Freaking Out - Suggestions?

[Lehnah]

Hello folks. It's my first time posting here but I've been a lurker for some time. So, before I get into the actual reason for posting a little background info. I was diagnosed with depression about seven years ago. It's been hard, but I've managed to control it for the most part for the past five years with the help of medication. However, there have been instances of

self harm and very black moments where suicide has been strongly considered. However, for the last two years or so things have been good.

Now, though, I'm finding myself falling back into the

darker moments. The catalyst for this is that I recently found out that my licence is going to be revoked for three months. I was caught speeding while driving in an area I did not know while trying to keep up with the flow of surrounding traffic. I'm on my Ps so lost all 7 points. The silver lining here is that the months I'll be unable to drive is December through to March. 

I'm a casual school teacher, so those months are when I wouldn't be working anyway, with the exception of February, but as I'm casual that might be only the last two weeks or so of that month.

 However, with the HSC now done there is little to no work for casual teachers for the rest of 2014. I've tried to save as much as I can over the last year to have enough to get by over this period but due to one big even in my life I wasn't able to save as much as I would have liked. But now I look at my funds and while I thought I was doing a good job of saving I'm feeling that I should have done a better one. Basically,

I' m scared I'm not going to have enough money to eat (but I can pay the rent).

 On top of this I've just started a new relationship and

I' m scared that I'm going to scare this girl off because of my depression and anxiety (I don't think I have an anxiety "problem," but I'm experiencing it due to the reasons stated above). She's great, but it can be a hard thing to handle when your partner has depression. 

 Also I've told my parents about

losing my licence. Dad was fine and supportive but my mum seems angry. She can be quite judgmental and often makes me feel somewhat worthless, even if she doesn't intend to. All of these things have amounted into me only just keeping things together. 

 The thoughts of "everyone would be better off without me" have started up again. I'm not wanting to leave the house. I feel ashamed and pathetic and like a criminal. 

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[Doolhof]

Hi Lehnah,

Thanks for sharing your story here, you have a few things going on right now so I hope you are able to find the help and assistance you need here at Beyond Blue.

Firstly, as you are starting to be concerned about how depressed you are and  due to having thoughts of suicide, I would highly recommend you go and see your Dr to discuss these issues with them.

If you feel life is really too much of a struggle, then please pick up the phone and call someone. Talk to your Dad, call a friend and tell them you need some help right now, call Life Line or Beyond Blue. I think there is a suicide number you can call as well. Or go to the Emergency department of a hospital and tell them you need help.

Please don't keep thinking the world would be better off with out you as that is only your depressed brain telling you that.

It will be a little difficult not having a licence, but it is only for three months and not three years. Are you in an area where there is public transport? Do you live close to your parents? If you have a job are they able to assist you if needed with driving you to your work place?

Is it possible for you to find some other kind of temporary employment in your area if there are no causal teaching jobs available to you? Just something to help you through this lean time?

Regarding your girlfriend, maybe look up depression on the net, find ways for you to cope with it better and then tell your girlfriend how you are feeling. She might be able to sense something is not right anyway. It would be best to tell her before she jumps to the wrong conclusion and thinks there is something wrong with your relationship.

From what you wrote, you did not intentionally speed, so there is no need to feel ashamed or like a criminal.

Try to think of people who may be able to help and assist you: professionals, family, friends, organisations like Beyond Blue, phone help lines, the Beyond Blue webchat, Drs. counsellors, Life Line and so on.

There is help out there, you may just need a little assistance to get moving in the right direction again.

Please keep in touch, and let me and others know how yo are going.

From Mrs. Dools

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Lehnah,

Thank you for posting. I am a father of five and my eldest boy is a lot like you describe yourself.

As a dad, I have to say, "Don't be so hard on yourself!" Mate, you made a mistake. As an adult, we have to be responsible for our mistakes and you are learning how tough that can be. You have done your license for a few months but hopefully will be back on track and a more attentive driver when you get it back. I know your folks won't see you go hungry! I'm pretty sure your girl will be supportive of you.

You are a young man with a whole life ahead of you. Please don't consider such a drastic course of action to these hiccups life has thrown at you. You have a responsible job and seem like a switched on bloke.

What would you tell a student who came to you and told you the same story about himself? Please mate, ride out the storm, keep in touch with us on here and we'll hold it together until you're back on track.

Someone told me once that life many problems are the pebbles that cover the path you walk. Hold one up close to your face and it seems like a huge rock and unmanageable. Throw it back down with the rest and it is just another pebble to step on along with the others.

I hope I have been able to help you a bit because you have so much to look forward to in the years and decades ahead!

Kind regards, John.

[Lehnah]

Hey John,

 Thanks a lot of that, it was really nice to read. I've been okay this last day, calmed down a bit and been ably to process things a little better. I'm still rather shaken, but I think I should be able to manage. 

 I think another part of my "problem" is that, as much as I try not to, I do worry what others might think. For example, I'm dreading telling my mates who I play cards with a few times a week that I won't be able to make it for three months because of the licence thing. Similarly, my gardparents have always held me in high regard (I'm not sure why, possibly because I was their first grandchild,) and I'm really scared of disappointing them. I think that's the big thing, the fear of disappointing people. I was almost not going to tell my parents because of this but decided to do s anyway. I'l have to tel my card buddies soon, but I'm not looking forward to it.

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Lehnah,

Can I give you a tip with your mates? Tell 'em you stuffed up! They'll get it. I have been playing cards with the same blokes for twenty five years and you'll probably be doing the same and in years to come will laugh about this. Why don't you offer to "host" the card night for the next few months, or get a lift off one? Believe me, your mates will rib you about it but they won't think less of you. They never know when they'll stuff something up and need your understanding. Trust me on this.

With your grandparents, I am sure they will admire you acknowledging your mistake and taking responsibility for it. Grandparents want nothing more than for their grandchildren to be okay. (I have a grand daughter.) Do you really think they didn't make mistakes when they were younger? Get grand dad alone for an hour or so and I'll bet he'll tell you stories of his youth that you won't believe!

There is a saying, "Never explain yourself. Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it.”― Ziad K. Abdelnour, Economic Warfare: Secrets of Wealth Creation in the Age of Welfare Politics

Keep posting, mate, you'll get there. 

Kind regards, John.

[geoff]

dear Lehman, the mates you play cards with will only say 'say la vie', they won't care one bit, and by saying that it's not how I am meaning it, but they will have a laugh at you, not to tease you, but only to make silly comments just to make the others laugh.

Is it more anxiety than depression, because you sound to be a sensible than you may believe, OK we all make mistakes but sometimes it's all caused by circumstances, it's no different than coming down a hill and the car just happens to spend up, which you don't know about and then bang, a speed camera is there because they know that it will happen to many drivers, and unless you haven't been booked your a certain chance to be nabbed, of course this is to make the roads safer, and not a money cruncher/earner.

I would not feel as though it's by any circumstances something that you will be teased about, not like I was for losing it for 2 years, but I was depressed and well over .05. Geoff.