Explaining self-care without feeling shame

[Madammortus]

So recently I finished my first year of postgraduate study. It was really hectic (final assessment included a video essay and an hour long presentation, along with a normal essay). And since I know I'm going to have a work placement very soon, I've been trying to lower my work load so I actually get some rest.

Now I've still made sure I've sent important emails and kept a bit of stuff going, but I've also been spending a lot of time reading and going on minecraft adventures.

Because of being a broke student I moved in back with my parents. As I'm trying to tuneout mum keeps coming round and asking "shouldn't you being doing work?" I've tried explaining to her multiple times that I've still sending emails and making lists but I'm trying to have a bit of a break. Apparently because "I didn't do anything all weekend" that isn't good enough.

I keep trying to explain it to her but I feel caught. I know that if I don't stop for a bit I'll end up collapsing horrible later but apparently everyone else is able to keep going and going so maybe it's just me not being good enough. And everytime mum brings it up I just want to pull back and disengage completely.

I really don't know how to explain it all to her. All the google options just kept bringing up cliches instead of helpful advice. I just don't know what to do.

[Here_I_am]

Hi Madammortus,

Just a quick check in as I myself have to start the day by getting ready for work.

There is a massive difference in how one person might perceive productivity compared to another. 'White Collar' workers might base their assessment of how productive a person might be based on how many screens are on and how many phone calls/emails took place, whereas a 'Blue Collar' worker might base their assessment on how many tools got used and the quality/progress of the deck being built in your spare time (huge generalisations here I know!). But the point is their may just be a huge gap between what your mum views as 'productive' versus what you know to be productive.

As a student, a big part of growing is internal - processing information and letting it settle. That is usually done whilst sitting and staring at a screen or pages in a book! Work these days can be electronic/remote; again to the untrained eye it looks unproductive.

Are you able to sit with mum and explain that when you're 'just sitting there', you're actually doing a lot of work - it just looks different to the kind of work she might see value in?

I tell my wife and children all the time that being still and doing nothing are two very different things.

Hope you find a way to honor your own down time and to have it respected.

Talk soon.

[quirkywords]

madammortus,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for your first post.

Here I am has given you support and helpful suggestions.

Your mum just wants the best for and equates doing things with being productive.

Maybe you could explain to your mum how tired you are and how you need some time to rest before your work placement. Could you explain that if you don’t have some time you may become unwell later.

I think you have explained it well here as you have been honest. Maybe you can tell your mum that you know she wants the best for you and that is what you are doing taking care of yourself. The finals exhausted you and you need time to rest. you are still thinking of the future and working on things .

Reassure her how you appreciate that you can stay at home and she cares about you. just some ideas. I know as a mum I do worry about my children and this may be seen at times as not understanding.

Congratulations by the way fir finishing your first year of postgraduate studies and I understand how hectic the finals are. You put so much effort in and now you feel exhausted.

I am sure most people after studying like you have would feel the same. There is so much pressure on students and I am pleased you recognise how important self care is now rather than later.

If you would like you can let us know what you think and we can continue the discussion.

quirky

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Madammortus,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your post. I can see that you've already been offered some great support.

Congratulations on finishing your postgrad! What a huge amount of work - can completely see that you'd be wanting some time to yourself before starting your work placement. What was your postgrad on?

I want to be bold and go out on a limb here, but are you asking about self-care for yourself or for your mum? I noticed in your post that you wrote 'maybe it's me not being good enough'. It makes me wonder that perhaps it's not about justifying it all to your mum, but maybe there's a part of it that wants to justify it a little bit to yourself too.

RT

[Madammortus]

Thanks everyone for your helpful comments. I had a really touch and go moment this morning and reading your advice really helped. ❤️

I think there's quite a few elements that are making things tricky and I've been thinking through today how to separate them.

Firstly I tend to struggle a bit with housework in a way thats really annoying and difficult to explain/figure out. I don't feel it's far to lump that into "don't do that for self care sake" but also mum gets annoyed that it doesn't occur to me that the washing up needs doing and apparently I'm doing nothing. So that's sort of on me but also she wants me to suddenly have cleaning awareness?(I'm not sure how to term it) which I don't have.

Secondly my sister is dealing with issues in another state and when I went to chat to her this morning she suddenly snapped because she'd just spent the morning listening to my sister panicking and she didn't want to deal with me. I can understand this but it makes me feel like I'm in an unresolvable loop. Then also my paranoid anxiety bit kicks in a says "see, trying to fix things doesn't matter"

I feel like this is a lot to place here but that's where I'm at right now and trying to figure out. I know mum isn't really being mean or callous but I haven't figured out how to convince my brain of that 😕

[therising]

Hi Madammortus

It can definitely be tricky trying to work our self out, let alone managing others along the way.

Personally, I'm a highly active energetic sort of gal. Once in a while (not too often) I will absolutely power down and spend almost an entire weekend sleeping. At first, I used to beat myself up a little for 'doing nothing' until I realised this actually worked well for me. Sleep restoration of this magnitude is what absolutely powers me up for a whole new round of life. So, now I just go with the flow if I'm able.

Having a balance of physical, mental and natural activity (aka activity that serves our natural self) is important. Combining all 3 can be a time saver. For example:

• Taking the occasional break from the work you're doing and going for a walk perhaps, gives you the physical aspect. Whilst walking, to contemplate the plan ahead gives you the mental aspect. By the way, I personally like to see 'contemplate' as 'to form a template or plan for life'. Your natural self during this exercise can be working with a little solar power, kinetic energy and if you stay well hydrated you also become hydro powered.

Sounds like your mum might be feeling a little drained by your sister's problems. Power her up with a few compliments, perhaps beginning with 'Gee, you're looking great today!' This will also maybe change her view of you. Maybe she currently perceives you as another person who's draining her. Prove her wrong.

Personally, one of the reasons I don't have a dishwasher is because I love that time of just washing the dishes as I look out the kitchen window. I love this time because I don't have to think or do anything highly active. It's therapeutic relaxation (aka daydream mode). Some of my best ideas in life have developed whilst in this mode. When I'm not thinking, things just come to me from out of nowhere. I believe we need to occasionally dive into our natural self, where imagination and intuition live (it worked well for us when we were young). First, we have to 'tune out' from the world. After all the dishes are cleaned, I have a payoff in more ways than one when it comes to such an activity.

If you're feeling somewhat run down and under pressure, contemplate a few new ways of powering up. You might end up raising your mum's energy too, in the process. You might even consider using minecraft when you want to relax and power down.

Take care

[Here_I_am]

Hi Madammortus,

Therising has really provided some fantastic insights here on perspective! I too want to add that in my experience, I have learned that my wife and I have a different perspective on what a room should look like as a 'standard' room. I personally don't have too much of an issue with a book being left on the coffee table or couch; it says "I'm coming back and will read it again". Even if the person doesn't come back, it's not a big thing to move the book when/if it's in the way at a later stage. My wife however would walk into this room and consider the book out of place, and would put it away prior to sitting down and chilling out. Similarly, three glasses on the sink to me is no cause for alarm, however my wife would view this as cause to open and stack the dishwasher.

So, even though I don't see any issue with a lived in home, I now do a bit of a perspective check before I kick the shoes off and sit down. Is there anything that someone else might perceive as a crisis in this room? Would someone else view anything as requiring action? Simple things like making sure all the clothes went into the washing machine, and there's not one rogue sock in front of it looking like it's trying to make a run for it, or shoving the t-shirt that's half in/half out all the way in go a long way; if their is enough for a load, turn the thing on. Wipe the benches/table down and straighten up a little, even though not much has happened since the last time this got done. Put the CD's and records back on the shelf, even though you plan on listening to them again very shortly.

... all these kind of awarenesses help to improve the dynamics. Perhaps just having a small list of things to keep an eye on and doing the list when you see things out of alignment is a starting point? You say you don't see these things, so creating a new perspective where you look for them on purpose may be a healthy option?

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Madammortus,

It's great to hear back from you. Totally loving all the different perspectives here and glad you're getting so much value out of them!

I think that housework can be very much a part of self-care, as you're taking care of your 'future-self'. I don't really like doing laundry for example, but my future-self is very happy to have clean clothes!

Cleaning awareness though (or knowing when you need to clean) isn't something that happens naturally to everyone, and that's okay. It's alright if it's different between you and your mum. Unlike Here I am, if I want to sit on the couch, I'll sit, and that's alright. (and lol at the sock making a run for it!!) What needs to happen for there to be a bit of balance so it doesn't clash? Do you maybe need to set reminders to tidy up?

and as for your sister, I agree with therising about how your mum might be drained with your sisters problems. Your mum is probably trying to fix things too. I wonder if from your mums perspective she might be frustrated for not being able to fix it or make things better, and well - cleaning is one thing she's completely in control over. I wonder if trying to reframe it this way can make it feel less personal and less like your mum is being mean.

I hope this helps

RT