Living with Anxiety and Depression - caring about everything and nothing at the same time

[ciclista]

Howdy team, sharing my experience with living with mental health issues. Living with Anxiety and associated depression for some 40 years now. Been very, very good at hiding my illness to my own detriment, putting on a brave face and "coping" through various life challenges along the way. Ranging from avoiding social outings as a child, to working myself up to the extent of physical illness prior to sporting events, to not wanting to get out of bed and close off to the world, to going that flat out at work to please all and sundry around me that when works finished for the day I fall in a screaming heap and find it difficult to cope on the subsequent days. Has spanned such a long period of time that it has become the norm to deal with it on a daily basis, however, recent Australia wide changes and restructures by my employer have ramped up the anxiety and associated depression back up to 11/10 and find it hard to stop the " noise" at work and overflows into home life. Recently opened up to close friends and family including wife and young children about my struggles and also started my own little Home charity to fix and donate old bikes to kids to get them exercising in the hope to not have to go through what I do. Have finally also started seeing a psychiatrist to get some help with regards to controlling the all encompassing anxiety which has been more prevalent since work changes. What helps me, well, definitely my sport, Cycling, surfing and also my family, my wife and my two young kids. Just starting to challenge my thoughts and it will be a long road to practice techniques to live a happier/healthier mindful life. Thanks for listening. Cheers

[demonblaster]

Hey ciclista

Sounds like you're taking good steps towards getting support & understanding which helps no end. Personally although understand withdrawal & not talking to people I dont think its healthy holding pain in so kudos for reaching out

Loven the bike fixing lovely you doing that ☺

Yeah im working on challenging thoughts too & as we know depression has its way for long periods of time & it does as you said become the norm, the good is we can change that thinking & create a new norm. Agree its something with practice & time we'll become better at.

Thankyou for sharing

Wishing you every success. Like to know how you go

Tc☺

[LuLu_]

Hi ciclista

Your title struck a chord with me. I just wanted to pop in and say hello. I relate to feeling nothing and everything at the same time and thinking everything and nothing.

Sometimes I think it’s because I are to much that I end up feeling nothing. Perhaps because I can’t handle the emotion so my brain tries to protect me by shutting it off.

I hope you feel better soon it sounds like you are having a hard time. Look after yourself

Lulu

[BballJ]

Hi ciclista,

Wow, what an amazing story you have to share. It sounds like you have some really good coping habits and I love the thing about fixing old bikes and donating them to help kids not have to go through what you did. That is amazing. I have suffered from anxiety since my teenage years so I can relate to your story a bit. I am at the stage where I do not want to people to feel how I have felt which is why I spend a lot of time on these forums. You seem to have a very similar mindset and it is great you have such a strong support network around you as well.

How did it feel opening up to your own friends and family about your struggles?

Please, post back as much as you like, we are always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

[ciclista]

Yes, no doubt like others in similar situations I felt enormous shame and felt weak when I opening up to my family and a few close friends about my battles over such a long time with Anxiety and depression, even though, in hindsight, Im probably very strong as have dealt with MH issues for so long. A weight was definately lifted however by the same token now feel an enormous sense of expectation to continue on the path to getting assistance in dealing with daily struggles. Sounds strange but the anxiety and depression would force me into a "safe" place and after so long, this automatic reaction to situations feels normal.. Work issues have definately been the " re " trigger for the intense anxiety and depression being felt lately, but Im unable to see light at the end of the tunnel on the massive changes to my work.

[BballJ]

Hi ciclista,

Did you want to go into more detail about the work issues?

My best,

Jay

[ciclista]

Sure, Work in the banking industry for some 25 years total. Late last year an australia wide restructure saw the regional location where I worked and the team I worked for suffer major redundancies and I also was unsure about future role .. my role remained however now report into Head office in the city and also have to travel 4 hours total each tuesday to attend the office. Other days Im able to work remotely from a regional branch, however that is not ideal as Im on my own in a small back office co located with a branch.

[demonblaster]

Hi darl

Back to what you said about feeling shame & weak about opening up which I imagine would've been a huge release, your bang on about actually being very strong to talk openly. Wayyy too much rot stigma and closed minds in the dark ages that still goes on but fortunately slowly there's more understanding and education out there. I talk openly about BP (Bipoar) so far and have spoken to many haven't had adverse reactions, best of luck if they do lol, but have heard of many that have which is just WRONG.

Jeez you do some travelling, glad you were able to hold your jobs. You're very busy.

Something I heard recently here that came from a psych is along the lines of what I'm doing, fighting depression, is they said to not do what depression tells you to, eg: don't wanna get outta bed, so do get outta bed etc... "IT" the beast kinda manipulates us, but if we challenge it and not let it have it's way our strength imo grows stronger as well as in other ways like liking ourselves, distraction, controlling our thoughts or better put how we react to them.

How are you these days? How's the bike fixing going?

[ciclista]

After such a long time its hard to let go of the " must do everything for everyone all at once" mentality and just back off and do the minimum required to get by without jeopardizing work/health balance. Ive been given old bikes as donations, only fixed one up thus far. Been trying to get myself right at work as a priority as it smashed me for a six when the changes happened. Now Im dealing with the internal issue of " am I doing enough " . Would love a career change, but I get paid well so thats also an issue with two young children .

[demonblaster]

Hi ciclista

Yes habits are hard to break aren't they, sounds like you're doing the right things by yourself backing off on that long term habit to look after yourself which can be neglected easily when we're in distress

You might end up with career change that's close or more than now, if you're able to & wanting a change it is stimulating although learning the ropes can be unsettling the long term rewards I think are worth it especially that it ramped your depression & anxiety to 11.

How's it going with Psych?

Are you still getting your biking & surfing in, definitely we need to have any pleasures to give the mind a rest

You know I don't think there'll ever not be a need for bikes, they've been around for a long time now & still heavily used. I loved biking but have two flats need new wheels but that won't happen for a while but I walk hills so if I do jump back on got some fitness in the quads, shame about the rest, whole body for that matter 🙂 definitely great benefits from exercise

How are you going with the thought challenging, I did some yesterday, was starting to sink was difficult but this is early days so pleased very with how it's all going so far.

I'm extremely brain fried atm but holding up so I'll be baacccckkkkk not sure when though