Help.. am I just painfully shy or do I have social anxiety

sociallyawks · ‎15-03-2015

Hi all,

I am a 37 year old gay man and I'm not sure if Im just painfully shy or have social anxiety. I need some help.

I avoid situations where there are lots of people (it exhausts me), going to parties where I dont know anyone and I really hate going to bars or night clubs and It think its all due to this social anxiety. I just blame it on the bar saying I hate the kind of people that go there but really its me feeling anxious about it.

An example of this was last week. I went to a friends softball game to support them. Not knowing anyone I retreated into my shy self and was afraid to speak to anyone preferring to stand away from everyone under a tree. When I did I felt like what I was saying must have been not funny, not interesting and they all must be thinking who is this guy anyway. I had no confidence to introduce myself even though I knew a few people there from social media. I had no confidence to go up to anyone or strike a conversation. Then after I left I just felt so bad at how I had behaved in that 1 hour that I felt like an idiot and its no wonder people wouldnt want to know me when I act like that. I probably came across disinterested.

Knowing what the gay community can be like I have always felt like you're always under scrutiny and being judged on your body, clothes, job, car, money etc etc.

I am in a relationship as have been for 9 years now and have no problem when it comes to being social with people I know in small groups. But over time I have lost all of my friends, our friends now are my partners friends from before we met. My problem now is I really dont know how to go about finding my own new friends when I am so anxious about talking to new people and being social.

I really just feel at a loss as to what to do next. I dont want to be that socially anxious or painfully shy person. I know I am a good person but people dont get to see it as I retreat into my shy self .

Please help. what can I do?

Cymru · ‎15-03-2015

I don't think anyone could tell if you have a social anxiety issue from a post. You may, but it is rare. It is easy enough to ask your doctor for a referral to psychologist to find out ... regardless, they can walk you through techniques that may help ...

but not preferring noisy bars or large crowds ...that is nothing unusual ... I'm a tad deaf so such environment is difficult ... I like Blues bars but listen and don't try to talk ... I do dinner parties ... I havea social etiquette book from the 1880s which advises the ideal dinner party is 5-8. A friend of mineand I use to arrange dinners where there had to beodd numbers and we'd include the token couple. I also have to do crowds for a living - I teach adults atTAFE ...you can sometimes do things in one circumstance but not others ... I teach folk to leran onelame joke and tell that ... most folk rely on the weather ... you should never talk about politics,religion or sex with folk you met ... so I opt to discuss all three ...I also wear a different flag pin each day for the students to guess what country ... I suspect that most of my students don't realîse I'm insular and diagnosed with depression ...I work it trying to fix such.

Tell, us. How did you met your partner.I assume you spoke a some stage? You can reinforce your success.

geoff · ‎16-03-2015

dear Sociallyawks, welcome to the site and thanks for posting your concern.

What I can gather from your comment is that you feel a tad guilty of being gay, which I can't understand, because everyone is entitled to how they feel, and by being gay means that there is nothing wrong and that you should be proud of who you are.

People make comments and even about the guy who is going out with A because she is so dominating in their relationship or vice-versa.

People always talk, no one can stop this, whether they talk behind your back or in front of you, people comment on me and what I'm doing or not doing, but I agree with Cymru that sex, politics and religion are really a no no.

We all make friends then we may lose them so it's like a revolving door as we may meet people if we are doing a course and when it finishes we always say we'll keep in touch or give me a ring, but invariably this happens, so we move on. Geoff.

justinok · ‎16-03-2015

Mate I know the feeling. I'm a gay man around your age. I don't go out to social stuff much anymore, and find it hard to go up and introduce myself to strangers. Just the other weekend I spent half an hour trying to psych myself up to do it at an event and ended up going home because I just started feeling sick.

I think the key is convincing someone to go along with you to things and help break the ice, you're lucky to have a partner you can ask to go to things with you. Can you do that?

sociallyawks · ‎16-03-2015

Thanks for your response Geoff but I am 100% comfortable with who I am and have been out since my early 20s. So I don't feel I have guilt about that

I met my partner at Mardi Gras so it was after many drinks. I am not a big drinker so I am not keen on using that as a method of gaining courage either as I know thats now the right way to do it either

sociallyawks · ‎16-03-2015

Hey Justinok,

Thanks for your suggestion. I just need to find some people I guess I can open up to about it so they are aware. I just dont want to be always the social dunce that people feel they need to hand hold.

My partner can go to lots of things but is also a shift worker so it doesnt always work. I need to branch out and expand my own circle

justinok · ‎16-03-2015

This is a more common problem than you might think, so yeah if you are able to open up to others about it you could be surprised by the response you get. I have some good mates that are the same as me, and we tend to stick together at social events.

You can run the risk of appearing aloof and disinterested, but try not to worry about what other people think.

MisterM · ‎16-03-2015

I have these feelings too. Always not sure what to say to people, can hardly make small talk with strangers or people I am not close to/hardly know.
I never introduce myself or join in groups.
I have been told I have social anxiety.

Big crowds freak me out too.
I don't know how I can ever be able to make new friends or find a girlfriend.

AndrewP · ‎16-03-2015

Hi Sociallyawks,

From what I can hear there are a few limiting beliefs that you may have. I have had social anxiety before and overcome it and also work with social anxiety so I can suggest a few things.

A lot of the time with social anxiety we are caught up with WHO WE THINK WE NEED TO BE in this world in order to be loved, belong and be accepted. It could be taking you a lot of energy to be this person who you think you need to be.

A lack of self-love, self-trust and not backing yourself also come into play with social anxiety. Sometimes people over analyse or over worry about things rather than just trusting that they will be true to themselves in whatever the situation may be. One of the reasons people struggle with the self-trust is because they are caught up in the WHO THEY THINK THEY NEED TO BE so trusting yourself to be that doesn't really match up.

If you're able to let go of who you think you need to be and be who you are then I'm confident you will see changes in yourself and your life.

When you get anxious ask yourself: what is it that I'm worrying about? for what reason am I worrying about this?

Also ask yourself how the worries you have work for you because they do work for you on some level (even as illogical as that sounds) otherwise you wouldn't be holding onto them.

Thanks, please don't hesitate to ask some questions, happy to help.

sociallyawks · ‎18-03-2015

Thanks Andrew,

Yep I can relate to what you've said. I do very much worry about what others think and over think a lot of things. Especially in social situations then criticize myself after for how I performed.

I guess in a way you do stop being you and try being what you think others think or expect.