I can’t stop wanting a baby

[JG170421]

Hi all,

I am new to the forum, but I was hoping to get some advice. My fiancée and I have been together for 4 years in December and are getting married in April, but I have been dreaming about having a child to call my own. I have a niece and nephew and had an unplanned pregnancy a few years ago that did not work out. I’ve spoken to my fiancée numerous times about having a baby sooner rather than later (meaning moving up our timeline) but he keeps saying that he isn’t ready or says that he just wants to wait a little bit longer. As I have anxiety, depression and c-ptsd, I am worried that the feelings I have been having are going to impact my mental health dramatically. All I keep seeing all of the time are photos of all of my friends newborns or baby stuff advertised on Facebook and it always hurts my heart to a point where it feels like it’s going to break. I don’t know what to do. I understand my fiancée not being ready, but I’m not sure if he understands how it makes me feel. Has anyone got any advice that they can give me on this topic?

thanks

[Aaronsis]

Hi JG170421

Welcome to the forum and I am so sorry to hear how much this is hurting your heart and how much this is consuming your thinking and also causing you worry about your mental health.

The first things that come to my mind is to tell you the very things that you don't want to hear, so I am not going to do that...however one thing I do want to say is please try to enjoy this time pre wedding, you will hopefully have one wedding so try to enjoy all the planning and all the excitement that goes with your special day. It would be really sad to look back in a few years time when you are possibly holding a baby and those feelings of anxiety and desperation to have one have passed, and you look back at this time with sadness as you don't remember the lead up to your big day and all the things that go with as it you were looking in another direction.

It is so hard, so very hard, to want and to pine for something that you just cannot have, it is frustrating and even can cause anger and resentment to your partner for not coming on board and giving you what you want. We do have to think about his feelings too though and just as you are really ready, more than ready to take this next step with him and have a baby, he is not. He may be feeling the very same things you are but in reverse, with anxiety over how his life changes and how your relationship changes and this has to be considered too.

The thing to remember here too is that he is not saying he does not want a baby, he is saying just not right now. So that too is really great in that you know that when the time is right you will be able to move to this stage of your relationship and grow your family, that it will happen and you will get the child you are so desperately seeking right now. I hear you, I hear how much this consumes you, it really is hard but try to put it into the "next" bucket...focus on your wedding plans, focus on having the times you have with just you and your partner as things do change when you have a baby, he may already be worried he may take a back seat in the relationship for awhile when a child is born.

I said I wouldn't say all these things as I know you are here for some support on how to manage this time...my advise would be to try to enjoy today, knowing a baby will come tomorrow...you don't want to miss today tho!

Hugs to you

Sarah

[Emmen]

Hello JG170421,

I completely understand how it feels to be inundated with newborn photos and baby advertisements. Social media can affect our thinking in ways we don't even understand. Simply having a niece and a nephew may not have had this big an impact on you, but now, you're also seeing posts on social media that suggests that everyone is fulfilled by a child. So you too start feeling like this is the time to have a baby.

The thing to remember is that every individual's life is different, we each meet our milestones at different points in time. What you see on social media shouldn't be the basis for a disagreement between you and your fiance. Having a baby requires both parents to be ready, and if your fiance isn't, then as a couple, you both are not ready either.

I understand how you feel and I know my reply is not what you want to hear. But patience is the best way forward. Perhaps your fiance wants to enjoy married life with you first before adding a child to the family. And that's okay, you shouldn't rush him. He never said he didn't want a baby, he just wants to wait a bit first.

I wonder if you'd like to deactivate Facebook until you feel better. I do this every now and then and find that it works wonders for me. You can also consider getting a pet, it may help you feel like your family is more complete and distract you from the thoughts that are bothering you.

Take care,
M