Feeling out of my depth and anxious in a foreign country

[Lily_28_]

Hi all/anyone who is reading this thread.

It has been a while since I have been on here, maybe that is because I was doing better? Maybe I was busy and distracted? Who knows. Anyway, I am now 27 and still suffer from anxiety and depression and have been on medications since I was 19.

Over the years I have gone through the motions of losing my best friend through suddenly dying, losing a relationship, losing friends etc etc. Have gone through and tried to deal with that the best I can. In the past year, my partner went for a job on the other side of the world, I have finished university (yay, only took numerous more years!)and my god daughter was born. I felt great for a while there. I am now situated on the other side of the world, as you got it, my partner got the job and here we are for 18months. I am so happy for him for this new step in his career and everything, but I am not feeling too happy about being here. Sure, it's beautiful etc in europe, but its not what I want or need. I have had to give up my job, friends, family, pets etc and move to a place where it's going to be hard to get a job as im not very bilingual, and I dont know anyone etc. I feel so out of my depth and scared I guess you could say. I have panic attacks in the supermarket just trying to see what certain foods are as I do not know the language, and I also have food allergies. Some would say im so lucky and so fortunate to have an amazing partner who is supportng me, but i do not want to just live off of him, and being able to support myself , and feel my own achievements. I used to be great at my job, I want to feel that again. Otherwise, I'm just the 'unemployed/depressed/anxious' girlfriend.

Has anyone ever done this move or something similar and can offer me any support?

[jess334]

Hi Lily28

Welcome back to the forums. It's great that you remembered us here and came back.

I did a similar move when I was 20. I met a guy backpacking around Australia and moved to the UK to be with him.

It was really hard not knowing anyone, finding a job, and basically starting from scratch. Although in my case there was no language barriers. I had only been with that guy for 6 months, so no surprise that relationship crashed and burned. But I really enjoyed the travel that I got to do and now I look back on that experience without regret.

I understand wanting to find a job evening if you dont need the money. Being unemployed is so boring. Plus working could help you meet people and feel a bit more integrated into the community.

Can you do a short language course just to get the basics down? It might make you feel a bit more secure, especially when buying food.

Keep posting. Jess

[Lily_28_]

Hi Jess,

thank you so much for your reply, it helps to see other perspectives to my own situation. Did you stay over in the UK once the relationship was over, or did you return home?

At this stage I am only here for 18months, but being only week 3 in, I miss my family etc so much, I dont know how people normally do this and survive?!

My anxiety is through the roof, while my partner is at work all I want to do is sleep and switch off, for I am beyond mentally and physically exhausted, although, I was just on a course of antibiotics, so thinking that may have something to do with it?

I have downloaded an app to do basic language training, but then looking at jobs is becoming so daunting, because they all want someone who is proficient in Dutch/German or French as well as English...well that counts me out! I have a uni degree and certificates, but feel like these are useless over here when I am not even proficient in their language. I am so embarressed, I was on minimum wage while studying to get here, have not much money at all, but how can I ever let my aware of how bad I feel? He has some idea as he knew I was not earning very much at all, along with the never ending medical costs, but yeah, it is so hard I dont ever want to be a 'mooch' I like and need to contribute.

[jess334]

Hi Lily,

My relationship sort of exploded when I found out that my partner was an alcoholic. I tried to stay and help him for a little while, but when he continued to refuse to believe he had a problem, I wanted to leave. He had no problem emotionally blackmailing me though so I ended up having to sneak out while he was at work one day. Luckily I had family in the UK to go to and I stayed there until I could get a flight home to Australia. I think if the relationship had ended in a different way I would have been excited to travel, but as it was I was pretty depressed and anxious and just wanted to be home.

18 month would go by so quick if you were having fun, but if you are struggling with anxiety then time can feel like it is slowing down. I missed my mum heaps too. We have a very close relationship so it was difficult to be away from her. I emailed her pretty much every day and we Skyped regularly.

If you are still recovering from being sick then that definitely could contribute to you feeling exhausted! Give yourself some time to get better. If you need to sleep then sleep! If this goes on for another week though then maybe it is more depression than physical illness.

Maybe you can contribute in different ways while you are not working? Is there somewhere that you can volunteer your time? Being out in the community might help you pick up the language better and also give you something to do. You could also consider furthering your studies online.

Kind thoughts, Jess

[Guest_2496]

Hi Lily

Could you maybe do some English tutoring?

[Lily_28_]

Hi Annie,

Unfortunately because I don't know their language it wouldn't be possible I don't think. Great idea though

[Guest_2496]

Hi again Lily

A long time ago I lived in a country where I couldn't speak the language and what I ended up doing was tutoring four small children. Their parents dropped them after school and we just did things like go through the alphabet and numbers and play games. I had no teaching experience and so it was more like child minding than anything but they did end up learning some English. (it was set up by someone at my ex's work place)

Another option could be doing a certificate in teaching English as a Foreign Language. Depending on where you are you may be able to do it there and then go on to teach adults in community college - you don't need their language to do it.

Not sure any of that is available to you of course...how are things now?

[Lily_28_]

Oh wow, I am so sorry Annie, I never saw the notification that you replied back to me, and honestly, I have not been very good at checking in.

My working VISA finally came through after April, but I was to come home to Australia the start of May, then as soon as I returned I have been travelling with my partner and his relatives or friends ever since. The first weekend off, I slept about 18 hours out of the day, I was just so over it and mentally and physically spent. Haven't got a job as there has not been any time in between previous booked engagements etc, and now my parents in law are due to arrive in the next couple weeks, which has my anxiety so high as I am just worrying about how they will judge me and the living situation with my partner (as we did not live together beforehand) and his mother is a very traditional housewife who does it all etc. I already know I won't be up to her standards. Having them here in our little European apartment for a whole week really frightens me. I'm just going to feel exposed the whole time, and not able to be my full self and like I have to put on a face or a show as to speak. My partner went away for work for 3 days and I was alone in the apartment. I did nothing but sleep, watch tv, and slightly eat. Some drinking happened there also (not a reoccurring thing) but I just did not have the energy to leave the apartment. My anxiety has ruled the roost, so to speak. I went to the shops so that my partner would have milk for his breakfast the next day, and I had an anxiety attack. Luckily the supermarket is 50m from the apartment. Going home in May is what I needed, I sit here and think about 'when can I go home next?' I love my partner more than anything, and I made this move across the other side of the globe to start our future together, but I just ache at missing my family and friends back home. I had work there, volunteering etc. Here, I don't have anything except for him. My anxiety makes me too scared to even think about volunteering or attempting anything social without my partner being there. I just panic at the thought. Then, I worry about my partner, how this must be on him, he barely notices it most of the time, but when he does, I constantly have the thoughts and worries in my mind, will he leave me? Even though the other day he literally said to me, I'm never going to leave you, I love you.

I guess I just have so much going on in my head, more than I can put in one text box, just no avenues to voice it.

[Guest_2496]

Hi Lily

You don't get notifications on bb forums - no worries whether you reply or check in or not, of course if you feel it helps then more than happy to hear from you!

I might be repeating myself with suggestions - but does your partner have any workmates with girlfriends/wives that could be a starting point for some contacts for you? Anything the aussie embassy/consulate can suggest by way of expat groups? What sort of field are you trained in - only if you want to say of course...just to get an idea of something that you could be doing. I know you mentioned everything is making you anxious, including walking to the supermarket but I was going to suggest that. Especially when your in-laws are there just remove yourself from the situation occasionally to give yourself a chance to breathe. A short walk. Hey if you try a short walk most days before you know it you'll be walking further and maybe enjoying the area, take some photos to send home. Perhaps you could start a blog if you're staying indoors? And one last suggestion for when your mother-in-law is there - ask her for help with cooking etc since you mentioned you think you'll feel judged. Don't give her the chance - ask her for suggestions 🙂

best wishes