is very disfunctional,my sister and i dont talk for over 10 years now also,i want to cut off all ties with my mum,i have so  much anger inside me from childhood and it takes 3 days for me to get over a call, the anxiety and anger is killing me,i dread her calls,and i dont want to make them,i have spread them out though lately. i nkow holding on to anger is me getting burned,i should let it go, i know she doenst have a care in the world.  Yes my mum knows how to guilt trip, but know how to deal with that. i apprecaite you giving me something to hope for and think about,im glad it helped you at the time also

[indigo22]

Hi jj123,

I had a lot of anger inside from growing up also, it wasn't acceptable to express anger to my parents but dad was always angry about something and the two of them bickered everyday. My sister is the only member of the family left now but I haven't really considered her as family for a long time, more a tormentor. When the last of the family passed (mum), I spent the next two years in rage, all the anger I had stored up inside came out and I was angry with the whole world.

It would be beneficial for your health (physical, emotional, mental and spiritual) to find a way to release the anger you have inside. I am guessing you have had some counselling to address the emotions but I would like to suggest looking into EFT (emotional freedom technique) also known as tapping, as it will help to shift the more deeply stuck energy from your body. It can bring to the surface things you may not be consciously aware of that have been trapped for a long time and release them. You can do this without counselling but if you feel there is a lot you would struggle dealing with alone, look for a 'soul centered/based psychotherapist' as they have the tools to help you through it. My advice is to start with some of the smaller things and work up to the bigger ones so you don't overload your nervous system, particularly since you already have anxiety. The more the energies are released, the lighter you will feel.

If you have any questions, I would be happy to answer them as best I can and if you just want to talk, that's ok too.

Take care,

indigo

[jj123]

thank you ,i have heard of tapping,seen it done,i will look into it again,t hank you.

I make sure i exercise daily to release stress, walk, etc(and eat choc haha).

Sorry you had to experience this also,its a horrible feeling and way to live isnt it. I have years and years of anger ,and not just with one person, i dont really talk to anyone out loud, i really notice it,so thanks for taking the time to have a chat with me,same goes for you, if you need to vent or chat,go for it...

Its a shame we were at an age we remember everytihng about our parents growing up

[indigo22]

Hi jj,

You know, I am still angry with my mother and haven't found a way to let that go yet. I think things might have been different but she made a promise to me that she didn't keep and that ended up putting me through a long ordeal for the next 4 years that drove me into a black hole. I really struggled with suicidal ideation during that time but I managed somehow to come out the other side of it and haven't had those thoughts for the past few years even though life still feels difficult a lot of the time. I try to fill my time with things I enjoy doing and spend as little time as possible on the drudgery and that helps to keep me more stable with the depression.

It is hard to come to terms with the fact that often those who are supposed to love you the most, are the ones that do you the most harm and leave you with an emotional mess to clean up. I will forgive her some day, just not today.

Hope you have had a good weekend,

indigo 💜

[jj123]

hi,im so sorry you experienced that,im glad you have found a way to keep busy and keep your mind off things, though im sure you feel it in your heart every day.

Yes my mum and never got along at all,parents divorced really young, remember everything i went with my dad,sister went with mum, been angry ever since,didnt see her for several years after that, then we reconciled but wish now that i never did,its horrible to say, but i just dont like her or get on with her,but i just keep the peace when i shouldnt, i know how to manage her guilt trips but i know im the one getting hurt when she doesnt even realise what she does.

i hope you had a good weekend too, the sunshine makes a difference to my life,i try to get in it everyday, hope you do too