I want this to stop

[Exhausted19]

I don't know where to start.

I've been in a job nearly 10 years, they aren't paying me the correct wage and they bully me. I'm planning on resigning soon once I reach my long service. I'm currently on a months sick leave as my anxiety is too much and my employers resolution was for me to just resign then and there when I handed the Drs cert in. I'm going back early Jan and I don't feel welcome.

My mum passed away 3 years ago from brain cancer and I had to deal with the loss all by myself. I guess in a way it was good it happened quick as she was diagnosed 3 months prior to her passing. It was hard visiting her in the hospital and she kept asking me when she could go home, thankfully she didn't know that she was never coming home just staying there till she died. It cut deep seeing the strong woman she was soon not recognise me and wearing adult nappies.

Soon after she passed i started to fear that i was dying. Everyday I think I'm dying. If it's not my heart beating out of my chest it's pains in my chest, thinking I can't breathe or swallow. It's taking over my life.... my only escape is when I'm asleep, if I can manage to sleep.

I am seeing a gp and a psych which has helped me a lot but my silly brain just goes off by itself sometimes and it's hard to reel it back in.

[Doolhof]

Hi Exhausted19,

Welcome to the community here at Beyond Blue. It does sound like you have a few issues happening. I am wondering if you have managed to deal with the grief of loosing your Mum. I have found some very helpful resources on Google for dealing with grief.

Your work situation does not sound all that wonderful! Is there a Government agency you can call about correct wages? I called someone once and had my work place investigated, I don't recall which Government department I contacted as it was many years ago.

This agency investigated a lot of employers in the region so it did not seem like the company I worked for was targeted alone.

My psychologist has been helping me to be more aware of when my mind is telling me unhelpful stories, to accept the chatter and try to distract myself. Sometimes it works well, other days I really have to make quite an effort.

I find if I am at home and my mind is just getting too overbearing with ridiculous thoughts, I will do a Sudoku puzzle as I just can't concentrate on the puzzle and my brain's chatter at the same time.

Hopefully you can find a distraction that will help you and be easy for you. If I am out and I am becoming distressed, I will try to think of a food starting with each letter of the alphabet.

Please know you are more than welcome to share more of how you are feeling here. I find that writing down issues can help me sort out ways to overcome them more easily.

Cheers to you from Dools