Intrusive thoughts, what do I do?

[sar3658]

Hello

I am a 17 year old girl and have been suffering extreme anxiety for the past few months that has come out of nowhere. Always been anxious person growing up but it seems my mind has just taken over.

I started to believe I was going insane with depersonalisation and my thoughts constantly told me that I was insane and the world was not real. I started to research on intrusive thoughts and OCD and found that it is common for people to have sexual thoughts about family members. I read this and was so shocked this was happening to some people but over the course of a couple of days I couldnt help but think if I start thinking about that stuff. So of course my mind started thinking those things to the closest person in my life, my mum. This is the hardest thing to write because I've never experienced anxiety so bad. This happened about 4 weeks ago and was put on medication by my GP although haven't told anyone about my intrusive thoughts. While my anxiety died down a lot for about 2 weeks I started getting very anxious again about week 3 of the tablets and of course the intrusive thoughts have come back bad. I can't even sleep at night and I feel like I can't come back from this and I'm so scared to seek help from a psychologist because I am 17 and what if they think I have a very bad home life and need to speak with my mum or anyone else about what I'm going through.

Family is the most important thing in my life and I'm so close with everyone, have had such a good upbringing and love them so much especially my mum she is my best friend and it gives me such severe anxiety as to why I am thinking these things. Even when these thoughts cross my mind and my anxiety doesn't get too bad I start to question whether I'm getting used to this way of thinking and if I'll start to like the thoughts which gives me even more anxiety. Honestly I don't know what to do 😞

[Croix]

Dear Sar3658~

Being 17 is confusing enough trying to lean about oneself, people, sex and life without illness making it worse. Having anxiety colors your whole life and one spends an awful lot of time trying to live with the condition. It is limiting and frightening and makes one feel alone too.

A lot of people have unwanted thoughts, they are extreemly worrying and can make one question who one is. They are however unwanted thoughts not you.

Actually you sound a very sensible and caring person. There are a lot of good things you speak of. You live in a loving family and you have just started to seek medical help. There are a lot of people that hesitate to do this fearing the consequences if they do. And your initial treatment shows promise.

Everyone is different and so treatment is not quite cut and dried. Your reactions seemed pretty good for a little while then tailed off. Your GP may have told you that meds do take a while, sometimes several weeks, to stabilize and become properly effective. I've started on a lot of different courses until I found one that works. Even so occasionally the dosage has to be varied to compensate for changes in my life.

So I'd suggest going back to your GP to get your regime tweaked. While there I'd strongly suggest you discuss these thoughts. It is not a good idea to just hope they will get better, you do need a professional to help you sort the problem out. Because it is a something that often comes up doctors and other medical professionals are quite used to treating it and you can expect things to get better

If you think the matter is too hard to deal with face to face you have several options. Writing things down first and giving the paper to your GP. Calling eHeadspace 1800 650 890 or the Kids Help Line 1800 55 1800 is another. They specialize in people under 25 and are very sensible and can be a real comfort.

Normally you are in control and get to tell the medical people what you will let them say. The only exception is if they believe you are in danger, in which case looking after you comes first. There is no reason to think that a bad home life will be assumed. You have to remember that while this condition is new and strange and frightening it is something they see quite often.

One of the big traps I fell into was thinking my illness and my thoughts were my fault, that I was a very undesirable person and things were a reflection of me. Simply not true. Illness can shape our thoughts. Now I know better.

Croix

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sar3658

I am sorry that you are feeling so unwell and confused. I am so pleased that you reached out to this community with your post. My daughter has OCD and anxiety and I have cared for her for the past six years, since her diagnosis at age 13.

Congratulations for being so brave to share the type of thoughts you are experiencing. I know it was very hard. I truly understand your confusion, shame and fear. I want to reassure you that it is okay. The types of thoughts you describe are unfortunately part and parcel of OCD.

Your thoughts are not you. They pop in and out and you have no control. You are not OCD. You are a kind, loving person who is unwell at the moment. Try to remember that and focus on who the real "Sara" is. I made a book for my daughter, full of photos, stories memories, so that she can always turn to it and remember who she really is. Maybe you and your mum could make one together.

The third thing I want you to know is that you can get through this. Your treating doctors will understand OCD is responsible for your thoughts. They may ask questions about your home life but they would likely do that anyway. They will help you manage better and get on with your life. They can review your medication and organise better treatment. And, perhaps more importantly, I suspect your mum will also understand.

My daughter fell so ill that she spent time in hospital. I remember, at a really low point, desperately asking one of the nurses if she'd ever get better. The nurse held my hand and told me she would with the help of family. I hung on to that. I clung to it a life jacket in the middle of the ocean on a stormy night.

My daughter and I--our whole family--got through it. She graduated high school, is going to uni, has a caring boyfriend and lots of friends. Our family is stronger than ever and we share a deeper compassion for others as a result of our experience. It took time, effort, the right treatment and heaps of love and understanding. You say your mum is your best friend, I encourage you to lean on her and allow her to help you find the light.

I am always here for you, too. Feel free to post anytime, I will keep an eye out for you x

[sar3658]

Thankyou so much for your kind words and I'm so happy to hear your daughter and you are doing fantastic.

Its just so unlike me that I am going through this and I'm so scared to see a psychologist about it. Will they tell my mum? Will a psychologist and the medication actually help me?

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sara3658

What's happening to you isn't fair and I know it stings. The truth is that anyone can fall ill. Mental health conditions don't discriminate. The good news is that many people recover. Yes, I believe with the right help and your loving family that you will get better.

Seeing a psychologist is an exercise of hope and trust and it's good that you're asking questions. In my opinion, the most important thing is to find the right one. Someone you feel comfortable talking to and who is offering you the treatment you need. BB has some questions on its website that you can ask when you meet the psychologist and then you can decide if it's the right person for you.

Psychologists operate in different ways. However, you should be able to talk to the doctor and set the "rules" around privacy together. In our case, my daughter's sessions were private. If they had something to share that, would help me to help my daughter, I was invited in for the last ten minutes. If I wanted to talk to the doctor and they both agreed, I could ask to join them for the last ten minutes. If wanted to talk to the psychologist alone, I always asked my daughter first and told her what I wanted to discuss so she wasn't blindsided.

The psychologist never divulged private information, she would talk to me in generalities. To this day, I only know the details my daughter wanted me to know and that's okay because I was getting the information I needed to help her. My daughter had her privacy, she never felt betrayed by her doctor or me and she had my best support. The only exception to the rules was if the doctor or I thought my daughter was in danger.

You are older than my daughter was at the start and I don't know how far you want to involve mum, so your rules may be different. That's fine. The point is that you get a say.

You have to try working with a psychologist and taking medication to start learning what will work for you. It's a very individual thing. There can be a bit of trial and error. I encourage you to follow the medical advice you are given and try and be prepared to change course, if required.

For us, a combination of medication, CBT, a very good paediatrician and a capable GP were required. Your journey may be different, it doesn't matter as long as it gets you where you need to go.

Does this make sense to you?

[sar3658]

All of this does make sense thankyou so much. I would prefer if the psychologist kept our sessions just between us and didn't involve other parties such as family members. Im so scared to open up to anyone such as a psychologist what if they think I'm a freak or they've never seen this case of OCD before? I'm also worried that if these sinister thoughts carry on they will be permentely there and hard to change because that's what I feel at the moment.

[Croix]

Dear Sar3658~

I have to say Summer Rose is spot-on and giving you excellent realistic advice. It's very fortunate to find someone who has such an exactly similar experience.

Any doctor or psychologist will have seen umpteen cases of OCD and other illness and will recognize them for what they are - just the same as they would recognize diabetes or malaria. There is no way they would regard you as a freak, just someone who is unlucky enough to fall ill.

I can't see any way you will be stuck forever with these thoughts, and the earlier you get treatment the more quickly things will improve. Yes treatment helps, I can vouch for that, as can Summer Rose.

When you do contact medical professionals there is nothing to stop you saying up front about your preferences, with no family interaction without your permission.

It gets better

Croix

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sar3658

Thank you for posting. Once you communicate your preference and your rationale to your psychologist and mum/family, I'm hopeful it will be respected. Now you have a strategy for managing this aspect of treatment. Well done. If you want to change this approach at some time that's fine too.

With regards to your concern about opening up about your thoughts to the psychologist. Let's look at the evidence. You have opened up to me and I don't think you're a freak. I understand you are unwell because I understand the illness. I am not shocked, I am sympathetic. I know it is horrifying for you. Your psychologist will understand too. And, better yet, your psychologist will be able to help you heal.

You don't have to tell the psychologist everything at once. You may feel more comfortable taking some time to get to know him/her a bit. You also don't have to say things out loud. You can write things down. Some things you may choose to keep to yourself, I know my daughter did. If you don't get the response you need, then you find another psychologist.

I think you may be getting ahead of yourself with worries that the thoughts will be permanent and I believe your condition is causing you to think this way. Please believe me when I say that you can learn to varying degrees to banish the thoughts, ignore the thoughts, distract yourself from the thoughts or even change your thoughts.

Yes, it will take some time but look at how far you have come--even just today. You are seeking help, you are thinking about your treatment, you are asking good questions, you are talking to the bb community. You will get there.

[sar3658]

Thankyou both for your advice and kind words it's helping to much.

I just can't seem to stop the anxiety and even when I am fine and I question whether I secretly like these thoughts which seriously gives me so much more anxiety!

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sar3658

You are most welcome. From our experience, you can try a few things at home by yourself to minimise the anxiety.

Deep breathing. Mindfulness. You can download an ap; my daughter likes the Headspace meditation ap. A soothing bath. Exercise. Walk, run or do some jumping jacks to try and shake it off. Immerse yourself in computer game or good movie. Write yourself a few key phrases that you can read when you need them. For example, "I am unwell but I will get better" or "They are just thoughts and they cannot hurt me" or "I am doing all I can to get well one step at a time" or "It gets better".

You can also keep posting whenever you need to. You are on one of my "threads" now, which means I can see your posts and so can Croix. So can many other people. People that care and want to help. You are not alone.