I overthought a situation and hurt someone a I care about

[_Will_]

I haven’t been doing too well for the past couple of days, and I feel unsettled about what I did. Earlier this month, a friend asked me out on a date. We were supposed to go out this Saturday, but she got sick, so we rescheduled for a different day. Later, she realised she already had plans on that day. The date sounded familiar, and I assumed it was probably an event with her friends. I left it alone at first, but I started overthinking and eventually asked, “Hey, was that the reason we had to reschedule?” Looking back, I can see that the question has sounded like I was challenging her explanation. When I realised that, I apologised. The next morning, I checked in to see if we were okay. She was upset with how I’d handled it, and the conversation went downhill. We both said things that hurt each other. I want to mention is that I have PTSD and a non-verbal learning disability (NVLD) they don't excuse what my actions or how it came across, but they do effect how I process situations and communicate. I can become anxious, overthink things, and sometimes ask questions that make sense in my head and sometimes I need  reassurance. and as well I haven't dated in 5 years which made me feel more anxious. What stayed with me most was that when I tried to clarify myself, it didn’t seem to help the situation. We apologised, but I was still left feeling hurt and frustrated with myself. This morning, I messaged her asking if we could talk. I said I was hurt that the conversation had gone the way it did, but that only made things worse. It wasn’t until one of her friends kindly explained her perspective that it clicked. I realised my question may have put her in a position where she felt she had to defend herself. I had promised myself I’d be careful not to  never put someone in that position, especially someone I was dating/seeing and I fell short of that. Now I’m waiting to hear back from her and some space for us to breathe, and I feel terrible. I care about her, and I’m sorry for the hurt this caused. Has anyone else had their words land very differently from how they intended? How do you stop overthinking and avoid making the same mistake again?

[Croix]

Dear _Will_

Welcome back to the Forum, I hope you were encouraged enough to keep on with your photography, the world needs creativity, not just mechanical images, and I feel that is what you can provide particularly as you process things in a different way.

It is only natural if you have not done much dating and you are put off twice by a person you can wonder if it is just unlucky circumstances or if it is a polite way to put you off.  This can easily build up into a real worry that it is a put off and maybe you are not that attractive to others. 

From what you said there is no real reason to think either way, - if it had been your dad you would have taken what he said at face value and not worried - and while you did talk to the person the way you put it was misunderstood. That was a pity and I've no idea if you can can salvage this particular situation, I guess in part it depends if the other person wants it too, which is not so much a reflection on you as them.

It might have been better not to try to get a definite answer from her about her intentions but simply said "I'd enjoy going out with you, please give me a call when you  can". This does not place the other person in a difficult position where they feel they have to defend themselves for putting tihngs off and lets them know you'd like to be with them. While saying this is probably too late this time if you have both said things that hurt each other it might be a situation you meet again wiht someone else.

I agree this approach does not give you a definite answer as to why there are delays, however that is not something it is realistic to expect, but does maximize the chances of things going further.

I too have PTSD, bouts of depression and anxiety and can spend a lot of time worrying that things are going to turn out badly, even when there is no real reason to think so. Frankly I can't always tell myself to be sensible and tend to act as if the worst is about to happen.

Often it takes someone else who I respect to tell me I'm not being realistic, or else how to approach something from a different way. You mentioned before you got on well with your dad and he understands the position you are in from personal expereince. This can make a great difference and I'm very glad he is there for you

If you would like to talk some more you'd be welcome

Croix

[trying_my_best]

Hi @_Will_ !

I also have a disability (ADHD) and I find my brain goes through similar thought patterns. 
“They rescheduled… why did they reschedule… don’t they like me anymore” 

However, I’ve started to learn recently that I maybe partly think that way because of my own need to over explain. When I need to reschedule something or decline plans even if I “don’t have an acceptable excuse” (eg. Not warning to leave the house- which I am also learning is a perfectly valid reason some days) I will explain essentially my whole week to give them the picture as to why I am so tired I don’t want to leave my house or why I am doing what I am doing and can’t see them until I can. And it is SO hard not to do this! I actually did the New Access Mental Health Coaching and my coach challenged me to do it once for a whole week. And I felt like the absolute worst person. But believe it or not it was fine!

This same logic can be applied to overthinking I’ve found. And again it is hard and it takes practice! I’ve also found in my relationship (my partner has autism and also struggles processing things too sometimes) that sometimes when things get heated we need to pause and have time to allow ourselves to process and we communicate this to each other. It took a lot of practice for that one too, but it was truely worth it!

I hope my response has given you some solace! 
Wishing you the best! 🫶