Great Difficulty / Unable to Work (Teacher)

[SheridanF]

Hello!
I completed my Bachelor of Education (Primary) in March and was able to start working as a relief teacher four weeks ago. I have completed two days (same class - they are a beautiful bunch - other teachers told me this was a rare case and laughed), I was extremely anxious and on edge the entire days due to new responsibility & expectations. I was then given an eleven day contract, after the two hours I had a panic attack and was unable to finish the day or contract (the class has a lot of high needs and behavioural issues - however is something I know I could handle when in the right headspace). I haven't been called in to work at any school since which is kind of a relief but also makes me worried.
I love the education world, the four walls of a classroom has never enticed me, but this is where I am at in terms of my career and the flexibility / little work pressure of a relief teacher should be within my capacity.

I have been having a really difficult time not worrying and have been spiralling about either not being able to work (due to anxiety) or working and having another panic attack. My goal is to relief teach 1-3 days per week and be able to enjoy my days when I am not working doing things that are productive (instead of being stuck in bed). I would ideally like a to work part-time in a classroom so I had consistency with my environment, kids and expectations - however that is an almost impossible job to attain as a Gold Coast graduate.

I am fortunate to not have to stress too much about financial stability, but want to live a PURPOSEFUL life. I am marrying my best friend in July and I know that he is worried about my ability to bring in a form of income (so we can save for a house deposit) and not wanting me at home all the time because it doesn't help my mental state.

Any advice & support is greatly appreciated. Thankyou!

[Croix]

Dear SheridanF~

Welcome to the Forum. It sounds as if that start of that particular new venture was too much. I say that particular one as you have been able to do other things. Being overwhelmed and unable to go on in the circumstances would have been a most upsetting and worrying thing. As a result it would be only natural to start doubting yourself, which would be a real pity.

Completing a BEd(Primary) is no small thing, requiring aptitude, and the ability to see something though long term. Similarly sustaining a close relationship that can lead from friendship to marriage says a lot about you too.

So I've a couple of questions if you don't mind. The first is have you seen a doctor about your anxiety? Anything that causes you not to function or yields panic attacks really needs to be properly examined, diagnosed and possibly treated. If you are not seeking treatment I'd strongly suggest now would be an excellent time to start.

Secondly I noticed you said "the four walls of a classroom has never enticed me". Have you considered other fields of education that do not leave you tied to a classroom? As someone who at least for a while can engage in activities of a remote, voluntary or poorly paid basis you might find something that does not immediately tie you up with anxiety.

On a more personal front do you have people -such as your fiancé - to understand and support you? Trying to face adversity alone is so much harder.

Croix

[SheridanF]

Hi Croix,

Really appreciate your reply.
I have been on two different types of medication for anxiety however neither have benefited me. I don't take any form of medication normally so am trying to get through without the band aid of medication.
I see my psychologist every month and have been clinically diagnosed with anxiety. She's the best and I use a lot of CBT and other strategies throughout my days to try and ground and calm my spirit.

I have considered other forms of education, I guess relief teaching is just the most convenient and natural step as a graduate. I would do a bit more research and see what else is possible in my area.

My partner and few friends are a great support system. I am very grateful.
It's one of those guilt-factor things when I have a great support group, see my psychologist regularly, practice an abundance of techniques, exercise and eat really well. Yet... I am still so crippled by anxiety and self-worth issues that I struggle so much with work and genuine self-love / care.

[Croix]

Dear SheridanF~

Anxiety is an illness precisely because it occurs even though one is in a good environment. If it was a result of terrible circumstances then it would maybe be logical and rational. There is no fault involved and no guilt, despite what you feel. It just happens to some.

Having a supportive and understanding partner is a great thing. My partner was an incredible help when I became ill. You sound as if you are doing the right things to make your life more stress free. Do you do things you enjoy just for their own sake? I think that is important for a couple of reasons, it can take the mind away from everyday life, and it is something to look forward to each day. Also receiving a regular reward like that is good for self esteem, or at least it works for me.

I'll also mention the thread

Forums / Anxiety / SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING ANXIETY

Which while long has a lot of information that has helped me to reduce my anxiety.

Please do come back and talk whenever you wish

Croix

[stroppytom]

Hi Sheridan. I was a teacher for more than twenty five years but because of a terrible set of circumstances and a particularly unpleasant situation at my school I had to stop working. My psychiatrist then took over and I was eventually pensioned off. First, don't blame yourself. Anxiety syndrome is a weird thing because it can happen to anyone and it may or may not have a generating incident or situation behind it. You have an illness...just like someone might have diabetes. Now with the right treatment you may find that you can cope and perform your duties as a teacher. If that doesn't work out then all you need to do is stay in the emergency teaching side of things and work the days you feel you can work and take the other days off as required.

Relief teachers earn a good wage these days AND you have the luxury of not having to worry about keeping assessment records, writing reports and attending long and dreary staff meetings. You go into a classroom in the morning...follow the teacher's work program and then go home. My suggestion is to stay on as an emergency teacher and let that work help build up your confidence before you apply for an ongoing position or contract. Get involved with an emergency teacher agency who will find work for you. Always remember that the anxiety is NOT YOUR FAULT. It's an illness every bit as real as having the flu.

[quirkywords]

Sheridan,

I too want to welcome you to the forum.

Croix and Stroppy have given your helpful supportive replies.

I did relief teaching after going back as a mature age student and I found it stressful at times. I also found that other teachers who had been doing casual teaching for many years also found it difficult at times. So you are not alone.

I think just taking one or two days of teaching at a time and that will help you be prepared .

I am not sure how many schools are in your area , and if you would feel more confident in a smaller school. I dont know the Qld system but in NSW years ago you went to different schools and put your name down so you could choose the schools.

You are obviously very dedicated and smart and determined.

I am not sure if there is a distance education centre near you or what opportunities they offer.

I was wondering did you always have anxiety or did it become worse when you started teaching? Did you experience anxiety /panic attacks during your practice teaching as part of your degree?

Thanks for being open and honest and sharing your experience.

Quirky