Getting off my chest

[member2023]

Hey guys,

I have been with my partner for just over 2 years and have recently purchased an engagement ring. Our relationship has been great and I have never doubted it at all. Since buying the ring due to everything becoming real and taking big steps I have had some engagement anxiety. This anxiety has started making my brain look for reasons I shouldn't be with my partner who I love very much and want to marry her. One of the reasons is that I have a friend at work that is a girl who I'm sort of close with, I have not really had man female work friends before so this is all new to me. The anxiety is telling me that I can't be with my partner due to being friends with the girl at work. I do not have any feelings with the girl at work. Why is my brain doing this? 

[geoff]

Hello Member, of course this can happen with people, but imagine if it was the opposite then you'd think exactly the same, and sometimes this could 'intrusive thinking', so google this and see whether it applies with you and there is no harm feeling this way, it just has to be discussed with a counsellor.

Buying an engagement ring doesn't mean that a wedding has to take place, or it could be made for a year or so, then that will tell you whether this is what you want and remember having a feeling for someone at work doesn't necessarily mean that the two of have similar interests, it might be a crush and even when we are married we always seem to have a liking for another person, but that's as far as it goes.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[jaz28]

Hi there,

Getting engaged is certainly a big step and you have a right to be nervous, but this seems a little intrusive, especially if you know that you love your partner very much and want to spend the rest of your life with them. But with that said, if this isn’t what you want then you should not lead your partner on.

Have you spoken to a mental health professional about this?

I hope things get better,

Jaz xx

[therising]

Hi member2023

I feel so deeply for you as you find yourself in a state of such horrible torment. Torment can be such a brutal thing, having a major impact on our nervous system.

Being a soulful gal, I tend to look more so at my brain as simply being a 'processor' or 'computer'. While it automatically processes or computes everything that's needed to keep my heart beating, lungs functioning etc etc (without me having to give such things a thought), it also processes or computes situations, belief systems, feelings etc. Such things do require thought and that's where things can become tormenting.

Looking at your brain as a kind of computer, I've found the question becomes 'What programs do I need to be deleting?'. One mental program may dictate people should be married within a year of being engaged. Delete that one, throw it in the trash. As Geoff touched on, a healthy program to install may be 'We will give ourselves more than a year and accumulate some savings before we walk down the aisle'. As long as your partner has the same program running, not a problem.

I can't help but wonder whether what you're processing is something along the lines of 'Once I'm married, I can never explore an intimate relationship with another woman. That possibility will cease to be'. If this does happen to be the case, consider installing the program (belief) 'My wife will always remain the #1 most fascinating woman to me. We will develop interests together over time, ones that lead me/us to find each other truly inspiring, fascinating and wonderful. We'll evolve together in incredible ways that bring so many new facets of us to life, in ways that I can't yet see. I can't wait to see how we evolve'. Could take decades for you both to become uninteresting to each other. Could take 60 years or it may never happen. You may forever find each other truly fascinating.

Love is found in evolution. As long as you are evolving together, you are loving each other to life in so many ways. The wedding is just a part of that overall evolution.

Happy travels to you both on this incredible path.