INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS.. MAY I GET INSIGHTS PLEASE?

[dudu87]

I have these intrusive thoughts, I didn't even know my problem had a name for it. But I read about "intrusive thoughts" and I can absolutely relate to it.

I have intrusive thoughts of becoming gay. I have nothing against gay people, I have many friends who are.. And I'm not saying there is anything wrong with it.. I just get afraid I may become it, that's all.. It all started in one of my old jobs, a few years back when a lesbian took over as 2IC and then after a few weeks working with her on a morning driving to work (I remember as if it were yesterday) a thought popped up, it was related to what if I was gay?" and that's how it had started.. I even remember what intersection I was on when this all took place.. Light was red, and I was waiting to turn right onto the FWY..

Before this, I had never not once feared that I would turn gay. I was so happy with who I was, and what I had achieved (as I had anxiety before this job.. I had feared and convinced myself I was going blind.. but that's past now..)

I get paranoid that I may walk gay, talk gay, how I sound when I'm speaking to someone, try to act more manly even when I get a hair cut.... =/ I know, I'm VERY aware how silly this is..

I only get sexually aroused by woman. I see myself with woman. I see myself with a kid. It's what I always wanted since the age of 16.. I have no sexual fantasy on men at all..

I do however know when a man is good looking/handsome.. And this to be honest scares me, as I made myself believe that a straight man can not determine whether or not other men are good looking.. I get scared to speak to my psychologist about this as I fear he will straight out label me as gay, and I'm the type of person (with my anxiety) to believe stuff, and make me worse then I already am..

Deep down I know I'm straight, I just can't help but feel this uncertainty

So my questions are: Do straight men know when another man is attractive?
What exactly does in the "closet" mean? Are they afraid of what society will think, or are they afraid to be gay because they want to be straight? (I know this looks like a stupid question. And I'm sorry if I look to be ignorant, its just with this intrusive thoughts, these weird questions pop in, and remain unanswered..)

Again, please don't take me the wrong way, I help people as much as I can, I love gay people, I respect them, and they make awesome friends. It's just me and this fear, and I really want to get through this and get better..
Thank you all.

Thank you

[max_harp]

thanks for the reply Geoff , all I know is I am not gay but my mind is playing tricks on me for most of the day.

I am getting help from a phylogist and maybe meds soon to relax my mind and get back to normal.

[geoff]

hi Max Harp, is all of this anxiety being caused by these thoughts from 6 weeks ago, sometimes it's not what you are worried about but just the thought, in other words you maybe fearful of being around someone who is wearing a hat, and I'm only giving you this as an example.
What I mean by being worried about anything in particular could be anything, it may not be referring to being around who you are worried about.
Let's continue this tomorrow if you want, then I will explain what my most intrusive thought was, it's just that I logged on at 2.30 am and I think I need to log off, I'm sorry but hope to hear from you tomorrow. Geoff.

[Babyboomer]

Hi Max. Some of the thoughts I've had, although baseless, have worried me sick. It's like the thought has threatened me or who I am in some way. I try and grab hold of it and challenge it. But it's slippery and I can't seem to get the better of it, deal with it and get rid of it. It seems the more I challenge and try and analyse it, the more anxious I've became. I guess I was feeding my monster! I was too ashamed of some of the thoughts I'd had to talk to anyone about them. Eventually, I got the help I needed and began to understand more about anxiety. Be confident in who you know yourself to be! Embrace and feed those thoughts. Starve anything you know you're not. Easier said than done, but with the right help you'll get there.

take care

Babyboomer

[max_harp]

thanks for the reply , am hoping with the right help and meds I will get back on track and not overthink it so much . it is not me things don't become real after a conversation with a person.

[max_harp]

thanks for the reply , yes I am working with getting help and possibly medicated for the overthinking to calm down