Is it Anxiety? Or a real problem?

[ElleMilly]

Please someone tell me if what i have is an irrational fear or a real one that i should keep giving my attention to...

I feel so alone because no one has ever been able to tell me that my problem isn't a true concern and it seems like every anxiety website talks about simple worries that get out of hand, but my worries aren't about simple things like exams or money, they're about my fears of never being totally happy with a man. At times, it's crippling.

The problem: when I get into relationships, the MOMENT the person shows me that they may not be EXACTLY what I want or what I think I need, I become absolutely riddled with depression and anxiety because I feel I cant break up with them because by that stage ive developed super strong feelings for them. Now, please- listen closely- just because I love them, that DOESNT mean that I don't truly want to break up with them- when I know in my gut that a guy isn't right for me, i don't doubt it, what I get upset about is that somehow I still seem to love them and it makes it IMPOSSIBLE for me to break up with them.

So that's one issue- the other is that I worry that i'll always think that there's someone better out there for me, I wonder if my standards are so high that no one will every compare. It KILLS ME.

can anyone relate? am I broken? or am I okay?

[JessF]

Hello ElleMilly, google "anxious avoidant attachment". You'll find a number of web pages talking about the psychology of relationships and different attachment styles. Based on your post, you sound like you fit this pattern. Anxious avoidant people develop deep feelings for their partners, but just as intimacy starts to develop, they begin to push them away, and often are fantasising during the relationship about that "perfect" mate that is just around the corner (but in reality does not exist).

It would be worth talking to a psychologist about this, otherwise you'll find this pattern repeating over and over in your relationships.

It also sounds like you're not setting the appropriate expectations early on in the relationship. If you're continually finding yourself in a situation where you're with men that don't suit you, but it hurts unimaginably to break up, then you're probably moving too quickly. Think about what you want out of a relationship, in terms of your deal breakers, and try and find out those things about the person before you get in too deep.

[ElleMilly]

Thank you so much for this reply. I will google that and its s nice to know that this potentially has a name!