Feeling bad more often and don’t trust my instincts

[PolyVacuum]

I’ve recently broken up with my girlfriend and trying to meet people on dating apps. I noticed that after I matched with someone, if I really liked their profile, I would start feeling anxious and worried that I would say the wrong thing and get rejected.

A friend of mine suggested that I should try and seek the fear of rejection feeling as shying away from feeling bad means that I will tend to avoid things that make me feel bad even if they are good for me. I’m trying to apply this approach to other areas of my life when something bad happens to not shy away from feeling bad and sitting in the feeling. I feel like I might have a lot of instinctual defensive mechanisms that stop me from feeling bad (e.g. rationalising things or telling myself I don’t feel bad) and as a result have less faith in my instinctual responses. I’m feeling bad more often and feel more lost when I’m feeling bad.

I don’t really know if I have a question but thought it might be helpful to post here and see if anyone had anything they wanted to share. Thanks in advance.

[Positive_vibes89]

Hi PolyVacuum, thanks for posting on the forum and welcome!! I understand how you are feeling about getting back into the world of dating. It feels really nerve wracking to try and start again. Meeting new people is bound to make you feel anxious with all those first date jitters. Dating is about getting to know somone and its also a really good learning process to with each date you go on, you learn about what to say or ask. In my experience from all my dating I took something away from each one, I learned how to communicate and be open to new experiences. Rejection is a normal process of dating and we can also look at this in a positive way as well. They may not value you for the person you are and therfore they are not worthy of you. You dont need to feel bad about who you are either, just be yourself and be honest. Ive had so many dates where I had been catfished or lied to.

In summary take a chance and have a good time with this girl. You may regret not going on a date with her. As they say you only life once, you have nothing to loose and more to gain. Just sit back and enjoy the dating experience.

[jaz28]

Hi there,

I can see that you might be feeling a bit nervous about getting back into dating and that is valid. Most people feel scared of rejection after breaking up with a previous partner. I would trust this as normal and gradually enter the dating scene. Do not rush things.

All the best,

Jaz.

[The_Bro]

Gidday PolyVacuum and welcome to the forum!

Wow you sound just like me when I got divorced and started to date again. It can be terrifying!

But you know what? There is every chance the person you are dating will also feel the same way. Doubts like 'Will he like me, is my make up OK, is my dress too short, what will I say?' and on it goes.

The turning point for me was when I saw a very ordinary looking guy being interviewed on TV about how he managed to go out with such stunning girls.

He had three secrets:

1. Be yourself in every way. Chatting is NOT a competition or chance to score points. Inside you is a person that some girl will think is wonderful so don't hide it and pretend to be someone else!

2. If you are nervous, or excited, say so and why! The girl will think thats cute as it shows you are vulnerable, and it opens the door for her to say how she is really feeling as well. Again, its not a competition!

3. Ask questions about herself. I think this is hugely important. Ask about family, friends, work, hobbies, interests and so on. The key is to LISTEN intently, respond often, show interest, and don't butt in - wait for her to finish. Don't make my mistake of waiting for an opportunity to talk about yourself, or what you did that is better than what she did.

That's it - pretty simple really! But it did take me a couple of goes to get it right, by that time is was fantastic and girls were telling me I was the only guy for ages to take an interest in them.

The other positive outcome of this 'method' is that the positive feedback you will receive will help greatly with your other fear about feeling bad. Here is this nice girl giving you compliments - how can you feel bad about that?

So I hope this has helped a little PolyVacuum, think about it, try it and see what happens!

I am very happy to discuss further if you feel that might help.

Good luck! The Bro