I'm realising that anxiety is here to stay!

[Strawberry]

Hi and thank you to everyone who reads my words, 

A first for me.  Writing on a forum.  I've been on this depression and anxiety roller coaster for most of my adult life. And just when I think I've got a handle on it, believe I'm grounded, centred and back to what I know is my truest self, it gets me again.  Maybe I ignore the signs as they build. Or, maybe I've not tuned in and connected with my feelings enough, so I'm actually kidding myself.  Whatever it is, after I lull myself back into that false sense of 'I'm all okay insecurity' it returns.  

What's irritated me the most about my most recent struggle with anxiety has been how my usual approaches have not worked.  It's back, and it feels like it's mocking me this time.  If it had a voice it would say, 'You can't just CBT me away this time. Ha! You think meditation and medication is going to defeat me? You, silly, stupid woman! Don't you know you'll never be rid of me.'

I'm tired.

I get the help I need.

I do all I can.  

It's a never ending cycle, and I suppose, I'm just going to have to accept it's always going to return!

[therising]

Hi Strawberry

My heart goes out to you so much as you struggle in so many ways. I think we can be so hard on ourself without being conscious of all the facts regarding anxiety and depression. When we're led to be more conscious, it becomes a matter of 'No wonder I'm struggling. It makes complete sense'. Certain struggles can be an absolute mongrel to make sense of, a mixed breed of emotions, thoughts, inner dialogue and so on, all rolled into one. 

Whether it's depression or anxiety, I think it pays to ask 'What exactly am I feeling the side effects of?' as opposed to asking 'What's wrong with me?'. For example, is what we're feeling a tipping point, where the load of anxiety inducing stuff or depressing stuff has tipped the scales? What does each individual weight involve on that scale? With stress and anxiety it could involve 1)a degree of exhaustion to begin with, 2)no one or nothing around to help relieve the stress or help make greater sense of it, 3)the number of little stressors, 4)the frequency with which some of them come, 5)two or more energy systems regularly interacting, such as the endocrine system (with cortisol levels) and the nervous system, 6)a new challenge that we've never had to manage before, amongst a stack of old familiar ones, 7)the sudden ability to feel in new ways, which can involve the ability to feel other people's stress or anxiety (bit of a developing empath factor there), 8)super charged inner dialogue from the stresser in us and the list goes on. So, eight things or more all rolled into one. That's a lot of stuff. No wonder the scales tip. In the past we may have only managed 3 things or 5 things or 6 but not 8 at once. This many points to a next level challenge. A next level challenge can require more skill, more energy, more support and guidance and more key revelations than ever before.

Being a 55yo gal who's more so struggled with depression than anxiety over the years, one of my major much needed revelations that came to mind at some point was 'You're cycling upwards, not simply 'round and 'round'. When I thought about it I realised how true it was. Firstly, I realised every cycle took the same form, exactly the same. Imagining it as a clock, at 12 I'm fine. By quarter past I can feel myself facing a challenge of some nature which leads me to feel a downward shift. Between quarter and half past I feel myself sinking even further, while questioning so much. At half past I realise how depressing things are, when I start to really think about them. After half past, I start moving upwards through the cycle, making greater sense of things. Btw, if there are some angering factors in there, I can start to feel anger with myself and/or with others. By about 10 to 12, I'll start hitting on all these constructive mind altering revelations that lead me to a sense of optimism, greater self understanding and some skill development. By 12 I'm good. The only thing that varies is the length of the cycle, how long I'm stuck in certain parts of it and how long it takes to complete. Given that I develop more life revelations, more self understanding and more skills, this points to constantly cycling or graduating upwards. 

With the cycle factor you mention, you could ask 'What is this cycle about? What is this cycle asking of me, in the way of greater self understanding and skill development? What kind of guide/s, support system or life structure and revelations do I need for this particular one?'. Not sure if it will be of any help but another mind altering revelation that came to me some time ago was 'You're always going to be a 'feeler', someone who has the ability to feel the stressful or depressing nature of something or someone. You need to learn how to manage that ability'. Yeah, I know, feels more like a curse than an ability at times. For a start, I find it helps to address my inner stresser or inner pessimist, 'Seriously, I can feel what you're doing to me'. On the other hand, my inner sage or whatever can be insisting 'You've got this. You've done it before and you can do it again. It's time to become more conscious'.🙂

[Strawberry]

Hi Therising, 

I really value the depth and breadth of your reply.  After reading your words, I’m seeing how much I’ve underestimated the build up, the weight and all the contributing factors. Everything you said resonates.  This one is definitely a next level challenge. I think part of it is I’m just too tired and overwhelmed to face it properly as well. While I have used my usually strategies, without success, I didn’t pause and ask why it didn’t work this time.  I just got annoyed.  As a 52 year gal… these are things I do know, but it’s also easy to miss the stuff you already know.  I’m often saying to others to try to view things about life and yourself with curiosity, I did forget to be curious and ask the questions.  The other side of this ‘cycle’ (think I prefer the word season) is on the way.  Funny how often I can be naive, or perhaps hopeful, that the anxiety and depression will stay away. It’s like thinking the sun won’t rise or that there’ll never, ever be a severe weather event again in my lifetime.  
The words and thoughts you’ve shared have been helpful. Thank you. 

[therising]

Hi Strawberry

While I've only ever experienced a couple of periods in my life with significant anxiety, during one of those periods I received a key piece of life advice. It was from my workplace manager at the time, when I handed in my resignation. She said 'Anxiety is telling you that something's got to change. You need to listen'. This was at a time in my life where I was trying to manage far more than I possibly could. She was incredibly understanding and supportive. After being fortunate enough to be able to afford to take time off from going out to work, thanks to my husband, I returned to that same job about a year later. 

It's amazing how we can go through life gradually discovering a lot of the things we struggle to live without. A sense of wonder or curiosity is definitely one of those things for me. A sense of wonder is something that can stop us from jumping to the wrong conclusions or stop us from falling short of the right ones. For example, I could say 'I'm hopeless', without wondering why I have less hope than usual. I'm stopping at the statement 'I'm hopeless'. If I was to open my mind, I could wonder 'Who or what is leading me to sense hope?'. If the answer is 'No one and nothing is leading me to feel even an ounce of it, no wonder I can't sense it'. Keeping an open mind, the question then becomes 'Who or what is going to lead me to feel that very thing I long to sense?'. There have been times where I've opened my mind and what has come in is 'Go on the Beyond Blue forums'. By following what comes to mind, I have found a sense of hope and a sense of the way forward, amongst other things. 

An open mind is a gift, as long as we know how and when to close it. While we can open it to wonder and possibility, we must close it around those who going to fill it with the kind of stuff that leads us to think little of ourself or those who are going to fill it with what builds to a tornado of stress. A ef5 stress tornado is a major weather event. Personally, not a fan🌪 😬