Feeling really disconnected from myself

[PsychedelicFur]

Hello everyone.

First and foremost I have very high functioning autism. And lately, for most of this year I have been working on survivor mode and autopilot.

I feel incredibly disconnected from myself. Each day I barely get dressed properly. I take two showers a day. I feel completely overwhelmed. I am flying through university, as I am an overachiever. However, with every spare second I get to myself I just feel so utterly drained and emotionally exhausted.

Unfortunately, I have to mask myself for my university classes.

I have to do a one year pathway in order to get into the degree that I want.

The pathway is heavily sports orientated. And I am flying through it. Even though I am certainly not a sports person!

I have roughly under six weeks left and then I can get my Diploma.

I’ve been masking for YEARS. And I had never realised it. I mask my autistic traits so some of the Neuro typical people, around me in my course, don’t feel so uncomfortable. It’s frustrating. Working in groups to complete assessments can be utterly debilitating and taxing, on my psychological health too. I find that - conversing with unfamiliar people can make me really want to step away and become even more reserved. More specifically, if they don’t react in a positive light. I’m actively working on this trait of mine though.

I just feel so disconnected from my body, soul and spirit. I feel drained. I enjoy my university work, of course. As it temporarily distracts my mind of my mundane thoughts.Or somewhat at least. I love actually creating the work. And I am successfully passing, so that is amazing!!

Consequently though, when I don’t have online classes or it’s the weekend - I just feel so deprived of sometimes sleep, energy and motivation.

I know it will all be so worth it in the long run though. I can feel it. I just feel so mentally frustrated and drained at the moment. I am hoping that it will all pass soon though ...

PF.

[white knight]

Hi

I have cycles of moods (I'm bp2) and depression but luckily they dont last long. I'm of the belief that many people with MI have cycles.

Such cycles can be stopped with life's events entering like when you graduate and find a job in your career, a boost as such. These things can elevate you and put you on a plateau. Then there is the fairness aspect. Being fair to yourself doesnt come naturally, like all the study you've done while enduring Asperger's is an incredible feat. Being fair is to admire yourself and once finished your Diploma, rest up a few days/weeks before moving onto the next challenge.

Faith plays a large part in our lives. Faith in a carer, your abilities and faith that a cycle will move around to the next phase. So when down think that it will pass.

An old friend used to say "have you watched a flower bloom? Yes I's say. But like a sunset, a flower takes an hour to bloom...now, have you watched a flower bloom"?

It's possible you are missing out on the spirit of the soul that gets you back to a safety point in your thinking, a safe place in times of stress and boredom. If I'm right then try youTube videos of Prem Rawat Maharaji. He has dozens and they helped me for many years.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-peDvmjkF6s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X30sWycWz4o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpfuMFsBgNk

I hope that helps

TonyWK

[Croix]

Dear PsychedelicFur~

It's nice to hear from you, even if the reasons are not all good. It's also impressive that you have nearly attained your Diploma, though I'm not sure it is as amazing as you think, you have formidable talents and application:)

Will this lead on to a further course of study? If so as TonyWK says a break will be good - in lots of ways . Holding that mask in place is very taxing, it takes thought and energy and being constantly on guard, it also has (at least in my case) the insidious effect of coming to believe that if you have to hide yourself then there must be something wrong - not the case.

Masks have their place I guess, and do act as social 'oil' and stop awkward questions, but come at a cost.

What do you find worst about dealing with new people? I found when studying is something that takes a lot of energy and can also lead one to feeling awkward. It is always a challenge for some, particularly the more sensitive. And trying to work with a group on a project can be very frustrating if either your contribution is ignored, or some slack off, and sometimes one takes over everything. All pitfalls to try to cope with.

So when you get home can I ask what you have up your sleeve to counteract the feelings of the day? Do you have a routine? Hopefully also something to look forward to each day as well, I know you like music -can that help?

As for missing the work, maybe this could be becuse you are so bound up in it - you are an overachiever after all. Can you plan to fill some of your time wiht something completely the opposite to take you attention and interest? Although you are not a sports person some form of physical activity might hit the spot. What do you think?

I am sure things will pass, after all there is only 6 weeks in this bout, and even if you have to wait that length of time at least there is an ending in sight.

Croix

[PsychedelicFur]

I’m tired of self sacrificing. Today was a little bit overwhelming, frustrating and quite frankly - massively emotionally exhausting.
A few people from an organisation that I was once involved with were making me feel really uncomfortable, today especially.
A narcissistic family member of mine use to be involved, as a very close friend, with that particular crowd. And fortunately I am no longer in contact with that emotionally abusive relation anymore. Because obviously it is better for my psychological health. Plus life has honestly been a lot less uncertain since I have had no contact with that particular person.

These individuals at this particular organisation know this. And they were really very close to this particular relation of mine that was really mean towards me and others.
Today, they were becoming really forceful about getting some private information of mine from me. And the first time they asked, we (myself and someone else close to me) told these particular people to please stop as we don’t personally feel very comfortable. They know about the stress and trauma that we have experienced with this particular relation of ours. And they have hardly considerate and understanding. Instead they have become somewhat forceful and a little ignorant.
Anyway, this afternoon one of the individuals sent a text. Second time stating that they want this information ‘immediately’
We stood our ground!
It certainly is such a liberating feeling. I wish they just took ‘no’ for an answer.
it isn’t necessary information that needs to be required right now. And they have other means of contact such as text, email, phone or social media.
After experiencing so much psychological abuse from this relation... I don’t want her to know where I live.
And I just don’t think I can trust these people at the organisation as they have shown me in the past that they are somewhat untrustworthy. From past observations, these particular individuals thrive on spreading other people’s information and drama around.
It’s such a strong and intense stomach feeling too. It is similar to a twist or a knot! Tight and intense.
I wish some people would just take “no” as a valid response and move on! And they were not accepting of our current decision. At the moment, we do not feel comfortable disclosing that type of information to them. Because I do not want that narcissistic family member to know where I live. As no contact has been working wonderfully..

PF

[Croix]

Dear PsychedelicFur~

There is no need for me to say anything, you have stood to your rights, have a clear idea of the situation and are acting wisely.

The will and resolve to do this is admirable, I'd have you on my side without hesitation anytime in similar circumstances.

Keep on truckin'

Croix

[PsychedelicFur]

Hey Croix, hope you are well. How are you going? Thank you for the thoughtful and lovely responses. 😃

[PsychedelicFur]

Thank you so much White Knight for the thoughtful and very insightful response.
How are you?