Hi SushiRose09
First I just want to say please don't feel yourself as being a failure when it comes to answering such a noble calling, that of nursing. It is a great calling that not everyone answers. Personally, I've learned over the years to not question 'Why am I such a failure?' and instead question 'What am I failing to acknowledge?' or 'What am I failing to practice?' and things along those lines.
Regarding the 'What I'm failing to acknowledge' list, is it possible to include maybe
- I'm a deeply feeling person and deeply feeling people are suited to more specific areas of nursing, such as rehab etc. While sensitivity gets a bad wrap and sensitive people can be wrongly labeled as 'weak', to be able to sense can mean sensing the needs, stresses, upsets, traumas and a whole array of emotions coming from other people. Is it possible you're also sensing the stress of those you work with, on top of everything? Being fairly new to practicing nursing, is it also possible you could be sensing the intolerance of some of those you're working along side? Breaking it all down, are you sensing a heck of a lot more than you're actually conscious of?
- While the nervous system is largely acknowledged as a physical system, it can also been seen as an energy system which we process non physical energy through. For example, while chemistry definitely plays a part in emotion, you could acknowledge 'What energy in motion (e-motion) am I feeling or sensing?'. 'Am I sensing the worst day of this person's life? Am I sensing their grief? Am I sensing their loneliness (without friends or family here to support them)?' etc
- Some elements of nursing can't be taught from books. They have to be learned through experience
- Your body does not like the emergency department and, in fact, may find it sickening
Regarding the 'What I'm failing to practice'
- Being able to emotionally switch off or turn the dial down (aka 'not sensing as much'). I've heard it said before that some emotionally switched off people actually thrive in high stress environments because they can't feel stress, other people's emotions, upset etc
- Venting all that overwhelming energy, as opposed to keeping it stored in your body
The nursing staff around you, who have been in the role of nursing for years, may have developed certain practices (which they've been practicing over and over for hundreds or thousands of hours). For some, debriefing may be crucial after certain stressful events. Whether that's done at work or at home or with friends can depend on the person. Also, if you're someone who thrives on a sense of structure, having hours all over the place is perhaps something else your body doesn't like.
Coming to know ourself on a mental, physical and even soulful level is a life long experience. On one, two or all of these levels, I suppose the question is 'What are you in the process of learning about yourself?'. If one of the answers happens to be 'I am in no way an emergency department person', that is absolutely nothing to feel bad about, it may simply be something you're discovering. Could you be an ED person in the future? Maybe so. Perhaps talking to other nurses who also didn't like the ED could be of help, helping you make greater sense of the the challenges. Some may even say '100%, it just wasn't my thing'. 🙂
